Searching

It's Friday.
Bless America.

I saw clients yesterday.  A lot of them.  And it's always a humbling experience to sit in with people in their darkness, to honor their pain.  It is frustrating to watch people sit in their problems like a hot tub and just swim around in them for a while without doing anything to get out of the hot water.  And it is amazing to watch people shift their thinking, rewrite their stories, and turn their heartaches into beautiful strengths.  Seeing clients makes me reevaluate myself and my relationships, and reminds me that though our gender, or race, or religion, or sexuality, or marital status, or income may be different, we all share the same basic human experience.

Every person is seeking meaning and happiness.  The details are different, the big picture is the same. That's what it all boils down to.

How are you coming along on that search?

Q&A: How do you do Anger?

Today I'm going to switch up the Q&A a bit.  A smidge.  A tad.  Today I'm asking the question, and you are giving the answers...in your heads/journals/or comments if you so desire.

Q: How do you do Anger?  Think about how you respond to your spouse/significant other/boss/neighbor/siblings as you read this.

In general, there are three main camps people fit into when it comes to communicating.  When we get angry (usually as a result of feeling sad, or hurt, or threatened somehow) we tend to jump into autopilot when it comes to communicating, and that can lead to some big time communication mistakes.  Here are the three communication styles:

Aggressive -- Behaviors that are aggressive responses to anger are the following: yelling, screaming, intimidating in any way, becoming physical at all (throwing things, pushing, hitting, etc...), swearing, using sarcasm (yup, aggressive), eye rolling, making faces, mimicking, making fun of responses ("oh, now you're going to cry?  You're so sad that you're crying?!"), blaming, being condescending, threats, put downs, getting into the other's personal space. The belief is that your opinions and emotions are more important than anyone else's.

Passive -- Not expressing genuine feelings, avoiding conflict, long rambling sentences (not unlike the one I'm currently writing), overly apologizing, avoiding eye contact, hesitant, avoidant, "I'm not worth it," "he knows better than me," "he will think badly of me if I say anything."  The belief is that your opinions and emotions are less important than anyone else's.

Assertive -- Able to communicate your thoughts and emotions without violating the rights of others.  The belief is that your opinions and emotions are equally as important as everyone else's.

When you are angry,  you will most likely lean more towards aggressive or passive behavior by nature.  We could talk a lot about this, about the pros and cons, about how to shift to more assertive behaviors, but for now just identify which camp you fall into.  And identify which behaviors are your go to choices in a moment of anger.  If you're not sure, try to pay attention the next time you and lover boy get in a fight.  Or the next time the boy toy doesn't call when he says he will.  How do you respond?

There is a combo category, what we call Passive Aggressive behavior.  This would be someone who is passive in such a way that they want to avoid conflict, they do not openly communicate their feelings, but then they feel angry and resentful about it, so they do an aggressive act that is not directly related to whatever they are feeling upset about.

For example, Sally hates pizza. Julie invites Sally to lunch.
Julie: Hey, where do you want to eat?
Sally: I don't care.
Julie: Ok...well there is a great pizza place downtown.  Let's try that!
Sally: Sure.

Sally does not want pizza, but does not want to cause conflict or tension. So she passively goes along with Julie's idea for pizza, but is frustrated that she isn't getting her needs met.  That's the passive part.  At lunch, Julie gets up to use the restroom, and Sally purposefully knocks Julie's pizza to the floor.  That's the aggressive part.  Sally is passive in her ability to communicate what she needs, but then becomes angry that her needs are not being met, so she acts out in an aggressive, possibly unrelated way.  This is obviously an exaggerated example.  Most passive-aggressive responses are more subtle (such as intentionally "forgetting" to pick up your husband's dry cleaning when you are mad at him, disguising criticism as a compliment "oh, you look so skinny in that shirt!  You must have spent a fortune on that!" or giving someone the silent treatment).

So my friends, chew on that chunk of information for a while.  Decide which communication style is your typical go to in times of anger.  And maybe think about one or two things you could work on when it comes to communicating.

Q&A: 3 things that damage relationships

Q: What are three things you see that damage relationships?

A: Great question!  I will give you three common problems I see with my clients who come in for marital/family counseling that really get in the way of their happiness.  Here we go.

1. Selfishness -- So common.  So easy to see in others, so hard to see in ourselves.  People who are focused on what they "should" be getting, or are caught up in how they feel, what they think, and what they want tend to be unhappy in relationships.  They are a bottomless pit looking to get filled by others, and that is not the way relationships work.  Choose to hear your partner's (or child's or mother's) opinion, choose to think about what he/she might be needing, and be open to the idea that there is more than one right way to do things.  Your way is not the only way, and your needs and feelings are not the only important needs and feelings in the relationship.  Look outside of yourself.

2. Anger -- this is a bit tricky, because underneath anger is usually a softer emotion, like fear, or insecurity, or pain.  But I want to focus on the anger part.  When you let anger control your responses, you create distance in your relationships.  BE IN CONTROL OF YOUR ACTIONS.  You may not be able to control feeling angry, but you absolutely can control how you respond with that anger.  DO NOT call names, swear, intentionally hurt, use mean sarcasm, or become physical in any way.  This is not productive, and it is damaging to individuals and relationships.

3. Holding on to hurts -- I struggled with how to articulate this one.  Part of me wanted to say "not letting things go (cue ridiculously overplayed Disney song)." But I think holding on to hurts is the best description.  We will all be hurt in relationships, because we are in relationships with humans, who make mistakes.  Whether in our marriage, or with our children, or with a sibling, we will have times where our feelings are intentionally and unintentionally hurt.  It can be difficult to let those things go.  Even if the offender apologizes and makes amends, we tend to hold on to the hurt feelings.    If you want to be happy in relationships, you will learn the skill of forgiving.  You will be able to accept apologies, remind yourself that this person loves you.  There are thousands of ways we hurt each other unintentionally.  Your husband forgets to bring home the dry cleaning, your wife forgets it was your big meeting at work, and on and on.  Talk about it, accept apologies, and move on.
Important side note: I am mostly talking about unintentional hurts, and the occasional purposeful one.  However, if you are in a relationship with someone who intentionally hurts you, over and over, without acknowledging the need to change, you need to consider setting some appropriate boundaries with that person.  I am not advocating allowing yourself to be abused or taken advantage of when I'm talking about letting go of hurts.  This is an entirely different topic altogether that I'm not going to get into right now.  Just keep that in mind.

What would your spouse/children/siblings say if you asked them whether you did any of these things?  We all do these to some degree or another.  Pick one to work on this week!  Good luck friends.  Happier relationships are waiting!

Tapestry

First, remember to send in any questions for our Thursday Q&A!  Email them to
have joy{at}ymail{dot}com.

And thank you to those of you who commented on last week's post about depression.  I so appreciate your support for the reader who sent in the question!  Thank you!

I have talked before about the comparison trap (read my post here), and I will probably talk about it a million more times in the future.  Mostly because I struggle with it, and I think a lot of women struggle with it.  And I tend to write about things that I need reminders about, and this is one of those things.

We all have different gifts, and we are all expected to use our gifts in ways unique to our strengths and abilities.  Some people have gifts in the form of talents (like singing, or painting, or baking), but some of us have gifts that aren't necessarily recognized as talents, like being a good listener, being a patient mother, being able to recognize a need and fill it through service, or being able to look at life through a positive lens.  It can be easy to compare those quieter gifts to others who may have gifts that speak more loudly.

I want to share an excerpt from a talk given at BYU in1989 by Patricia Holland (Jeffrey R. Holland's wife), entitled Filling the Measure of Your Creation.  She states:

"I once read a wonderful analogy of the limitations our present perspective imposes on us. The message was that in the ongoing process of creation—our creation and the creation of all that surrounds us—our heavenly parents are preparing a lovely tapestry with exquisite colors and patterns and hues. They are doing so lovingly and carefully and masterfully. And each of us is playing a part—our part—in the creation of that magnificent, eternal piece of art.

But in doing so we have to remember that it is very difficult for us to assess our own contributions accurately. We see the rich burgundy of a neighboring thread and think, “That’s the color I want to be.” Then we admire yet another’s soft, restful blue or beige and think, “No, those are better colors than mine.” But in all of this we don’t see our work the way God sees it, nor do we realize that others are wishing they had our color or position or texture in the tapestry—even as we are longing for theirs.

Perhaps most important of all to remember is that through most of the creative period we are confined to the limited view of the underside of the tapestry where things can seem particularly jumbled and muddled and unclear. If nothing really makes very much sense from that point of view, it is because we are still in process and unfinished. But our heavenly parents have the view from the top, and one day we will know what they know—that every part of the artistic whole is equal in importance and balance and beauty. They know our purpose and potential, and they have given us the perfect chance to make the perfect contribution in this divine design."

I love everything about this.  It is very difficult for us to assess our own contributions accurately, she says. Remember, YOU have been given certain gifts and abilities, and YOU are important to your circle of influence, and YOU have a divine role in God's plan.  YOU.  Flaws and all.

Now stop mourning the person you are not, and get out there and be the best YOU you can be!

Q&A: I feel so alone

I got this email from a reader a few weeks ago, and thought there might be others out there struggling in similar ways.  It is posted here with her permission.