Q&A: 3 things that damage relationships

Q: What are three things you see that damage relationships?

A: Great question!  I will give you three common problems I see with my clients who come in for marital/family counseling that really get in the way of their happiness.  Here we go.

1. Selfishness -- So common.  So easy to see in others, so hard to see in ourselves.  People who are focused on what they "should" be getting, or are caught up in how they feel, what they think, and what they want tend to be unhappy in relationships.  They are a bottomless pit looking to get filled by others, and that is not the way relationships work.  Choose to hear your partner's (or child's or mother's) opinion, choose to think about what he/she might be needing, and be open to the idea that there is more than one right way to do things.  Your way is not the only way, and your needs and feelings are not the only important needs and feelings in the relationship.  Look outside of yourself.

2. Anger -- this is a bit tricky, because underneath anger is usually a softer emotion, like fear, or insecurity, or pain.  But I want to focus on the anger part.  When you let anger control your responses, you create distance in your relationships.  BE IN CONTROL OF YOUR ACTIONS.  You may not be able to control feeling angry, but you absolutely can control how you respond with that anger.  DO NOT call names, swear, intentionally hurt, use mean sarcasm, or become physical in any way.  This is not productive, and it is damaging to individuals and relationships.

3. Holding on to hurts -- I struggled with how to articulate this one.  Part of me wanted to say "not letting things go (cue ridiculously overplayed Disney song)." But I think holding on to hurts is the best description.  We will all be hurt in relationships, because we are in relationships with humans, who make mistakes.  Whether in our marriage, or with our children, or with a sibling, we will have times where our feelings are intentionally and unintentionally hurt.  It can be difficult to let those things go.  Even if the offender apologizes and makes amends, we tend to hold on to the hurt feelings.    If you want to be happy in relationships, you will learn the skill of forgiving.  You will be able to accept apologies, remind yourself that this person loves you.  There are thousands of ways we hurt each other unintentionally.  Your husband forgets to bring home the dry cleaning, your wife forgets it was your big meeting at work, and on and on.  Talk about it, accept apologies, and move on.
Important side note: I am mostly talking about unintentional hurts, and the occasional purposeful one.  However, if you are in a relationship with someone who intentionally hurts you, over and over, without acknowledging the need to change, you need to consider setting some appropriate boundaries with that person.  I am not advocating allowing yourself to be abused or taken advantage of when I'm talking about letting go of hurts.  This is an entirely different topic altogether that I'm not going to get into right now.  Just keep that in mind.

What would your spouse/children/siblings say if you asked them whether you did any of these things?  We all do these to some degree or another.  Pick one to work on this week!  Good luck friends.  Happier relationships are waiting!

Tapestry

First, remember to send in any questions for our Thursday Q&A!  Email them to
have joy{at}ymail{dot}com.

And thank you to those of you who commented on last week's post about depression.  I so appreciate your support for the reader who sent in the question!  Thank you!

I have talked before about the comparison trap (read my post here), and I will probably talk about it a million more times in the future.  Mostly because I struggle with it, and I think a lot of women struggle with it.  And I tend to write about things that I need reminders about, and this is one of those things.

We all have different gifts, and we are all expected to use our gifts in ways unique to our strengths and abilities.  Some people have gifts in the form of talents (like singing, or painting, or baking), but some of us have gifts that aren't necessarily recognized as talents, like being a good listener, being a patient mother, being able to recognize a need and fill it through service, or being able to look at life through a positive lens.  It can be easy to compare those quieter gifts to others who may have gifts that speak more loudly.

I want to share an excerpt from a talk given at BYU in1989 by Patricia Holland (Jeffrey R. Holland's wife), entitled Filling the Measure of Your Creation.  She states:

"I once read a wonderful analogy of the limitations our present perspective imposes on us. The message was that in the ongoing process of creation—our creation and the creation of all that surrounds us—our heavenly parents are preparing a lovely tapestry with exquisite colors and patterns and hues. They are doing so lovingly and carefully and masterfully. And each of us is playing a part—our part—in the creation of that magnificent, eternal piece of art.

But in doing so we have to remember that it is very difficult for us to assess our own contributions accurately. We see the rich burgundy of a neighboring thread and think, “That’s the color I want to be.” Then we admire yet another’s soft, restful blue or beige and think, “No, those are better colors than mine.” But in all of this we don’t see our work the way God sees it, nor do we realize that others are wishing they had our color or position or texture in the tapestry—even as we are longing for theirs.

Perhaps most important of all to remember is that through most of the creative period we are confined to the limited view of the underside of the tapestry where things can seem particularly jumbled and muddled and unclear. If nothing really makes very much sense from that point of view, it is because we are still in process and unfinished. But our heavenly parents have the view from the top, and one day we will know what they know—that every part of the artistic whole is equal in importance and balance and beauty. They know our purpose and potential, and they have given us the perfect chance to make the perfect contribution in this divine design."

I love everything about this.  It is very difficult for us to assess our own contributions accurately, she says. Remember, YOU have been given certain gifts and abilities, and YOU are important to your circle of influence, and YOU have a divine role in God's plan.  YOU.  Flaws and all.

Now stop mourning the person you are not, and get out there and be the best YOU you can be!

Laptops and Life Lessons

Let me tell you a story:
I had an old Macbook.

Like OLD.

Like I got it in 2009. And it was already refurbished.

It was older than my grandpa's dance moves. You getting the picture?

Anyway, it stopped holding a charge. I bought a new battery and it still wouldn't hold a charge. So for a long time (like a year at least) I just had to have it plugged in all the time. And if one of my kids tripped on the cord and pulled it out then my laptop would shut down. Not cool.

Then one day it wouldn't turn on even when it was plugged in. I was so bummed! I could buy another battery, but I had already done that and it hadn't been successful. So we decided it was time to get me a new laptop.

My new MacBook arrived. I was stoked. Fully charged, not plugged in, I happily used it everywhere I couldn't use my old laptop (i.e.: the bathtub).

Finally the battery ran out on my beautiful new MacBook. It was my bedtime, so I quickly plugged the laptop in and slipped into dreamland. The next morning I opened my new beauty to find it completely NOT CHARGED. What? Hadn't I plugged it in all the way? I wiggled the cord around, and nothing.

That's when it hit me.

My old computer hadn't been broken.

My charger had been broken!!!!!!!

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

I died.

Could not stop laughing. We had purchased a new laptop when really all we needed was a new charger!! Because of what I knew about my laptop (that it was old and crummy) I hadn't looked at all the possibilities and had missed what was really going on. As a result, I spent way more money than I needed to. Oops.

It got me thinking, how many times in life do we do this? How often are we so focused on what we think is going on, or on our own limited viewpoint, that we fail to see what is really happening? We make assumptions all the time based on what we think we know. We do it with our spouses, we do it with our kids, we do it with our neighbors, friends, and siblings. And it limits us. It limits our ability to fully connect with people, and to see the big picture.

Moral of the story: Don't make assumptions! Especially in relationships. Or when it comes to MacBooks. Because sometimes, no matter how sure you are, it's not the laptop that's the problem.

Kids Gone Wild

One of my favorite coping mechanisms is laughter.  No matter what is going on in life, if you can figure out a way to laugh about it you will be so much happier.  Reminds me of a quote by Marjorie Pay Hinckley:

The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it.  You either have to laugh or cry.  I prefer to laugh.  Crying give me a headache.

And so, in the spirit of laughing when something horrible happens, here is a link to pictures of a bunch of rotten kids right before they were severely punished.  (Note:  No children were harmed in the making of this post.  Although I cannot speak for what happened after these pictures were taken.)

Enjoy (click the link below):

LAUGH SO YOU DON'T CRY

Relax, Cat

Hey virtual friends.

Want to know about something that is so important, but that I am so terrible at?

Taking care of yourself.

It's probably one of the most important and most overlooked things in my life, and in most of your lives I'm guessing.  Why is that?  Why is it so easy to neglect ourselves?

I am extremely talented at running myself into the ground and burning myself out.  Anyone else out there have this amazing gift?

In the past I have found myself regularly in tears by 8am because I am so exhausted and overwhelmed. 

This is not ideal.

So I have come up with a little list.  5 ways to take care of yourself in 10 minutes.  We all have 10 minutes we could spare for ourselves, right??  Carry on.

1.  Meditate
Seriously one of the quickest, best ways to ground yourself and alleviate stress.  Go somewhere quiet (I have even locked myself in the bathroom with the fan on.  Don't tell my kids).  Sit or lay comfortably.  Close your eyes.  Take deep, slow breaths.  Focus your thoughts completely on your breathing.  Don't think about the laundry piled up.  Don't think about what happened yesterday with your husband, or what will be happening tomorrow at work.  Force your mind to stay focused on your breathing.  In and out. That's it.  (Anyone interested in more meditation tips at some point?)

2. Stretch
When we are stressed and overwhelmed, our muscles tighten up and our bodies hold the tension we are feeling in our psyche.  Take a few minutes to stretch your sad muscles.  It will make a difference!  Below are some examples of basic stretches.  I know the picture isn't the best quality, but it has a good variety of upper and lower body stretches.

3. Dance
When you need to bust out of your funk, bust a move.  Turn on your iPod, or radio, or CD player, or 8track (is that what they were called?) to a fun, energetic song, and dance like nobody's watching.  Because hopefully there will be nobody watching.  It has been clinically proven that music can improve your mood (or make your mood worse, depending on the type of music you choose).  So put on a happy jam and get your John Travolta on.  One of my current favorites is Chewing Gum by Annie.  You're welcome.

4. Read
Book, magazine, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, your favorite blog (*wink*wink*), anything to take you away from the stress of the moment.  Sometimes FB and Instagram make me more stressed because I see all these perfect people with their perfect lives and their perfect hair.  But other times I like connecting with my friends and looking at fun pictures.  Just decide what you're in the mood for.  And remember, it's only 10 minutes!  It's easy to get sucked in to this one.

5.Write
This is one of my favorites.  Whether it's writing on a blog, in a journal, or venting on Facebook, writing can be so cathartic.  Taking ten minutes and a pen and just letting whatever spills out spill out.  Don't worry about editing, don't worry about spelling (unless you're me, and then you always worry about spelling), just write.  You'd be surprised how much better you feel after getting all that stress and emotion out of you and onto paper (or a keyboard :).

There are countless other ways to relieve stress.  Not all of these will work for you.  But maybe one or two of them will.  Pick one to try sometime today.  All you need is some stress.  And ten minutes.