Demons

The other day I had a feel sorry for myself day. I was feeling all grumpy about my history, my multiple children from multiple husbands (so classy) who have to go back and forth and split their time and will have to do so for a long, long time.

And I was feeling so sad that I didn't protect them better.  Or make different choices somehow so that things would have ended differently.  And I let it consume me for a little while.

Which was so dumb.  Wanna know why?

1. Because it's in the past.  I cannot change it.  Dwelling on it is a waste of time and energy.  Learning from it?  Good.  Dwelling on it?  Stupid.
2. Because it made me angry, and put me in a grumpy mood all day.  Over something I cannot change.
3. Because while I was angry and feeling sorry for myself I was missing out on my three beautiful children.  Children who have been through a lot.  A lot of change.  A lot of instability. A lot of uncertainty.  And who are happy, kind, doing well in school, well adjusted, and basically kind of miracles.  I was focusing on the negatives in the past which caused me to miss out on the blessings of the present.

And that is a dangerous mindset, my friends.

We all have demons.  We all have things in our lives that we wish were different somehow.  And we all have the opportunity to focus on the blessings of the present rather than the would haves of the past.

Join me on the journey.

Q&A: How do you do Anger?

Today I'm going to switch up the Q&A a bit.  A smidge.  A tad.  Today I'm asking the question, and you are giving the answers...in your heads/journals/or comments if you so desire.

Q: How do you do Anger?  Think about how you respond to your spouse/significant other/boss/neighbor/siblings as you read this.

In general, there are three main camps people fit into when it comes to communicating.  When we get angry (usually as a result of feeling sad, or hurt, or threatened somehow) we tend to jump into autopilot when it comes to communicating, and that can lead to some big time communication mistakes.  Here are the three communication styles:

Aggressive -- Behaviors that are aggressive responses to anger are the following: yelling, screaming, intimidating in any way, becoming physical at all (throwing things, pushing, hitting, etc...), swearing, using sarcasm (yup, aggressive), eye rolling, making faces, mimicking, making fun of responses ("oh, now you're going to cry?  You're so sad that you're crying?!"), blaming, being condescending, threats, put downs, getting into the other's personal space. The belief is that your opinions and emotions are more important than anyone else's.

Passive -- Not expressing genuine feelings, avoiding conflict, long rambling sentences (not unlike the one I'm currently writing), overly apologizing, avoiding eye contact, hesitant, avoidant, "I'm not worth it," "he knows better than me," "he will think badly of me if I say anything."  The belief is that your opinions and emotions are less important than anyone else's.

Assertive -- Able to communicate your thoughts and emotions without violating the rights of others.  The belief is that your opinions and emotions are equally as important as everyone else's.

When you are angry,  you will most likely lean more towards aggressive or passive behavior by nature.  We could talk a lot about this, about the pros and cons, about how to shift to more assertive behaviors, but for now just identify which camp you fall into.  And identify which behaviors are your go to choices in a moment of anger.  If you're not sure, try to pay attention the next time you and lover boy get in a fight.  Or the next time the boy toy doesn't call when he says he will.  How do you respond?

There is a combo category, what we call Passive Aggressive behavior.  This would be someone who is passive in such a way that they want to avoid conflict, they do not openly communicate their feelings, but then they feel angry and resentful about it, so they do an aggressive act that is not directly related to whatever they are feeling upset about.

For example, Sally hates pizza. Julie invites Sally to lunch.
Julie: Hey, where do you want to eat?
Sally: I don't care.
Julie: Ok...well there is a great pizza place downtown.  Let's try that!
Sally: Sure.

Sally does not want pizza, but does not want to cause conflict or tension. So she passively goes along with Julie's idea for pizza, but is frustrated that she isn't getting her needs met.  That's the passive part.  At lunch, Julie gets up to use the restroom, and Sally purposefully knocks Julie's pizza to the floor.  That's the aggressive part.  Sally is passive in her ability to communicate what she needs, but then becomes angry that her needs are not being met, so she acts out in an aggressive, possibly unrelated way.  This is obviously an exaggerated example.  Most passive-aggressive responses are more subtle (such as intentionally "forgetting" to pick up your husband's dry cleaning when you are mad at him, disguising criticism as a compliment "oh, you look so skinny in that shirt!  You must have spent a fortune on that!" or giving someone the silent treatment).

So my friends, chew on that chunk of information for a while.  Decide which communication style is your typical go to in times of anger.  And maybe think about one or two things you could work on when it comes to communicating.

Q&A: 3 things that damage relationships

Q: What are three things you see that damage relationships?

A: Great question!  I will give you three common problems I see with my clients who come in for marital/family counseling that really get in the way of their happiness.  Here we go.

1. Selfishness -- So common.  So easy to see in others, so hard to see in ourselves.  People who are focused on what they "should" be getting, or are caught up in how they feel, what they think, and what they want tend to be unhappy in relationships.  They are a bottomless pit looking to get filled by others, and that is not the way relationships work.  Choose to hear your partner's (or child's or mother's) opinion, choose to think about what he/she might be needing, and be open to the idea that there is more than one right way to do things.  Your way is not the only way, and your needs and feelings are not the only important needs and feelings in the relationship.  Look outside of yourself.

2. Anger -- this is a bit tricky, because underneath anger is usually a softer emotion, like fear, or insecurity, or pain.  But I want to focus on the anger part.  When you let anger control your responses, you create distance in your relationships.  BE IN CONTROL OF YOUR ACTIONS.  You may not be able to control feeling angry, but you absolutely can control how you respond with that anger.  DO NOT call names, swear, intentionally hurt, use mean sarcasm, or become physical in any way.  This is not productive, and it is damaging to individuals and relationships.

3. Holding on to hurts -- I struggled with how to articulate this one.  Part of me wanted to say "not letting things go (cue ridiculously overplayed Disney song)." But I think holding on to hurts is the best description.  We will all be hurt in relationships, because we are in relationships with humans, who make mistakes.  Whether in our marriage, or with our children, or with a sibling, we will have times where our feelings are intentionally and unintentionally hurt.  It can be difficult to let those things go.  Even if the offender apologizes and makes amends, we tend to hold on to the hurt feelings.    If you want to be happy in relationships, you will learn the skill of forgiving.  You will be able to accept apologies, remind yourself that this person loves you.  There are thousands of ways we hurt each other unintentionally.  Your husband forgets to bring home the dry cleaning, your wife forgets it was your big meeting at work, and on and on.  Talk about it, accept apologies, and move on.
Important side note: I am mostly talking about unintentional hurts, and the occasional purposeful one.  However, if you are in a relationship with someone who intentionally hurts you, over and over, without acknowledging the need to change, you need to consider setting some appropriate boundaries with that person.  I am not advocating allowing yourself to be abused or taken advantage of when I'm talking about letting go of hurts.  This is an entirely different topic altogether that I'm not going to get into right now.  Just keep that in mind.

What would your spouse/children/siblings say if you asked them whether you did any of these things?  We all do these to some degree or another.  Pick one to work on this week!  Good luck friends.  Happier relationships are waiting!

If Mama Ain't Happy...

When I was growing up, we had a plaque in our home that looked something like this:

I always laughed at how true it was from my perspective as the kid - that if my mom wasn't happy seriously no one in the house was happy.  Her mood affected (and possibly even dictated) our moods.

Now I am the mom.  I have so much power in my home.  I influence for good or for bad.  I teach how to respond.

That is so stressful!  It's so much responsibility!

I have noticed this happening in my home recently.  I've been getting in weird, funky moods for no apparent reason.  And when I'm stressed, it permeates to the entire family.  I've noticed that everyone is more uptight and irritable when I am more uptight and irritable.

And I'm realizing that I HAVE CONTROL.  I can choose to be happy rather than stressed.  I can choose to respond with patience rather than frustration.  And the more I choose to be happy, the more happy the entire mood in the home will become.

So the next time your kids are being feisty with each other, or being grumpy, or responding in anger, take a step back and evaluate your own mood.  There's a good chance your kids are picking up on your mojo and acting out your bad mood.

Choose to be happy.  Choose to pass along your happiness to your family.  You have the power!  Use it for good. 

Laughs in Your Face

Sometimes when you think you're finally past the hardest of it, life laughs in your face.

You guys.  LIFE LAUGHS IN YOUR FACE.

Life's all like, "hahahaha!  You thought I was done with you?  When are you going to learn?  I'm taking away your Dr. Pepper next."

And we're all like, "Whoa, whoa, Life.  Chill out.  Just give me a minute to breathe."

And Life's all like, "You're an idiot."

And then we cry. And then we read posts like this and laugh.  And maybe cry some more.

Sometimes life is kind of heavy. 

And that's ok.  We are building emotional muscles.  I'm pretty much an emotional bodybuilder at this point. 

But sometimes I wish I wasn't.

Focus on the Flower

 

When I was in grad school one of my professors told us about the Lotus flower.  I have reflected on the symbolism of this flower many times, so I'm now sharing it with you.

The Lotus flower is sacred in Buddhism.  It means purity, cosmic harmony, potential, and enlightenment among other things.

But what is symbolic to me about this flower is where it comes from.  Lotus flowers grow in murky, swampy, shallow waters.  The seed emerges from the mud at the bottom of a swamp and blooms on the surface of the water.  There is the obvious symbolism that beautiful things are created from dark circumstances, and that is surely significant.  But there is another lesson in the flower.

Imagine being there.  In a swamp.  Shallow, warm, muddy.  Bugs everywhere.  A less than pleasant smell.  Hot, humid, murky as far as you can see.  And there, a Lotus flower.  Amidst the unpleasant surroundings, a beautiful flower has blossomed.  

What do we choose to focus on in our lives?  Are we so caught up in our murky circumstances that we fail to see the beautiful gift that is born from that very swamp?

Are we able to look past the swamp to appreciate the beauty of the flower? 

Without the swamp, there would be no blossom.

We all have swamps in our lives, and each swamp yields something beautiful that would not otherwise be there.  Find your Lotus blossom.  

Focus on the flower.