Stupid college girl

Let me tell you a story.

One time when I was a sweet little college student at BYU, I was walking to my car after a big group hang out.  It was late (probably close to midnight) and I was walking to my car by myself.

#1. I was not smart.
#2. I lived in a bubble world in a bubble college, which reinforced my view that life was safe and happy and everyone was basically kind at their core.
#3. I had not a single thought about how maybe I shouldn't be walking to my car late at night by myself.
#4. Nothing really bad happened to me because I was walking to my car by myself, I just look back on this story and realize how utterly and completely naive I was.  About everything.

So, I'm on my phone walking to my car, minding my own business and feeling pretty happy about life.  A car passes going the same direction as me, and as soon as they pass their brake lights turn on and they begin a slow turn and head back toward me.  AGAIN, I FELT NO FEAR.  No thought crossed my mind like "this person is going to abduct me" or "something bad might happen."  Nope.  My only thought was, "hey!  It must be a friend!  They are turning around to say hi."

Seriously!!  WHO WAS I??!!  If that happened to me today I would be speed dialing 911 as soon as I saw the brake lights.  I might have swung to the other extreme in my old age.

Anyway, this car turned around so they are now heading towards me on the opposite side of the road. I see the back window roll down.  I see a person lean the top half of their body out the window.  I raise my hand to wave (because obviously these are friendly strangers).  The car speeds up and swerves towards me.

WHACK!

I got nailed.  Hard.  With a flying object of some kind.  In the nether regions.

IN THE NETHER REGIONS I SAY!!

Whaa?  How?  Who? What just happened???

The car sped off (presumably full of laughter).  I was in shock.  I looked down, and on the sidewalk was a Hostess cream pie, chocolate to be exact, smooshed into a million gooey pieces, the remnants on my pants and dripping down my leg.

I got Hostess cream pied.  At about 35 miles per hour.

And I laughed.  I wasn't upset.  These guys were dill holes, yes.  But hey, it could have been a lot worse.  At least it didn't hit me in the face!

Don't you worry though, I had a huge bruise on my lady parts for a week.

Did that stop me from being a stupid idiotic young adult and walking to my car alone?  Nope.  Sure didn't.

But I will never look at a Hostess cream pie the same.

Worm de la book

I wish I had more time to read.  I love to read.  I devour books when given the chance.  But I don't give myself the chance very often because once I start a book I am done for until I finish it.  Everything else in my life gets put on hold.  I basically have no self control.  Minus the basically.

I've been doing a lot of reading about all the current controversy with the LDS church (what's new, right?  There's always controversy).  I have started to read Rough Stone Rolling, which is supposedly one of the most comprehensive biographies about Joseph Smith, who is the founder of Mormonism.  I can feel myself getting sucked in.  I have already read two chapters today AND I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THAT.  This book is a billion pages long and if I can't put it down this will be a problem.  If you don't hear from me on this blog for a while, will someone please check in on my husband and children to make sure they have plenty of peanut butter and jelly?  I will be in my room drowning out the world around me while I sip iced Dr. Pepper and shove my face with bon bons.

Side note: what exactly is a bon bon?  Do people really eat them?  Are the people who eat them rich and fancy?  Because that's how I've always pictured them for some reason.  People who eat bon bons definitely don't have dirty screaming children swarming around them. *sigh*

So back to reading.  I like it.  My lifestyle does not agree with it.  And me and my lifestyle are in a fight about that.  But I remind myself that there will come a day that my kids are all grown, and no one needs me to make them a sandwich, or read them a story, or help them with homework, and I will have plenty of time to read.

And my heart will long for that dirty swarm of children.

And I will still be pondering about what a ridiculously weird word swarm happens to be.

Reflecting

I'm sitting here writing in my warm, cozy bed.
Sweet husband is sleeping next to me, breathing softly.
Sweet kids are sleeping in their beds down the hall, worn out by yesterday filled with food and fun.
Christmas tree is lit in the living room.  I hear the heater kick on and I wiggle down a little further into my comforter.

I am so incredibly at peace.  Happy.  Content.  Exactly where I want to be.  I'm not talking about my bed (although I would honestly never leave my bed if I didn't have to.  It's my favorite place on the planet.  Next to McDonald's).  I mean in life I am where I want to be.  Finally.

I have been in some dark places.  Not just once or twice.  I have felt so many times like I was drowning.  Like I was submerged in darkness and barely coming up long enough to get a short breath before I was thrust back into the depths.  I have felt so hopeless, so alone, so full of pain and heartache that I felt as though I couldn't breath, unsure of how I would get through the next day, the next hour, the next minute.  I have felt the numbness that comes with intense pain.  The disconnect from family or friends or life in general.

I have been there.  And I have survived.

And I am starting to come back to life.  Tiny green buds are emerging, ready to bloom.  New.  Beautiful.  Full of hope and happiness.

And I can finally,  finally breathe.

Groceries Smosheries

Am I the only one in the world who hates grocery shopping?  I seriously hate it.  HATE HATE HATE.  Even looking at the picture I posted gives me anxiety.    I mean, does anyone's cart really look like that?? Where are the Doritos??!

Grocery shopping stresses me out.  Big time.  I feel like I have to have all my meals planned and know all the ingredients I need, and that is overwhelming to me.  So I put it off and put it off until my children are eating shoelaces and ketchup for dinner.

At that point I run to the store just for the basics, and end up coming home with chocolate peanut butter, hot pink sugar cookies, and a random cut of meat that I know nothing about, but it was on sale, so why not. I manage to spend a billion dollars at the store and somehow WE STILL HAVE NOTHING TO EAT.  How does that happen?? It's like I'm living some sick joke over and over again while slowly starving to death.

So I experiment with the on sale mystery meat for dinner and my kids end up complaining and making gagging noises and asking if they can please have shoelaces instead.  It's a vicious cycle.

If I ever become a katrillionaire (it's a real word) I will have an in-house cook who does all the meal planning and grocery shopping.  And dishes.  Obvi.

Until then, I will be over here writing on this blog to avoid going to the grocery store.  Good thing we have a lot of shoelaces.

Laptops and Life Lessons

Let me tell you a story:
I had an old Macbook.

Like OLD.

Like I got it in 2009. And it was already refurbished.

It was older than my grandpa's dance moves. You getting the picture?

Anyway, it stopped holding a charge. I bought a new battery and it still wouldn't hold a charge. So for a long time (like a year at least) I just had to have it plugged in all the time. And if one of my kids tripped on the cord and pulled it out then my laptop would shut down. Not cool.

Then one day it wouldn't turn on even when it was plugged in. I was so bummed! I could buy another battery, but I had already done that and it hadn't been successful. So we decided it was time to get me a new laptop.

My new MacBook arrived. I was stoked. Fully charged, not plugged in, I happily used it everywhere I couldn't use my old laptop (i.e.: the bathtub).

Finally the battery ran out on my beautiful new MacBook. It was my bedtime, so I quickly plugged the laptop in and slipped into dreamland. The next morning I opened my new beauty to find it completely NOT CHARGED. What? Hadn't I plugged it in all the way? I wiggled the cord around, and nothing.

That's when it hit me.

My old computer hadn't been broken.

My charger had been broken!!!!!!!

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

I died.

Could not stop laughing. We had purchased a new laptop when really all we needed was a new charger!! Because of what I knew about my laptop (that it was old and crummy) I hadn't looked at all the possibilities and had missed what was really going on. As a result, I spent way more money than I needed to. Oops.

It got me thinking, how many times in life do we do this? How often are we so focused on what we think is going on, or on our own limited viewpoint, that we fail to see what is really happening? We make assumptions all the time based on what we think we know. We do it with our spouses, we do it with our kids, we do it with our neighbors, friends, and siblings. And it limits us. It limits our ability to fully connect with people, and to see the big picture.

Moral of the story: Don't make assumptions! Especially in relationships. Or when it comes to MacBooks. Because sometimes, no matter how sure you are, it's not the laptop that's the problem.

Hello Tuesday

I am setting a goal to start blogging more regularly.  I know, I know, you've heard it before.  I am going to start up my weekly Q&A sessions.  So here is the low down:

• Send in any and all questions.  Could be about relationships, parenting, religion, anything that tickles your fancy really.
• Every Thursday I will pick one question to post and answer, and all the readers can pipe in and give their thoughts and advice as well.
• Note: this is not me doing therapy over the internet, this is not taking the place of seeking professional help if it is warranted.  If you are in crisis and having an emergency please dial 911 or contact your local authorities.

So that's that.  Maybe there's not as much demand for this now, but we will see!

In other news, it's October!  I love this month!  The weather getting chillier, the yummy smells, the pumpkin and apple and cinnamon, the excitement of the approaching holidays, I just love everything about this season.  

Except finding costumes for my kids.  Last year I decided I was going to make their costumes because I didn't want to spend the money buying them.  It should be noted that I use the word "make" oh so loosely.  I do not consider myself a crafty person at all, so "making" a Halloween costume was quite the stretch for me.  Turns out that making the costumes was a brilliant decision - not only did I spend hours and hours "making" their (not cute) costumes, I probably ended up spending more money than I would have had I just bought the costumes in the first place.  Here's a really poor quality picture as proof:

The girls were happy, so that's all that really matters.  But I will not be pretending to make any costumes again anytime in the near future.

So this year, Walmart came to the rescue.  Yes, our costumes have already been purchased.  I accidentally bought them early, which absolutely goes against my do-everything-at-the-last-minute rule.  What is happening to me?  Buying Halloween costumes a month early?  I need to reevaluate my life.  Next thing you know I'll be planning meals and getting enough sleep.

Laughs in Your Face

Sometimes when you think you're finally past the hardest of it, life laughs in your face.

You guys.  LIFE LAUGHS IN YOUR FACE.

Life's all like, "hahahaha!  You thought I was done with you?  When are you going to learn?  I'm taking away your Dr. Pepper next."

And we're all like, "Whoa, whoa, Life.  Chill out.  Just give me a minute to breathe."

And Life's all like, "You're an idiot."

And then we cry. And then we read posts like this and laugh.  And maybe cry some more.

Sometimes life is kind of heavy. 

And that's ok.  We are building emotional muscles.  I'm pretty much an emotional bodybuilder at this point. 

But sometimes I wish I wasn't.

Heeeeyyyyyy

Hey long lost internet friends!! It's been a while for me! I've tried to login to my blog(s) a few different times recently and have been locked out. Don't you worry, I figured out the mystery and now I'm back in business.

In other news, my mom has spent many weeks in and out of the hospital recently (that's her in that picture up there). She's not doing so well.

In other other news, I'm totally done with my Christmas shopping and having a love affair with McDonald's cheeseburgers.

Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Sparkle

Went to Mcdonald's last night with the kiddos.

Bug was playing with a girl she met at the play place, and when she came down for a water break I asked her what her new friend's name was.
Bug: Her name is Sparkle.
Me: Umm...her name is Sparkle? (who named her, my four year old?)
Bug: Yeah. Sparkle. Or diamond or something.

Then she ran off to play. Ok, have fun with Sparkle or Diamond or whoever.
Few minutes later, Bug came back to clarify. Turns out friend's name is CRYSTAL. hahahahaha. Oh the mind of a four year old works in magical ways.

Tune in tomorrow for a sexy Q&A that a reader sent in to me. I actually think this is a subject that many of you will relate to, and those of you who don't will have some feelings about it.

See you tomorrow!

Creation

Here's to creating some happiness today...
(From Post Secret)

Chickened Out

Insanity is normal.

Don't I know that all too well.

Have a great day!

Ode to Dr. Pepper

Top 10 Reasons I Want to be Mrs. Dr. Pepper:
10. My mom would love it if I married a doctor
9. He cheers me up on hard days
8. He never talks back to me
7. I've always had a thing for the brown ones
6. He makes a lot of money
5. Everyone knows him
4. Red looks good on me
3. He adds flavor to my life
2. He always hits the spot
1. I'm fairly certain that no one in the world loves him more than I do.

My favorite way to drink the heavenly nectar:
Ice cold can, poured into a cup of ice, with a straw. I swear this is the best way to drink Dr. Pepper. Honestly I think it tastes different from a bottle or a fountain. The stuff from the fountain just isn't as...potent...or something. Wish I was kidding right now. Totally not.

Go enjoy a Dr. Pepper in my honor everyone. Savor it, my friends. Savor it.

Here Goes...

So I got some interesting feedback from my Friday post.

First I'd like to say thanks to all those who disagreed with me, or who offered a different perspective. I always appreciate when people can do that (respectfully), because it gives me an opportunity to look at myself and my beliefs and evaluate them from another point of view.

Second, I want to say thank you to everyone who supported me and stood up for me. It is very much appreciated.

It's interesting for me to see the responses I get to certain posts I write. I have a certain point or meaning in mind when I write them, and people interpret them so differently. It speaks to how much our own life circumstance and current mood can play into how we see and hear and read things.

As for the post on Friday, I really do believe that humans are carnal, and selfish, and lustful by nature.

AND...

I believe that we come to this life to refine those qualities, and to change our natures to become more selfless, and humble, and Christlike.

AND...

I believe that most people don't make too much progress on that path. haha.

Maybe the majority of people in your little circle are good people, trying to do the right thing. Or maybe the majority of people in your church, or at your school, or at your work.

But it doesn't take much looking outside of your circle to see the evil that is in the world. And I'm not saying this to be world-bashing depressing. I'm just saying that you merely have to peel away a layer of your own experience to see how much sadness is in the world. And when you can do that, and STILL choose to be happy, that is (I believe) true happiness. And that was the point of my Friday post. That the 20 year old girl in the picture thought she was happy, but she had never known true pain, she had not experienced some of the harshness of the world, so her happiness was real to her, but it was very one dimensional compared to what it would be after having lived some life. Real, hard, ugly life.

Being happy when you live in a bubble isn't that hard. Being happy when you've seen some real life crud, or when you've been diagnosed with a terminal illness, or when you've lost a child or a spouse, or when you've been betrayed by someone you love...that is the kind of happiness that is real and lasting. Because it doesn't come from outside of you.

I loved the comment about Christ suffering for the sins of the world, and that He suffered so greatly because of the many evils that would take place in the world. That tells me two things:

1. That there would be serious, intense, dark and ugly things going on in the world,

AND

2. That there were people in the world who would try to do good things and make good choices, and so it was worth suffering unthinkable agony in order to facilitate the growth and opportunity of those people.

So, I stand by everything I wrote in the last post. And yes, I admit to being a bit jaded. And yes, I believe that people can change (hence my choice of profession... being a therapist would be pretty pointless if I thought all people in the world were worthless pieces of crap with no capacity for good). And yes, I believe that there are people in the world who are good and helpful and positive and selfless (I have been blessed by many of them in my life). And yes, I also believe that there are people in the world who are selfish and hurtful and deceitful and manipulative. And I have seen them first hand in my personal and professional life.

And I am still choosing to be happy. And I still have bad days, and I'm secure enough in my happiness that I can acknowledge my bad days, and I can sit in my angry thoughts when they come.

Happy Monday :)

Conflict

*photo from flickr

In my group therapy class back in college my teacher said something once that I thought was very profound. He was talking to us about a theory behind certain group therapies, that the group just moves from conflict to conflict. There will be periods of non-conflict, but inevitably another one always arises. And he said that we can look at life this way. As moving from one conflict to another.

And I got to thinking about it, and I think it's true. Life goes from one conflict to another. And there may be time between, but inevitably another conflict is bound to come up. I think this is absolutely true in life. I think this is true in marriage. I think this is true of friendships. And contrary to what it may seem on the surface, I think this is a very positive way of looking at the world. If we expect that there will be conflict, we can begin to see conflict in a less negative way. Conflict isn't always bad. It doesn't have to be huge and emotional. It sometimes is, but if we can get through it together (like in a marital conflict), we end up feeling closer and more connected at the end. We compromise, and shape ourselves, and work on humility.

It's when we begin to avoid conflict that things get messy. We stuff our emotions. We don't say what we really think because we don't want to get in a fight. And we eventually end up unhappy and frustrated and bugged at those closest to us. All because we want to avoid conflict. Because we have it ingrained in us that conflict is bad.

WRONG.

Contention is bad. Conflict is unavoidable.

Take a look at yourself. What do you do when you are faced with conflict? Are you an avoider? Do you shut down? Are you a blamer? Do you go into attack mode?

Return of Q&A

At least for now. :)

I started getting a lot of really good questions, and then I promptly defaulted on the Q&A the last couple of weeks. Sorry.

I think that's my little way of revolting. I am a rule follower. Like to the point of detriment. Example: If the brownie box says to bake for 18-22 minutes, I put them in for exactly 20 so I can make sure I'm right in the middle. And if there are 20 seconds left on the timer, I will sit there and wait for the 20 seconds to be up and the timer to go off before I open the oven to check them.

Ridiculous. I know this.

Anyway, why am I talking about rules? Oh, because of my self imposed "Q&A Every Thursday" rule. The rule that I've been breaking.

I feel like such a rebel.

Anyway, at least for today, I'm back with the Q&A.

And with rhyming, apparently.

So, my closely related single friend sent this question to me. And I thought it was a good one. Except not a good one for me to answer. Because my name is Cynical Cindy these days. So I'm mostly putting this one out there for all of you. Here goes:

It seems like a lot of my friends are in this boat right now, and it might be interesting.

With all of the heartache and sadness that I seem to hear from all of my married friends, it makes me wonder if anyone is really as happily married as they thought they would be when they were dating/engaged. It also has me completely on my toes with dating – every little issue that comes up is automatically a red flag, and I find myself saying that it’s probably just the tip of the iceberg and will get way worse once we get married.

So I’ve been wondering a lot lately which is the right answer – do I hold out for someone and a relationship that is all happy-go-lucky and never has any issues, because there will surely be issues later? Or is that naïve? Maybe it’s best for me to suck it up, and realize no relationship is perfect, and our issues are normal? I feel like everyone that I say that to looks at me like I’m crazy though. I get the big DON’T DO IT talk from my family/friends because they see my relationship has problems.

I want to say that we are just much more aware of our problems than most dating couples, but will I kick myself years later for justifying those things? I’m not sure.

A: Like I said, I'm not sure I'm really the best person to answer this question. However, I can say that for me, I was happy in my marriage. At least at first. And those of you who know the full story know the details of that. But I have thought this myself lately. Are there really any truly HAPPY MARRIAGES? Are people really, genuinely happy 5, 10, 25 years later? I am jaded from my own experiences, and also from being in the therapy world, where I see couple after couple in dysfunction.

Do I believe it's possible to be happily married? Absolutely.

Do I think many achieve that? Eh.... (insert nonchalant shoulder shrug)

As for the red flags thing... PAY ATTENTION TO THOSE. But there is not going to really be any way to know for sure. The only way you can know is through the spirit. You might date someone for 2 weeks and get married and live happily ever after, or you might date someone for 10 years, and the second you get married things change and you're unhappy. There is just no guarantee. Which is why it's so terrifying.

And also why I plan on being an old, single Bag Lady. Alone, safe, and plenty of luggage.

And I would also suggest this (here come some therapy words for you): In looking at red flags, make sure you are looking at the PROCESS of your relationship. Instead of saying "we fight over whether to go out or stay home" say "how do we resolve those conflicts? Do we communicate well? Does he listen to me? Are we quick to admit when we're wrong?"

Because in a marriage, you cannot avoid the fact that you will have disagreements. And what the disagreement is about is pretty much not important. What is important is how you guys handle the disagreement. If you respect each other. If you are both willing to compromise. Pay attention to those kinds of things.

Everyone out there, please put in your 2 cents. I would love to hear from some of you who have happy marriages. GIVE US HOPE!! haha. Cynical Cindy is pretty powerful.

Okay, I've got to go organize my bags.

Bleh

I'm in a bleh kind of mood.

Bleh bleh bleh.

I don't really like these moods.

And bleh I don't want to get dressed.

And bleh I don't want to go grocery shopping.

And bleh I don't want to do laundry.

And bleh.

Sorry this post is a bit of a downer!! haha. HAVE JOY, Nikki. HAVE JOY!!

Bleh bleh bleh.

Remember That One Time I Got Married?

So today would have been my 5 year wedding anniversary.

It is my second May 8th since I've been separated.

It's my first May 8th since I've been officially divorced.

So weird.

And so sad.

I was sitting at lunch yesterday and over the loud speakers a song started playing. It happened to be the song Ex and I danced our first dance to at our wedding.

The Universe apparently has exquisite timing.

And I sat and listened to the song, and pondered the irony of hearing it. And it made me feel a little weird, and sort of agitated and just...bleh. You know that feeling? yeah...

I went back to work, and tried to not bawl through the next few hours. Then I went to class. I was holding it together pretty well. Until my teacher said, "You're kind of quiet today, Nikki." Talk about rude, right? I mean, who WOULDN'T cry at hearing a comment like that? (p.s. insert sarcasm)
So again with the waterworks. What is with me? Apparently having dreams, and hopes, and love, and commitment, and refining, and creating life, and memories, and experiences with someone is pretty hard to get over.

Maybe "get over" isn't the right way to say it.

Maybe "accept your current reality" is a better way to say it.

Maybe "understand that everyone has choices, and that certain decisions have put you in this place" is a better way to say it.

Maybe "life sucks sometimes, and I just want to throw a tantrum about how unfair it is" is the best way to say it.

So I had a little therapy session in class, and I cried, and I felt sorry for myself, and I felt like a failure for a minute, and I felt hopeless and alone for a minute. And then I took a deep breath. And I put my Nikki Is Strong hat back on. And I'm ok.

So today is a little bit weird. And I'm a little bit sad. And I'm a little bit heartbroken.

And I'm a little bit closer to not being heartbroken anymore.

A Big, Fat F

I know my blog has gone from semi-interesting to totally lame lately. I am going to really try to post new things more often. Not only is it more fun for all of you out there in cyberland, but it is cathartic for me.

So, with the goal to actually blog in mind, I proceed with the following story:

I was on my lunch today, enjoying some tomato bisque and some Dr. Laura in my car. I've always had a love/hate relationship with her. I agree with most of her advice, but sometimes not with the delivery so much.

Anyway, she took a call from a mid-twenties female.

The girl said, "I want to know how to get over a divorce. I've been divorced for 1 year now, and I need to know how to get over it."

Naturally, my interest peaks.

Dr. L: Well, what do you need to get over?

Girl: I don't know...I feel like I've failed.

Dr. L: Well, you have.

**silence**

Dr. L: You have failed. You are divorced.

My stomach--knots. My heartbeat--elevated. I'm feeling the perfectionist/type A personality/ control freak part of me start to take over. And that part of me does not like to be called a failure.

But I am.

I am divorced. My marriage failed. Does it matter if it was my fault? Does it matter if it was his fault? Does it matter if it was my old boyfriend doing voodoo to sabatoge my relationship so he could fly in on a magic pony and take me to a land of dreams and sparkles? I really don't think so.

When you're filling out paperwork and have to mark one of the boxes (single, married, divorced), there is not a box that says, "divorced but it was totally not my fault." Mostly because chances are it probably was your fault. At least to some extent.

So I have got to accept the fact that I have failed. No matter what the details of it are. No matter how unfair it seems. No matter how badly I want to rent a billboard or wear a t-shirt around that says, "Divorced...but only because my ex is a loser." haha. (IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE: I do not think Ex is a loser.  I'm just trying to make a point.)

The gospel adds a dimension to this, though. Answers to prayer can be very powerful, and the peace you feel when you're making the right choice is undeniable. So from that perspective, I have not failed. I have followed through with the most difficult choice of my life because of an answer to prayer. And I have had countless experiences since then that confirm that this is the path I need to be on right now.

So no matter what that looks like to anyone else--even Dr. Laura--I can stand tall knowing that, though my marriage has failed, I am not a failure.

And one day I will be in a land of dreams and sparkles.

Magic pony and all.

Rose Colored Glasses

Okay, so I'm a Marriage and Family Therapist.  A lot of my classes back in grad school would turn to discussions about religion, or theology, or how we believe change occurs, or if it's truly possible to change, and forgiveness, and selflessness, and growth. And we would get into a lot of deep discussions about some deep things. And I left class numerous times feeling like my view of the world was being shifted, and like reality as I had known it was changing. Very very interesting. And a little scary. It's scary to come to the realization that the way you've viewed things your entire life isn't necessarily the only way to view things. Or even the right way to view things.

It was like I had been walking around with purple tinted glasses on since I was born. And I've seen everything through these purple lenses. And I assume that everyone else sees the same purple haze that I do. And the purple haze is so embedded in my life that I don't even notice it's there. And then one day, someone says to me, "Hey girl. Do you know you're wearing purple glasses? It's pretty obvious to the rest of us." And I go "WHAT? Purple glasses? Impossible." And then I go home and look in the mirror, and sure enough--purple glasses. So I take them off. And suddenly the world is a very different place. And the way I see people is different, and the sky is a different color, and the way I look at myself changes.

And it's empowering. And enlightening. And frightening. Because then I wonder what other kinds of lenses I've been looking through. And I my foundation gets rocked a little bit, and I've got to rebuild some things. But in the rebuilding comes new perspective, new appreciation.

And new strength.

Is there a reality? Is there right and wrong? Is there a God? Is there life after death? Is there a purpose to this life?

I know my answer to these questions.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Even after my purple glasses have come off, the answer to these questions is a resounding YES for me. A stronger yes than before.  But those are the answers for me.  What are the answers for you?

And you know what? You've got glasses on, too. They might not be purple. They might be green, or yellow, or pessimistic, or no such thing as true love, or women are bad, or I'm not worth it, or life is pointless, or people are generally good, or people are generally bad, or I'm talented, or I'm not talented, or or or or or.

And we're all walking around with these beliefs, and thoughts, and ideas, and they color everything we see. They color everything. People. Religion. Relationships. And they have been with us for so long that most of us don't even notice they're there. And we assume that everyone sees the world in the same colors that we see the world.

So so so so interesting. What color are your lenses? It's worth it to figure it out. Trust me.