Searching

It's Friday.
Bless America.

I saw clients yesterday.  A lot of them.  And it's always a humbling experience to sit in with people in their darkness, to honor their pain.  It is frustrating to watch people sit in their problems like a hot tub and just swim around in them for a while without doing anything to get out of the hot water.  And it is amazing to watch people shift their thinking, rewrite their stories, and turn their heartaches into beautiful strengths.  Seeing clients makes me reevaluate myself and my relationships, and reminds me that though our gender, or race, or religion, or sexuality, or marital status, or income may be different, we all share the same basic human experience.

Every person is seeking meaning and happiness.  The details are different, the big picture is the same. That's what it all boils down to.

How are you coming along on that search?

You are His

I feel the need to say thank you.  Thank you to those readers and friends who have been supportive and kind.  Let me give you some background, and this is going to get really personal.

I love to write.  I used to blog daily (years ago), and I have always been a story teller.  Not the kind of story teller that's a big fat liar (oh, she's a "story teller"), but just someone who can take an ordinary event and make it into a big, long, entertaining story.  Everyone in my family is like this, it's one of our family traits.  I think I'm the worst at it out of everyone in the fam, but that's an entirely different post altogether.

For the past few months I have been feeling more and more like I need to be writing again.  I have felt...compelled, I guess is the best way to say it.  And as I've thought about it, and tried to figure out how much time to put into it, and how to pursue it, I have found myself becoming discouraged.  I have been swimming in self-doubt and insecurity, and it's been confusing to me.  Why in the world would I be feeling so unsure?  It is just a blog!  No one cares if I write, or what I write.  If you feel like writing, Nikki, just write!  But time after time those dark voices would whisper that I wasn't good enough and shouldn't even try.

I had a conversation with my sister, Calee, who really helped me put things in perspective.  She reminded me that one of the most influential tools Satan uses in our life is self-doubt and fear.  And that if I really knew I was a daughter of God, if I really knew He was aware of me, that those dark voices would be quieted, and would not have as much influence on my decisions.

So, I hit my knees.  I asked Heavenly Father to remind me that He knows me.  I asked Him to remind me of my gifts, and to help me discover how He would have me use them.

Later that day, my prayer was answered.

I received a text from an old friend (who I do not talk with regularly) telling me how much she loved reading my blog and how uplifting it was to her. I felt God's love as I read her words.

Moments later, I received an email from another friend who I haven't been in touch with since high school (besides the sporadic liking each other's Facebook posts), telling me that she felt she needed to write and tell me how much she appreciates my posts.  She said that she knows it is difficult to make time to write every day, but that my posts have been helping her get through a difficult time.  Again, I felt like Heavenly Father was reminding me that there are reasons I've felt compelled to be writing.

Just a few minutes after I received that email, I got another email from a woman at church (my Relief Society President).  I am fairly new in our ward, and I don't know many people well.  I have chatted with this woman once or twice, but that is the extent of our interaction.  In her email she wrote that I had been on her mind lately, and that she felt she needed to tell me that I am special, and that Heavenly Father knows and loves me.

As I read through her email, my eyes filled with tears.  I felt overwhelming love from my Father in Heaven, who was gently reminding me over and over that He knows me, and through others, was encouraging me to follow the promptings I've been receiving regarding writing.  I cannot describe the intensity of the feeling.  I know that there is a God.  I know that not only is He all powerful, the Creator of all things, but He is also our loving Father.  He knows us.  Each of us.  He knows what you are struggling with right at this moment.  He knows the desires of your heart.  He knows your heartaches.

I know He knows mine.  And I know He knows yours.

If you are struggling with self-doubt or insecurity, with heartache or loss, with sadness or confusion I challenge you to do what I did.  To pray, and ask God to remind you of His love for you.  Ask Him to strengthen your testimony that you are His child.

Your answer may not come as mine did (there have been many times my answers to prayer have not been so quick or so obvious), but I know it will come.

Since this experience last week, there have been other emails and texts and comments and Facebook posts in continual answer to that prayer.  Thank you to those of you who have followed the promptings you have felt to reach out to me in some way.  You have been His answer.

Tapestry

First, remember to send in any questions for our Thursday Q&A!  Email them to
have joy{at}ymail{dot}com.

And thank you to those of you who commented on last week's post about depression.  I so appreciate your support for the reader who sent in the question!  Thank you!

I have talked before about the comparison trap (read my post here), and I will probably talk about it a million more times in the future.  Mostly because I struggle with it, and I think a lot of women struggle with it.  And I tend to write about things that I need reminders about, and this is one of those things.

We all have different gifts, and we are all expected to use our gifts in ways unique to our strengths and abilities.  Some people have gifts in the form of talents (like singing, or painting, or baking), but some of us have gifts that aren't necessarily recognized as talents, like being a good listener, being a patient mother, being able to recognize a need and fill it through service, or being able to look at life through a positive lens.  It can be easy to compare those quieter gifts to others who may have gifts that speak more loudly.

I want to share an excerpt from a talk given at BYU in1989 by Patricia Holland (Jeffrey R. Holland's wife), entitled Filling the Measure of Your Creation.  She states:

"I once read a wonderful analogy of the limitations our present perspective imposes on us. The message was that in the ongoing process of creation—our creation and the creation of all that surrounds us—our heavenly parents are preparing a lovely tapestry with exquisite colors and patterns and hues. They are doing so lovingly and carefully and masterfully. And each of us is playing a part—our part—in the creation of that magnificent, eternal piece of art.

But in doing so we have to remember that it is very difficult for us to assess our own contributions accurately. We see the rich burgundy of a neighboring thread and think, “That’s the color I want to be.” Then we admire yet another’s soft, restful blue or beige and think, “No, those are better colors than mine.” But in all of this we don’t see our work the way God sees it, nor do we realize that others are wishing they had our color or position or texture in the tapestry—even as we are longing for theirs.

Perhaps most important of all to remember is that through most of the creative period we are confined to the limited view of the underside of the tapestry where things can seem particularly jumbled and muddled and unclear. If nothing really makes very much sense from that point of view, it is because we are still in process and unfinished. But our heavenly parents have the view from the top, and one day we will know what they know—that every part of the artistic whole is equal in importance and balance and beauty. They know our purpose and potential, and they have given us the perfect chance to make the perfect contribution in this divine design."

I love everything about this.  It is very difficult for us to assess our own contributions accurately, she says. Remember, YOU have been given certain gifts and abilities, and YOU are important to your circle of influence, and YOU have a divine role in God's plan.  YOU.  Flaws and all.

Now stop mourning the person you are not, and get out there and be the best YOU you can be!

Tender Moments

I was able to go to Time Out for Women a few weekends ago, and it was wonderful.  I felt uplifted and encouraged and inspired.  I was able to watch my amazing sister Calee Reed perform, and I couldn't help but think about how happy our mom must be to know that Calee is passing on the legacy of music.  Calee is so talented and I bawled the whole time she was on stage.  She is living her dream!!  It is so beautiful to watch and I am so proud of her!

I also saw Mercy River perform, and was especially touched by a song they did called "Walk You Through the Night."  It's a song about motherhood, and about how although as mothers we do not have all the answers, we can walk our children through dark times and love them perfectly.  I thought not only of my own children but also of my mother.  It has been almost four years since she passed away.  Although my mom was not perfect, she was the perfect mother for me.

I spent the next few days thinking about that song, and thinking about how I could overcome my own insecurities and shortcomings as a mother.  I bought the Mercy River album (duh) and was listening to that song when my 2 year old came into the kitchen with me.  She grabbed my legs and we started to dance.  My heart about exploded with love for this tiny human that is a piece of myself.  I bent down and picked her up in a cradle-style hold and began to rock her back and forth to the song.  My eyes welled with tears as I was filled with gratitude for the opportunity to be her mother.  She looked up at me with her big brown eyes and said,

"Mom?"

I looked down at her sweet face as she continued,

"PUT ME DOWN!!!!"

Moment ruined.  

RUINED.

I put her sassy face back down and she ran out of the kitchen to play.  And that about sums up my experience of motherhood.  Tiny, fleeting moments of tenderness interrupted by crazy, frustrating, not tender at all real life.  And I'm so incredibly thankful for every single part of it.

You're Gonna Miss This

I've been trying to live in the moment this week, and this song has been playing through my head every day.  Thought I'd share it with you.

The Days are Long...

 

Enjoy the days, I hear they are gone before we know it...

Focus on the Flower

 

When I was in grad school one of my professors told us about the Lotus flower.  I have reflected on the symbolism of this flower many times, so I'm now sharing it with you.

The Lotus flower is sacred in Buddhism.  It means purity, cosmic harmony, potential, and enlightenment among other things.

But what is symbolic to me about this flower is where it comes from.  Lotus flowers grow in murky, swampy, shallow waters.  The seed emerges from the mud at the bottom of a swamp and blooms on the surface of the water.  There is the obvious symbolism that beautiful things are created from dark circumstances, and that is surely significant.  But there is another lesson in the flower.

Imagine being there.  In a swamp.  Shallow, warm, muddy.  Bugs everywhere.  A less than pleasant smell.  Hot, humid, murky as far as you can see.  And there, a Lotus flower.  Amidst the unpleasant surroundings, a beautiful flower has blossomed.  

What do we choose to focus on in our lives?  Are we so caught up in our murky circumstances that we fail to see the beautiful gift that is born from that very swamp?

Are we able to look past the swamp to appreciate the beauty of the flower? 

Without the swamp, there would be no blossom.

We all have swamps in our lives, and each swamp yields something beautiful that would not otherwise be there.  Find your Lotus blossom.  

Focus on the flower.

Yup

 

Love this.  We must take risks in order to reach our highest potential and highest happiness.

Invincible summer

Absolutely love this quote by Albert Camus:

Have a great Monday.

-Nikki

Romance Is Nice...

Romance is nice. But it is biological in origin. That dizzy head-over-heels feeling is a species of losing your mind, and most of the time it lasts only as long as the chase. What we keep forgetting is that in marriage, as opposed to romances, you aren't marrying the thrilling wonderful perfect Someone you're looking at right now. You're marrying the man who decides not to have the dazzling career with the high salary, refusing promotions and transfers so the kids don't have to change schools. You're marrying the woman whose body doesn't bounce back after the third baby, so she's no longer slim and attractive by the standards of the magazines. You're marrying the migraines and the hemorrhoids and the heart attack and the cancer; you're marrying the irritable, forgetful, lazy, thoughtless, sarcastic, distracted, too-busy days as well as the Kodak-happy ones.

You're marrying the one who works with you to raise the crippled child, or stands with you at the graveside of the child who dies. You're marrying the one who can't find work after the company folds or he's laid off; you're marrying the early Alzheimer's, the diabetes, the obesity, the pain of conflict and the struggle of forgiveness. The foundation of that isn't some ideal of romantic love. It's a commitment based on the goals you share. And real love, married love, is not what you start with--it's what you create together along the way.

--Orson Scott Card

Soul Mates

People think a soul mate is your perfect match, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
--Unknown

Conflict

*photo from flickr

In my group therapy class back in college my teacher said something once that I thought was very profound. He was talking to us about a theory behind certain group therapies, that the group just moves from conflict to conflict. There will be periods of non-conflict, but inevitably another one always arises. And he said that we can look at life this way. As moving from one conflict to another.

And I got to thinking about it, and I think it's true. Life goes from one conflict to another. And there may be time between, but inevitably another conflict is bound to come up. I think this is absolutely true in life. I think this is true in marriage. I think this is true of friendships. And contrary to what it may seem on the surface, I think this is a very positive way of looking at the world. If we expect that there will be conflict, we can begin to see conflict in a less negative way. Conflict isn't always bad. It doesn't have to be huge and emotional. It sometimes is, but if we can get through it together (like in a marital conflict), we end up feeling closer and more connected at the end. We compromise, and shape ourselves, and work on humility.

It's when we begin to avoid conflict that things get messy. We stuff our emotions. We don't say what we really think because we don't want to get in a fight. And we eventually end up unhappy and frustrated and bugged at those closest to us. All because we want to avoid conflict. Because we have it ingrained in us that conflict is bad.

WRONG.

Contention is bad. Conflict is unavoidable.

Take a look at yourself. What do you do when you are faced with conflict? Are you an avoider? Do you shut down? Are you a blamer? Do you go into attack mode?

Good to remember

Love this.
*from Post Secret

Rose Colored Glasses

Okay, so I'm a Marriage and Family Therapist.  A lot of my classes back in grad school would turn to discussions about religion, or theology, or how we believe change occurs, or if it's truly possible to change, and forgiveness, and selflessness, and growth. And we would get into a lot of deep discussions about some deep things. And I left class numerous times feeling like my view of the world was being shifted, and like reality as I had known it was changing. Very very interesting. And a little scary. It's scary to come to the realization that the way you've viewed things your entire life isn't necessarily the only way to view things. Or even the right way to view things.

It was like I had been walking around with purple tinted glasses on since I was born. And I've seen everything through these purple lenses. And I assume that everyone else sees the same purple haze that I do. And the purple haze is so embedded in my life that I don't even notice it's there. And then one day, someone says to me, "Hey girl. Do you know you're wearing purple glasses? It's pretty obvious to the rest of us." And I go "WHAT? Purple glasses? Impossible." And then I go home and look in the mirror, and sure enough--purple glasses. So I take them off. And suddenly the world is a very different place. And the way I see people is different, and the sky is a different color, and the way I look at myself changes.

And it's empowering. And enlightening. And frightening. Because then I wonder what other kinds of lenses I've been looking through. And I my foundation gets rocked a little bit, and I've got to rebuild some things. But in the rebuilding comes new perspective, new appreciation.

And new strength.

Is there a reality? Is there right and wrong? Is there a God? Is there life after death? Is there a purpose to this life?

I know my answer to these questions.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Even after my purple glasses have come off, the answer to these questions is a resounding YES for me. A stronger yes than before.  But those are the answers for me.  What are the answers for you?

And you know what? You've got glasses on, too. They might not be purple. They might be green, or yellow, or pessimistic, or no such thing as true love, or women are bad, or I'm not worth it, or life is pointless, or people are generally good, or people are generally bad, or I'm talented, or I'm not talented, or or or or or.

And we're all walking around with these beliefs, and thoughts, and ideas, and they color everything we see. They color everything. People. Religion. Relationships. And they have been with us for so long that most of us don't even notice they're there. And we assume that everyone sees the world in the same colors that we see the world.

So so so so interesting. What color are your lenses? It's worth it to figure it out. Trust me.

Don't You Quit

One of my favorite poems...

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low, and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns.
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out
Don't give up, though the pace seems slow,
You might succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to the faint and faltering man.
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup.
And he learned too late, when the night slipped down
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt.
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar.
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

Miss the Silver

Too many people miss the silver lining because they're expecting gold.
--Maurice Seitter
I hope you all have a fabulous weekend, and find the silver lining in all your cloudy moments...

Make it a great day!!

As By Fire

1 Nephi Chapter 22, verse 17*:

"The righteous need not fear...they shall be saved, even as by fire."

This is pretty much guaranteeing that if we are righteous, we will face trials--we will go through fire. That in order for us to be saved we must be refined, as by fire, through our trials.

So even (or especially) if we are doing everything right, we can expect a little heat.

Or a lot of heat.

And we can know as we are sweating, and burning, and changing, and crying, and praying, and hurting, and growing, that we are being strengthened. And purified. And tested. And saved.


*This scripture is from the Book of Mormon. To learn more, click HERE.
(Photo from Flickr)

Quote of the Day

A woman is like a tea bag--you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.

--Eleanor Roosevelt

Love it

From the book Happily Ever After, by Kristin Armstrong:

"It is such a sorrowful waste of energy and spirit to grieve the woman you are not. Based on worldly standards, there will always be someone smarter, funnier, younger, thinner, wealthier, or prettier than you.

Reread that, soak it in. And then promptly get over it."


Wow I love this. Love love.

Come What May, and Love It

This morning I busted out the Ensign (a magazine put out by the LDS Church) and was doing some reading before heading to church. I came across an article by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin that really brought comfort to me, so I thought I would share some of it with you.

Here are a few of my favorite quotes from this talk, just randomly listed. (To read the full article, click here.)
"The Lord in His wisdom does not shield anyone from grief or sadness."

"If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness."

"Sometimes the very moments that seem to overcome us with suffering are those that will ultimately suffer us to overcome."

"The simple secret is this: put your trust in the Lord, do your best, then leave the rest to Him."

And my personal favorite from the talk:
"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss...Every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

How amazing is that to think about? That every tear we shed because of sorrow, or lonliness, or fear, or heartache, will be returned a hundredfold with tears of joy? What an amazing promise.


Happy Sunday, everyone.