Elizabeth Smart

So last week I started reading the Elizabeth Smart story, written by Elizabeth Smart herself.  At the age of 14 she was kidnapped out of her bed in the middle of the night by a man and woman, and kept as a "wife" and "handmaiden" in the mountains of Utah and the desert of California for nine months before she was rescued.  She endured extreme weather conditions, days without food or water, being chained to a tree, threatened, and sexually assaulted over and over again.  I actually started it and finished it in one day (just don't ask me if anything else got done,  pretty sure my kids and husband survived on popcorn and cereal and spent the day rolling around in piles of unfolded laundry).  It was a quick and easy read, word wise, not so much emotion wise.  Emotionally it was draining and terrifying, but also full of hope and healing.  It has now been more than 10 years since her kidnapping, and after her rescue she went on to college, to serve an LDS mission, and has since been married in an LDS temple.  Elizabeth's perspective is so much greater than I think mine would be.  I want to share part of the ending chapter that touched me and that I've thought about numerous times.  

She states:

As of this writing, I am 25 years old.  I have been alive for 307 months.  Nine of those months were pretty terrible.  But 298 of those months have been very good.  I have been happy.  I have been very blessed.  Who knows how many more months I have to live? But even if I died tomorrow, nine out of 307 seems like pretty good odds.

I have had this paragraph rolling around in my head since I read it.  I'd say nine of those months were more than "pretty terrible."  They were full of the most violating, traumatizing, dehumanizing things a person can experience.  And yet, she has the perspective to say nine out of 307 is pretty good odds.  We all have our deserts, our dark times.  Ours might not be as public as Elizabeth's, they might not seem as heavy, but for each individual our dark times can be overwhelming.  As we come out of those dark times, as we move towards healing, what a beautiful blessing it would be to have the perspective that Elizabeth Smart has been able to achieve.  

To be able to say, yeah, that was pretty terrible.  But nine out of 307 ain't bad.

F PLUS

 Have you ever had a day you would like to do over?  Not because it was amazing and wonderful, but because you had some glaring not great moments that you would like to erase and try again?  That was me yesterday.  I went to bed feeling like there were so many moments that I would have gotten a big fat F on.  Good thing we have tomorrows.  And I'm sorrys.  And loving kids and husbands who forgive.  My sweet 2 year old has gotten in this phase where she will spontaneously come put her hands on both of my cheeks, look into my eyes, and then slowly kiss me on the cheek and smile.  I feel like I might die from loving her too much every time she does it.  It has a way of snapping me out of my crazy and bringing me back to the moment where I can recognize what is important and let the other things go. 

So today is my chance to redeem myself from the day of F's I had yesterday.  To choose not to listen to the voice of failure in my head, and to try again.  And again.  And again. And to remind myself that it's ok that I am not perfect.  I don't need to be perfect.  I just need to be trying.  And I am really really good at trying.

You are His

I feel the need to say thank you.  Thank you to those readers and friends who have been supportive and kind.  Let me give you some background, and this is going to get really personal.

I love to write.  I used to blog daily (years ago), and I have always been a story teller.  Not the kind of story teller that's a big fat liar (oh, she's a "story teller"), but just someone who can take an ordinary event and make it into a big, long, entertaining story.  Everyone in my family is like this, it's one of our family traits.  I think I'm the worst at it out of everyone in the fam, but that's an entirely different post altogether.

For the past few months I have been feeling more and more like I need to be writing again.  I have felt...compelled, I guess is the best way to say it.  And as I've thought about it, and tried to figure out how much time to put into it, and how to pursue it, I have found myself becoming discouraged.  I have been swimming in self-doubt and insecurity, and it's been confusing to me.  Why in the world would I be feeling so unsure?  It is just a blog!  No one cares if I write, or what I write.  If you feel like writing, Nikki, just write!  But time after time those dark voices would whisper that I wasn't good enough and shouldn't even try.

I had a conversation with my sister, Calee, who really helped me put things in perspective.  She reminded me that one of the most influential tools Satan uses in our life is self-doubt and fear.  And that if I really knew I was a daughter of God, if I really knew He was aware of me, that those dark voices would be quieted, and would not have as much influence on my decisions.

So, I hit my knees.  I asked Heavenly Father to remind me that He knows me.  I asked Him to remind me of my gifts, and to help me discover how He would have me use them.

Later that day, my prayer was answered.

I received a text from an old friend (who I do not talk with regularly) telling me how much she loved reading my blog and how uplifting it was to her. I felt God's love as I read her words.

Moments later, I received an email from another friend who I haven't been in touch with since high school (besides the sporadic liking each other's Facebook posts), telling me that she felt she needed to write and tell me how much she appreciates my posts.  She said that she knows it is difficult to make time to write every day, but that my posts have been helping her get through a difficult time.  Again, I felt like Heavenly Father was reminding me that there are reasons I've felt compelled to be writing.

Just a few minutes after I received that email, I got another email from a woman at church (my Relief Society President).  I am fairly new in our ward, and I don't know many people well.  I have chatted with this woman once or twice, but that is the extent of our interaction.  In her email she wrote that I had been on her mind lately, and that she felt she needed to tell me that I am special, and that Heavenly Father knows and loves me.

As I read through her email, my eyes filled with tears.  I felt overwhelming love from my Father in Heaven, who was gently reminding me over and over that He knows me, and through others, was encouraging me to follow the promptings I've been receiving regarding writing.  I cannot describe the intensity of the feeling.  I know that there is a God.  I know that not only is He all powerful, the Creator of all things, but He is also our loving Father.  He knows us.  Each of us.  He knows what you are struggling with right at this moment.  He knows the desires of your heart.  He knows your heartaches.

I know He knows mine.  And I know He knows yours.

If you are struggling with self-doubt or insecurity, with heartache or loss, with sadness or confusion I challenge you to do what I did.  To pray, and ask God to remind you of His love for you.  Ask Him to strengthen your testimony that you are His child.

Your answer may not come as mine did (there have been many times my answers to prayer have not been so quick or so obvious), but I know it will come.

Since this experience last week, there have been other emails and texts and comments and Facebook posts in continual answer to that prayer.  Thank you to those of you who have followed the promptings you have felt to reach out to me in some way.  You have been His answer.

Q&A: 3 things that damage relationships

Q: What are three things you see that damage relationships?

A: Great question!  I will give you three common problems I see with my clients who come in for marital/family counseling that really get in the way of their happiness.  Here we go.

1. Selfishness -- So common.  So easy to see in others, so hard to see in ourselves.  People who are focused on what they "should" be getting, or are caught up in how they feel, what they think, and what they want tend to be unhappy in relationships.  They are a bottomless pit looking to get filled by others, and that is not the way relationships work.  Choose to hear your partner's (or child's or mother's) opinion, choose to think about what he/she might be needing, and be open to the idea that there is more than one right way to do things.  Your way is not the only way, and your needs and feelings are not the only important needs and feelings in the relationship.  Look outside of yourself.

2. Anger -- this is a bit tricky, because underneath anger is usually a softer emotion, like fear, or insecurity, or pain.  But I want to focus on the anger part.  When you let anger control your responses, you create distance in your relationships.  BE IN CONTROL OF YOUR ACTIONS.  You may not be able to control feeling angry, but you absolutely can control how you respond with that anger.  DO NOT call names, swear, intentionally hurt, use mean sarcasm, or become physical in any way.  This is not productive, and it is damaging to individuals and relationships.

3. Holding on to hurts -- I struggled with how to articulate this one.  Part of me wanted to say "not letting things go (cue ridiculously overplayed Disney song)." But I think holding on to hurts is the best description.  We will all be hurt in relationships, because we are in relationships with humans, who make mistakes.  Whether in our marriage, or with our children, or with a sibling, we will have times where our feelings are intentionally and unintentionally hurt.  It can be difficult to let those things go.  Even if the offender apologizes and makes amends, we tend to hold on to the hurt feelings.    If you want to be happy in relationships, you will learn the skill of forgiving.  You will be able to accept apologies, remind yourself that this person loves you.  There are thousands of ways we hurt each other unintentionally.  Your husband forgets to bring home the dry cleaning, your wife forgets it was your big meeting at work, and on and on.  Talk about it, accept apologies, and move on.
Important side note: I am mostly talking about unintentional hurts, and the occasional purposeful one.  However, if you are in a relationship with someone who intentionally hurts you, over and over, without acknowledging the need to change, you need to consider setting some appropriate boundaries with that person.  I am not advocating allowing yourself to be abused or taken advantage of when I'm talking about letting go of hurts.  This is an entirely different topic altogether that I'm not going to get into right now.  Just keep that in mind.

What would your spouse/children/siblings say if you asked them whether you did any of these things?  We all do these to some degree or another.  Pick one to work on this week!  Good luck friends.  Happier relationships are waiting!

Q&A: I feel so alone

I got this email from a reader a few weeks ago, and thought there might be others out there struggling in similar ways.  It is posted here with her permission.