Expressions of love

Happy little video to start your week off right!  What are your expressions of love within your marriage?  With your kids?  With your friends? Make the effort today to do something kind for your spouse.  If you don't have a spouse, do something kind for a friend or parent or someone you love.  Make it a great week full of good things, everyone!

10 No No's for happy relationships

1. No name calling
2. No keeping score
3. No secrets
4. No weeks without sex
5. No going to bed at different times
6. No shutting down/storming out/stonewalling during conflict
7. No humor at your partner's expense
8. No talking badly about your partner to anyone. Except maybe your therapist. ;)
9. No intimate physical or emotional connection with anyone other than your partner.
10. No punishing your partner (withholding sex, companionship, money) for a perceived wrong.

There are millions more, but these are some very common problems I see with couples.  Are any of these no no's on your regular to do list?  Which ones can you work on to improve your relationship?

The Loss of Another

There is so much heartache in this world.  Every person carries wounds, some that are obvious and many that are not.  I have started to notice this interesting phenomenon about other people's pain.  When I see someone who has experienced tragedy in their lives, whether through divorce, or death, or physical ailments or diseases, I want to peek into their lives and know all about them.  I want to know how they are coping.  I want to know about their pain.  I want to know what their life was like before and how it will be moving forward.  I think we are all like this.  This is why people like Stephanie Nielsen are so influential.  People flock to see tragedy.  And the recipient of that tragedy has the opportunity to share their stories to help lift others going through similar things and to be a message of hope and triumph to those watching.

Why do we rush to read about someone's heartache?  Is it because we are just nosy and judgmental?  I choose to believe there is a greater reason.  I choose to believe it is because we are compassionate.  When we see someone going through a great difficulty, we feel their pain.  We imagine how we would handle a similar situation.  We take their lessons and apply them into our lives.  And we gain a greater appreciation and gratitude for the blessings we enjoy.  In this way, we are helping each other.  We are learning and bettering our lives because of someone else's experiences.

Photo by Amelia Lyon

This is where my mind has been the past few days.  A close relative of my ex-husband recently experienced a horrific loss.  She and her husband lost their two and a half month old daughter to SIDS.  My heart has been grieving for them, and I have felt the weight of their loss in my own life.  Each time I look into the sweet face of my 2 year old, I feel it.  Each time my 7 year old wraps her arms around my waist in a quick hug, I feel it.  As I look through baby pictures of my girls, I feel it.  My heart is heavy.  So, so heavy.

And I am reminding myself to be a little more patient with the toddler messes.  And a little less irritated about the child who gets out of bed for one more hug.  And a little more thankful for the three beautiful children I've been blessed with in my life.  And it is for this reason that I am passing along the heartbreaking story of another.  So you readers can pray for their sweet family to feel peace and comfort during this time, and also so you can take the opportunity to evaluate your own life to find the things you take for granted.  Because someday, the moments that now overwhelm you will be fading memories.

To donate to this family for funeral expenses, please visit their donations page.

Service Through a Dress

I decided I wanted to start chronicling (ummm is that the weirdest word in the history of words?) some stories and memories about my mom.

It has been almost 4 years since she passed away, which is so crazy to me.  I haven't spoken to my mom in 4 years!  I still have her in my favorites on my phone, though her number now belongs to someone else. When she first passed away, I found myself reaching for my phone multiple times a day to call or text her, and I still can't bear to delete her information.  It's almost like that would be forgetting her or something.  Every once in a while I'll go look at her Facebook page, too, just to remind myself that there is still evidence of her, that her life hasn't completely disappeared.  It's the weirdest thing to think about her being gone.  How is it that someone is just not here anymore?  One day they are living, breathing, worrying, and the next, nothing.  I honestly don't know how people get through losing a loved one without a belief in an afterlife.

So.  Stories about my mom.  I've told this one to some people, but haven't written it down.  Here goes.

When I was a senior in high school I was really really busy.  I was in a lot of AP classes (like honors classes), I was in ASB (student government), I had a part time job (as the janitor at a dental office, now if you want to talk about glamorous...), and I was on a competitive club cheerleading team that practiced 3 times a week an hour away from my house.  I also attended early morning seminary (a class put on by my church where we studied books of scripture) that started at 5:45 AM.  That's right.  Needless to say I was exhausted pretty much all the time.  Senior Ball was coming up, and I was stressed because I had no time to go look for a dress, and in my 17 year old world that was a catastrophe.

I came home from school one day, two weeks before the dance exhausted as usual.  I walked in the front door to find formal dresses hung all over the living room.  Beautiful fabric, beautiful colors, sparkles and sequins.  As I sat there confused and looking around, my mom explained to me that she knew I was so busy and stressed, so she had gone to the mall that day to find me a dress.  She went to store after store, and looked at dress after dress, and bought 10 or 12 dresses that she thought I would like.  She brought them home and set them up for me so I could try them on and choose one.  She was like my own personal shopper, and my living room was transformed into my very own specialized dress shop.  I was so thankful that my sweet mom took time out of her own busy schedule (which certainly included things that actually mattered) to serve me and help me find a dress.  She could have easily said, "It's just a dress, it doesn't matter.  It's one dance that you will soon forget about."  Instead, she was wise enough to know that even though the dance didn't matter, I mattered.  Even though finding the right dress wasn't important, I was important.

I picked out a dress I loved from the ones she chose, and she returned the others the next day.   Though I do not remember much about that dance, I do remember the love of my sweet mother, and how I felt that love through a dress.

Focus on the Flower

 

When I was in grad school one of my professors told us about the Lotus flower.  I have reflected on the symbolism of this flower many times, so I'm now sharing it with you.

The Lotus flower is sacred in Buddhism.  It means purity, cosmic harmony, potential, and enlightenment among other things.

But what is symbolic to me about this flower is where it comes from.  Lotus flowers grow in murky, swampy, shallow waters.  The seed emerges from the mud at the bottom of a swamp and blooms on the surface of the water.  There is the obvious symbolism that beautiful things are created from dark circumstances, and that is surely significant.  But there is another lesson in the flower.

Imagine being there.  In a swamp.  Shallow, warm, muddy.  Bugs everywhere.  A less than pleasant smell.  Hot, humid, murky as far as you can see.  And there, a Lotus flower.  Amidst the unpleasant surroundings, a beautiful flower has blossomed.  

What do we choose to focus on in our lives?  Are we so caught up in our murky circumstances that we fail to see the beautiful gift that is born from that very swamp?

Are we able to look past the swamp to appreciate the beauty of the flower? 

Without the swamp, there would be no blossom.

We all have swamps in our lives, and each swamp yields something beautiful that would not otherwise be there.  Find your Lotus blossom.  

Focus on the flower.

Romance Is Nice...

Romance is nice. But it is biological in origin. That dizzy head-over-heels feeling is a species of losing your mind, and most of the time it lasts only as long as the chase. What we keep forgetting is that in marriage, as opposed to romances, you aren't marrying the thrilling wonderful perfect Someone you're looking at right now. You're marrying the man who decides not to have the dazzling career with the high salary, refusing promotions and transfers so the kids don't have to change schools. You're marrying the woman whose body doesn't bounce back after the third baby, so she's no longer slim and attractive by the standards of the magazines. You're marrying the migraines and the hemorrhoids and the heart attack and the cancer; you're marrying the irritable, forgetful, lazy, thoughtless, sarcastic, distracted, too-busy days as well as the Kodak-happy ones.

You're marrying the one who works with you to raise the crippled child, or stands with you at the graveside of the child who dies. You're marrying the one who can't find work after the company folds or he's laid off; you're marrying the early Alzheimer's, the diabetes, the obesity, the pain of conflict and the struggle of forgiveness. The foundation of that isn't some ideal of romantic love. It's a commitment based on the goals you share. And real love, married love, is not what you start with--it's what you create together along the way.

--Orson Scott Card

Soul Mates

People think a soul mate is your perfect match, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
--Unknown

Q&A: Love Story

Q: What is your marriage/engagement story? How long did you date before you got engaged? How long were you engaged before you got married? Was this your first marriage, or had you done it before? I always like hearing people's love stories. Oh, and here's the kicker: Now that you are married, would you have done anything differently? Are you happily married? Are there things you wish you had done/known/asked while you were dating?

Let's hear it, people...

Ode to Dr. Pepper (PART 2)

Thank you to Emily who showed me this amazing video. I need to marry this man.

Ode to Dr. Pepper

Top 10 Reasons I Want to be Mrs. Dr. Pepper:
10. My mom would love it if I married a doctor
9. He cheers me up on hard days
8. He never talks back to me
7. I've always had a thing for the brown ones
6. He makes a lot of money
5. Everyone knows him
4. Red looks good on me
3. He adds flavor to my life
2. He always hits the spot
1. I'm fairly certain that no one in the world loves him more than I do.

My favorite way to drink the heavenly nectar:
Ice cold can, poured into a cup of ice, with a straw. I swear this is the best way to drink Dr. Pepper. Honestly I think it tastes different from a bottle or a fountain. The stuff from the fountain just isn't as...potent...or something. Wish I was kidding right now. Totally not.

Go enjoy a Dr. Pepper in my honor everyone. Savor it, my friends. Savor it.

A Big, Fat F

I know my blog has gone from semi-interesting to totally lame lately. I am going to really try to post new things more often. Not only is it more fun for all of you out there in cyberland, but it is cathartic for me.

So, with the goal to actually blog in mind, I proceed with the following story:

I was on my lunch today, enjoying some tomato bisque and some Dr. Laura in my car. I've always had a love/hate relationship with her. I agree with most of her advice, but sometimes not with the delivery so much.

Anyway, she took a call from a mid-twenties female.

The girl said, "I want to know how to get over a divorce. I've been divorced for 1 year now, and I need to know how to get over it."

Naturally, my interest peaks.

Dr. L: Well, what do you need to get over?

Girl: I don't know...I feel like I've failed.

Dr. L: Well, you have.

**silence**

Dr. L: You have failed. You are divorced.

My stomach--knots. My heartbeat--elevated. I'm feeling the perfectionist/type A personality/ control freak part of me start to take over. And that part of me does not like to be called a failure.

But I am.

I am divorced. My marriage failed. Does it matter if it was my fault? Does it matter if it was his fault? Does it matter if it was my old boyfriend doing voodoo to sabatoge my relationship so he could fly in on a magic pony and take me to a land of dreams and sparkles? I really don't think so.

When you're filling out paperwork and have to mark one of the boxes (single, married, divorced), there is not a box that says, "divorced but it was totally not my fault." Mostly because chances are it probably was your fault. At least to some extent.

So I have got to accept the fact that I have failed. No matter what the details of it are. No matter how unfair it seems. No matter how badly I want to rent a billboard or wear a t-shirt around that says, "Divorced...but only because my ex is a loser." haha. (IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE: I do not think Ex is a loser.  I'm just trying to make a point.)

The gospel adds a dimension to this, though. Answers to prayer can be very powerful, and the peace you feel when you're making the right choice is undeniable. So from that perspective, I have not failed. I have followed through with the most difficult choice of my life because of an answer to prayer. And I have had countless experiences since then that confirm that this is the path I need to be on right now.

So no matter what that looks like to anyone else--even Dr. Laura--I can stand tall knowing that, though my marriage has failed, I am not a failure.

And one day I will be in a land of dreams and sparkles.

Magic pony and all.

Oh marriage

When I was at BYU, I studied Marriage, Family, and Human Development. The text for one of my classes was a great book called Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, by Drs Les and Leslie Parrott. I busted it out the other day, and it appears that I was a bit highlighter happy while I was reading it years ago. But there is a lot (I mean A LOT) of good stuff in it. Allow me to share.

The authors talk about different myths of marriage. They say that some people expect everything in their relationship to get better once they get married. Not so, good soldier. Not so.

They say:

• Marriage is filled with both enjoyable and tedious tradeoffs, but by far the most dramatic loss experienced in a new marriage is the idealized image you have of your partner.

• Many things improve in relationships, but some things become more difficult. Every successful marriage requires necessary losses, and in choosing to marry, you inevitably go through a mourning process.
  

• No matter whom we fall in love with, we sooner or later fall out of love if the relationship continues long enough. This does not mean that we cease loving our partner. It means that the feeling of ecstatic love that characterizes the experience of falling in love always passes.

• An attorney that handles a number of divorce cases [said] that the number one reason two people split up is that they refuse to accept the fact that they are married to a human being.

• Most of the complaints about matrimony arise not because it is worse than the rest of life, but because it is not incomparably better.

I know, right? Pretty interesting stuff to think about. Do you agree with them? Chew on it for a while.

Come What May, and Love It

This morning I busted out the Ensign (a magazine put out by the LDS Church) and was doing some reading before heading to church. I came across an article by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin that really brought comfort to me, so I thought I would share some of it with you.

Here are a few of my favorite quotes from this talk, just randomly listed. (To read the full article, click here.)
"The Lord in His wisdom does not shield anyone from grief or sadness."

"If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness."

"Sometimes the very moments that seem to overcome us with suffering are those that will ultimately suffer us to overcome."

"The simple secret is this: put your trust in the Lord, do your best, then leave the rest to Him."

And my personal favorite from the talk:
"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss...Every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

How amazing is that to think about? That every tear we shed because of sorrow, or lonliness, or fear, or heartache, will be returned a hundredfold with tears of joy? What an amazing promise.


Happy Sunday, everyone.

After A While...

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and sharing a life.

And you learn that love doesn't mean possession and company doesn't mean security and loneliness is universal.

And you learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build your hope on today as the future has a way of falling apart mid-flight, because tomorrow's ground can be too uncertain for plans; yet each step taken in a new direction creates a path toward the promise of a brigher dawn.

And you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

And you learn to plant your own garden and nourish your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that true love always has joys and sorrows.

And you learn that through it all you really can endure, that you really are strong, that you really have value.

With every goodbye you learn.

-Anonymous

Q&A: When is enough enough?

That's right, people. I'm doing it again! Even in the wake of the awesomeness that was going on last week. Again, please leave your thoughts and advice if you feel so inclined. The people who send me their questions benefit from everyone's experiences, not just my own. Thanks in advance! Here goes:

I have been married for 6 years now(in the temple) and we have two great kids. while i was pregnant with our first my father in law died and my husband kind of spiraled into a downward motion. he became depressed and focused all of his time into his fathers company. when that fell through things got worse and my husband has had a big issue with pain killers. which has brought on a lot of financial issues, trust issues, and a lot of unhappiness for me while i have tried to get him help. and 2 years later its still a problem. I feel like I am ready to move on and provide my children with a better future, and i'm still not trusting my husband at all...how did you know when enough was enough?? I have prayed for answers and i know that this is all on heavenly fathers time but i don't want to give him false hope. Also, I am so afraid to break my temple covenants and deny my family of an eternal family.


Okay, there are a lot of pieces to this question that I would like to address. First of all, I can't really answer this question in the way you are probably looking for. Knowing when enough is enough is between you and the Lord. My enough will not be the same as your enough. You are really the only one that can answer that question.

So, instead of attempting to answer this, I am going to give you some thoughts I have or things to think about that might help you in your search for an answer.

1. It sounds like your husband made some bad choices during a time of stress and sadness in his life. Addictions are so dangerous because they really can take over, and they are difficult to overcome. That does not mean they cannot be overcome, though. The fact that it is still a problem two years later doesn't mean a whole lot to me. This could very well be a lifelong struggle for him. I would suggest that his behavior surrounding the addiction is more important to look at than the fact that he still struggles with it. For example, is he honest about it? Does he meet regularly with the bishop? Has he been to counseling or rehab? Does he feel godly sorrow? Is he actively trying to overcome this trial? Serious addictions will not be overcome quickly or easily, and it is possible to have a strong marriage despite a word of wisdom problem. An anonymous person commented on a post a few weeks ago about how her husband struggled for years with pornography. And though it has been a 20 year struggle, there was still love and kindness in their marriage, and she said she is so happy she stuck through it. Look at your husband's heart. Look at his goals and intentions. If these are in the right place, he absolutely can overcome this addiction...though it very well may be a lifelong struggle.


2. Like you said, breaking temple covenants is not something that should be taken lightly. Exhaust every option before you make that choice. Talk to your bishop about the thoughts you've been having, about your concerns for your marriage and your children. Make sure your relationship with Heavenly Father is where it needs to be, so that you can be in tune with the spirit. Hold regular family home evenings, attend the temple, and read your scriptures. This will not only be a strength to you, but to your husband and children as well. At a time you so desperately need the guidance and comfort of the spirit, make sure you find time to be still and listen to its quiet promptings.


3. It sounds like the trust has been damaged in your relationship. This can be so devastating to a marriage, and can take some hard work to regain. Have the two of you met with your bishop? Have you met with a therapist? I would suggest making an appointment with both.


4. What exactly have you been praying for? Do you feel you have received an answer? Maybe you are praying for the wrong things. Nikki's opinion on prayer: I find that when I pray for the Lord to tell me the answer, or to show me which path to choose, I very rarely get the clear cut answer I'm looking for. However, if I pray for guidance as I make the choice, if I weigh out the options in my mind, if I read and study about the topic, and make my own choice, and take that choice to the Lord in prayer, it is easier for me to recognize the "not a good idea" feeling or the "yes, go ahead with your plan" feeling. Perhaps try changing what you're praying for...


5. I am perplexed by you saying "I don't want to give him false hope." Why would it be false? Isn't that exactly what you should be doing right now? Giving him hope? Standing by him? Showing your faith in him? (This is assuming you answered yes to the questions I posed in point #1.) It sounds to me like you have already given up this fight. Maybe I misinterpreted what you meant by that...so if you would like to clarify, please do.


6. Lastly, if you answered no to the questions in point #1...I would spend some serious time in prayer. Speak to your bishop. Read ensign articles and conference talks on addiction and divorce. You have a tough choice ahead of you no matter what: stay in a relationship with a spouse who is not changing serious negative behavior, or leave. Neither one is pleasant. And no one can really know the implications of either one for your specific situation. Read your patriarchal blessing. Get blessings from family or friends. Now is not the time to make a quick choice. Pray, pray, pray! And whatever choice is right for you--to stay and work it out, or to face the awful reality of divorce--if you make the decision prayerfully and humbly, the Lord will not leave you to face it alone.

My heart goes out to you...