Q: So my sex drive is pretty much not great. I am just tired at the end of the day & nothing sounds better than sleep when I crawl into bed. But my husband wants more than sleep, he wants action. When I'm not in the mood, often he gets really irritated & thinks I'm not attracted to him & this attitude lasts until we "do it" (usually a couple days).
I know that as soon as we get intimate, he'll shake it off & be cool with me again. But it is hard to want to get intimate with him when he's mad at me, ya know? It's a horrible cycle. But one we always fall into. It makes me want to just say "fine, lets do it" even when I have no desire, but I HATE doing it when I don't really want to & he doesn't want that either. So do you have any tips that will help me have more of a desire to do the deed? Please help me here. When he's "satisfied" (that sounds sleazy) he's a better husband and dad. But, I just don't feel like satisfying him as often as he'd like. What to do, what to do?
Am I the only person who doesn't want sex multiple times per week? I hope I'm not alone, but it sure feels like I am.
A: First of all, thank you so much for this question. I really think that a lot of women struggle with this, especially women with young children at home. Here are my thoughts in bullet points:
- By some cruel trick, men and women are created differently. Not only in our need for sex, but in what sex means to us. Women want to feel close and emotionally connected BEFORE getting down. Men, on the other hand, feel close and emotionally connected AFTER doing the deed. Therefore, the less sex you have, the less close your husband will feel to you. That's just the way it is. You mentioned that he is a better husband and father when he is satisfied, and that is because he's feeling emotionally connected to you, which makes him more inclined to help out. So, the way you feel when your hubby does the dishes for you, is similar to how he feels when you make love to him. Maybe that will help you want to do the deed more often if you look at it that way.
- There is a physical component to it, in that men have a build up of semen that continues to build until they can release it. It actually becomes physically uncomfortable if he can't release that on a regular basis. So more than him just being needy and selfish and wanting sex, he actually has a physical need...and if you're in a committed, religious relationship, then you're the only one who can fill that need.
- Can I ask you a personal question? Are you able to have an orgasm? How often? If you are not physically satisfied during sex, that will definitely make you not want to do it as often.
- Wow I have so much to say about this! I have to pick and choose so this doesn't get waaaay too long...
- Is there another time of day (besides super late when you're completely exhausted) that you could have a little mmm mmmm with your hubby? I am a huge fan of scheduling sex. That's right. SCHEDULE it. Sounds really unromantic, but it can actually be really fun. Say Wednesday night at 8:00 (older kids are at mutual, younger kids are in bed). All day you know it's Sex Day...maybe you shave your legs in the shower. Maybe hubby sends you a sweet note or brings home dinner or something. You end up anticipating it during the day, and it could be really fun. That might not work for everyone, but it's worth a shot.
- Have you ever talked to your husband about what his ideal number of times per week is? What is yours? If you sit down and talk about it, maybe you can come up with a compromise schedule, so that he doesn't feel like he has to beg to get his needs met, and you don't feel like he'll be pestering you every night, ya know? Just a thought.
Leave your thoughts to this anonymous reader about her predicament. And reader, was any of what I wrote helpful to you?
