Demons

The other day I had a feel sorry for myself day. I was feeling all grumpy about my history, my multiple children from multiple husbands (so classy) who have to go back and forth and split their time and will have to do so for a long, long time.

And I was feeling so sad that I didn't protect them better.  Or make different choices somehow so that things would have ended differently.  And I let it consume me for a little while.

Which was so dumb.  Wanna know why?

1. Because it's in the past.  I cannot change it.  Dwelling on it is a waste of time and energy.  Learning from it?  Good.  Dwelling on it?  Stupid.
2. Because it made me angry, and put me in a grumpy mood all day.  Over something I cannot change.
3. Because while I was angry and feeling sorry for myself I was missing out on my three beautiful children.  Children who have been through a lot.  A lot of change.  A lot of instability. A lot of uncertainty.  And who are happy, kind, doing well in school, well adjusted, and basically kind of miracles.  I was focusing on the negatives in the past which caused me to miss out on the blessings of the present.

And that is a dangerous mindset, my friends.

We all have demons.  We all have things in our lives that we wish were different somehow.  And we all have the opportunity to focus on the blessings of the present rather than the would haves of the past.

Join me on the journey.

Control Freak

I am a control freak.

This can be a problem at times.  I'm not the super neat/myhousehastolooklikeamagazine kind of control freak.  And there are some times that I really prefer not to be in control.  But when it comes to certain things, I need to be the boss.  NEED.

For example, I hate being late.  And I rhyme all the time (that was a joke, silly bloke).  Let's say we are planning on leaving at 10am to get wherever on time.  Let's say I've done everything I can do to be out the door by 10.  I got up early, I got the kids stuff put together the night before.  Then, as we are walking out the door, the baby falls in a mud puddle or someone throws up or an alien swoops down and traps us in the house.  Those are the types of things that are infuriating to me.  Completely, 100% out of my control. And my stress level goes to a thousand (that's a pretty high level, right?) and I start getting snappy at my husband and kids and it's no fun for anyone.

This has been a personality trait that I have worked on over the years, and I feel like it's in a manageable place these days.  However, it is an extremely difficult characteristic to have when you are divorced.  There are lots and lots of times that I send my babies to their dad's and I have no control.  I don't know what they eat for dinner.  I don't know what time they go to bed, or whether they brushed their teeth or said their prayers.  I don't know what shows they are watching or what music they are listening to or what kinds of people are around them.  And even though I know their dads love them (yup. plural dads. awkward), a dad is not a mom!  And moms tend to be more detail oriented and worried about things like eating vegetables and brushing teeth and bedtimes.

That's all.  It is what it is, and I cannot control certain things about my situation.  I just needed to whine about it for a hot second.  My life is good and my children are happy.  Whine session over.

Peace out, homies.

Laughs in Your Face

Sometimes when you think you're finally past the hardest of it, life laughs in your face.

You guys.  LIFE LAUGHS IN YOUR FACE.

Life's all like, "hahahaha!  You thought I was done with you?  When are you going to learn?  I'm taking away your Dr. Pepper next."

And we're all like, "Whoa, whoa, Life.  Chill out.  Just give me a minute to breathe."

And Life's all like, "You're an idiot."

And then we cry. And then we read posts like this and laugh.  And maybe cry some more.

Sometimes life is kind of heavy. 

And that's ok.  We are building emotional muscles.  I'm pretty much an emotional bodybuilder at this point. 

But sometimes I wish I wasn't.

Focus on the Flower

 

When I was in grad school one of my professors told us about the Lotus flower.  I have reflected on the symbolism of this flower many times, so I'm now sharing it with you.

The Lotus flower is sacred in Buddhism.  It means purity, cosmic harmony, potential, and enlightenment among other things.

But what is symbolic to me about this flower is where it comes from.  Lotus flowers grow in murky, swampy, shallow waters.  The seed emerges from the mud at the bottom of a swamp and blooms on the surface of the water.  There is the obvious symbolism that beautiful things are created from dark circumstances, and that is surely significant.  But there is another lesson in the flower.

Imagine being there.  In a swamp.  Shallow, warm, muddy.  Bugs everywhere.  A less than pleasant smell.  Hot, humid, murky as far as you can see.  And there, a Lotus flower.  Amidst the unpleasant surroundings, a beautiful flower has blossomed.  

What do we choose to focus on in our lives?  Are we so caught up in our murky circumstances that we fail to see the beautiful gift that is born from that very swamp?

Are we able to look past the swamp to appreciate the beauty of the flower? 

Without the swamp, there would be no blossom.

We all have swamps in our lives, and each swamp yields something beautiful that would not otherwise be there.  Find your Lotus blossom.  

Focus on the flower.

Remember That One Time I Got Married?

So today would have been my 5 year wedding anniversary.

It is my second May 8th since I've been separated.

It's my first May 8th since I've been officially divorced.

So weird.

And so sad.

I was sitting at lunch yesterday and over the loud speakers a song started playing. It happened to be the song Ex and I danced our first dance to at our wedding.

The Universe apparently has exquisite timing.

And I sat and listened to the song, and pondered the irony of hearing it. And it made me feel a little weird, and sort of agitated and just...bleh. You know that feeling? yeah...

I went back to work, and tried to not bawl through the next few hours. Then I went to class. I was holding it together pretty well. Until my teacher said, "You're kind of quiet today, Nikki." Talk about rude, right? I mean, who WOULDN'T cry at hearing a comment like that? (p.s. insert sarcasm)
So again with the waterworks. What is with me? Apparently having dreams, and hopes, and love, and commitment, and refining, and creating life, and memories, and experiences with someone is pretty hard to get over.

Maybe "get over" isn't the right way to say it.

Maybe "accept your current reality" is a better way to say it.

Maybe "understand that everyone has choices, and that certain decisions have put you in this place" is a better way to say it.

Maybe "life sucks sometimes, and I just want to throw a tantrum about how unfair it is" is the best way to say it.

So I had a little therapy session in class, and I cried, and I felt sorry for myself, and I felt like a failure for a minute, and I felt hopeless and alone for a minute. And then I took a deep breath. And I put my Nikki Is Strong hat back on. And I'm ok.

So today is a little bit weird. And I'm a little bit sad. And I'm a little bit heartbroken.

And I'm a little bit closer to not being heartbroken anymore.

A Big, Fat F

I know my blog has gone from semi-interesting to totally lame lately. I am going to really try to post new things more often. Not only is it more fun for all of you out there in cyberland, but it is cathartic for me.

So, with the goal to actually blog in mind, I proceed with the following story:

I was on my lunch today, enjoying some tomato bisque and some Dr. Laura in my car. I've always had a love/hate relationship with her. I agree with most of her advice, but sometimes not with the delivery so much.

Anyway, she took a call from a mid-twenties female.

The girl said, "I want to know how to get over a divorce. I've been divorced for 1 year now, and I need to know how to get over it."

Naturally, my interest peaks.

Dr. L: Well, what do you need to get over?

Girl: I don't know...I feel like I've failed.

Dr. L: Well, you have.

**silence**

Dr. L: You have failed. You are divorced.

My stomach--knots. My heartbeat--elevated. I'm feeling the perfectionist/type A personality/ control freak part of me start to take over. And that part of me does not like to be called a failure.

But I am.

I am divorced. My marriage failed. Does it matter if it was my fault? Does it matter if it was his fault? Does it matter if it was my old boyfriend doing voodoo to sabatoge my relationship so he could fly in on a magic pony and take me to a land of dreams and sparkles? I really don't think so.

When you're filling out paperwork and have to mark one of the boxes (single, married, divorced), there is not a box that says, "divorced but it was totally not my fault." Mostly because chances are it probably was your fault. At least to some extent.

So I have got to accept the fact that I have failed. No matter what the details of it are. No matter how unfair it seems. No matter how badly I want to rent a billboard or wear a t-shirt around that says, "Divorced...but only because my ex is a loser." haha. (IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE: I do not think Ex is a loser.  I'm just trying to make a point.)

The gospel adds a dimension to this, though. Answers to prayer can be very powerful, and the peace you feel when you're making the right choice is undeniable. So from that perspective, I have not failed. I have followed through with the most difficult choice of my life because of an answer to prayer. And I have had countless experiences since then that confirm that this is the path I need to be on right now.

So no matter what that looks like to anyone else--even Dr. Laura--I can stand tall knowing that, though my marriage has failed, I am not a failure.

And one day I will be in a land of dreams and sparkles.

Magic pony and all.

Cheeseburger Deluxe

My gut is protruding. I can feel it inching over my pants. Slowly. Surely.

Apparently my "lose a ton of weight while going through a divorce" phase is over.

Damn.

hahaha. I just said damn on my Have Joy blog. I'm not sure that's really allowed. Wait, I make the rules. I'm the boss. At least in Have Joy Land. And how do you even spell damn? Dam. Damb. Dammit. Damnit. Seriously. I really don't know. But I should probably stop.

So yeah. Lost a lot of weight in 2008. Hey, that rhymes. I think a big reason I lost a lot of weight was because I had recently birthed a human. Bear was only 5 months old when the "I'm filing for divorce" conversation was had. Wow. So little. So sucky. I'm divorced. Ugh.

Anyway, a lot of the weight I lost was baby weight. And a lot of the weight I lost was "i'm getting divorced and i have two kids and no job and no income and no family around and i'm devastated and scared and alone and stressed and i can't eat or sleep or really function at all" kind of weight. You know that kind, right? haha. Yeah...

Pretty sure I survived on cheeseburgers and Dr. Pepper that entire year. For every meal. Mmmm...mmmm.... salivating...

And now that life is settling down a little bit (ok, not really AT ALL compared to most of you, but really a lot compared to what 2008 was like for me), my body is starting to function normally again. Like, I get tired. I'm not sure I really got tired in 2008. Well, that's not super accurate. I'm not sure I ever wasn't tired in 2008. I was sort of a zombie, exhausted all the time, walking around with my eyes open but my brain nowhere to be found. So I never felt super tired because I never...wasn't... tired. That makes no sense. I'm leaving it.

I have so much to do. And I'm sitting here writing a dumb little paragraph about belly cheese. hahaha. And I don't mean the cellulite kind. I mean the fuzzy kind that grows in your navel. hahahaha. wow. this is getting weird. even for me. maybe i should stop.

i've been in a bit of a funk the last couple of days. not sure why. maybe i'm just smelling the belly cheese and it's making me woozy. woozie? whooooosy? haha. I have no idea.

Maybe it's because I'm sitting here chomping on pizza and chocolate milk, wishing i was watching dancing with the stars but knowing i have other stuff to do. I just felt my belly expand another centimeter.

dammnb.

Oh marriage

When I was at BYU, I studied Marriage, Family, and Human Development. The text for one of my classes was a great book called Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, by Drs Les and Leslie Parrott. I busted it out the other day, and it appears that I was a bit highlighter happy while I was reading it years ago. But there is a lot (I mean A LOT) of good stuff in it. Allow me to share.

The authors talk about different myths of marriage. They say that some people expect everything in their relationship to get better once they get married. Not so, good soldier. Not so.

They say:

• Marriage is filled with both enjoyable and tedious tradeoffs, but by far the most dramatic loss experienced in a new marriage is the idealized image you have of your partner.

• Many things improve in relationships, but some things become more difficult. Every successful marriage requires necessary losses, and in choosing to marry, you inevitably go through a mourning process.
  

• No matter whom we fall in love with, we sooner or later fall out of love if the relationship continues long enough. This does not mean that we cease loving our partner. It means that the feeling of ecstatic love that characterizes the experience of falling in love always passes.

• An attorney that handles a number of divorce cases [said] that the number one reason two people split up is that they refuse to accept the fact that they are married to a human being.

• Most of the complaints about matrimony arise not because it is worse than the rest of life, but because it is not incomparably better.

I know, right? Pretty interesting stuff to think about. Do you agree with them? Chew on it for a while.

I hate it.

So let's talk about how much I hate dropping my kids off with their dad.

Wait, let me rephrase that.

I love that my kids' dad is involved in their lives and that they love him.

And I also hate it.

But mostly I love it.

But a lot of times I hate it.

(Are you getting dizzy with my switchiness yet? And yes, switchiness is a word. Because I said so.)

Anyway, the last few weeks I have been able to spend way more time than usual with them. I've taken a few days off work each week, and just spent it with my girls which has been really fun but also makes it really a lot harder when they have to go away.

ugh.

h.a.t.e
i.t.

So. I don't have the girls this weekend. I should stay home and pay my bills. Or clean my house. Or sleep. Or get the brakes fixed in my car. Or catch up on any of the nine billion things that I am behind on.

But instead I'm going to sit here and blog.  And eat.

Happy day.

As By Fire

1 Nephi Chapter 22, verse 17*:

"The righteous need not fear...they shall be saved, even as by fire."

This is pretty much guaranteeing that if we are righteous, we will face trials--we will go through fire. That in order for us to be saved we must be refined, as by fire, through our trials.

So even (or especially) if we are doing everything right, we can expect a little heat.

Or a lot of heat.

And we can know as we are sweating, and burning, and changing, and crying, and praying, and hurting, and growing, that we are being strengthened. And purified. And tested. And saved.


*This scripture is from the Book of Mormon. To learn more, click HERE.
(Photo from Flickr)

After A While...

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and sharing a life.

And you learn that love doesn't mean possession and company doesn't mean security and loneliness is universal.

And you learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build your hope on today as the future has a way of falling apart mid-flight, because tomorrow's ground can be too uncertain for plans; yet each step taken in a new direction creates a path toward the promise of a brigher dawn.

And you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

And you learn to plant your own garden and nourish your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that true love always has joys and sorrows.

And you learn that through it all you really can endure, that you really are strong, that you really have value.

With every goodbye you learn.

-Anonymous

Q&A: When is enough enough?

That's right, people. I'm doing it again! Even in the wake of the awesomeness that was going on last week. Again, please leave your thoughts and advice if you feel so inclined. The people who send me their questions benefit from everyone's experiences, not just my own. Thanks in advance! Here goes:

I have been married for 6 years now(in the temple) and we have two great kids. while i was pregnant with our first my father in law died and my husband kind of spiraled into a downward motion. he became depressed and focused all of his time into his fathers company. when that fell through things got worse and my husband has had a big issue with pain killers. which has brought on a lot of financial issues, trust issues, and a lot of unhappiness for me while i have tried to get him help. and 2 years later its still a problem. I feel like I am ready to move on and provide my children with a better future, and i'm still not trusting my husband at all...how did you know when enough was enough?? I have prayed for answers and i know that this is all on heavenly fathers time but i don't want to give him false hope. Also, I am so afraid to break my temple covenants and deny my family of an eternal family.


Okay, there are a lot of pieces to this question that I would like to address. First of all, I can't really answer this question in the way you are probably looking for. Knowing when enough is enough is between you and the Lord. My enough will not be the same as your enough. You are really the only one that can answer that question.

So, instead of attempting to answer this, I am going to give you some thoughts I have or things to think about that might help you in your search for an answer.

1. It sounds like your husband made some bad choices during a time of stress and sadness in his life. Addictions are so dangerous because they really can take over, and they are difficult to overcome. That does not mean they cannot be overcome, though. The fact that it is still a problem two years later doesn't mean a whole lot to me. This could very well be a lifelong struggle for him. I would suggest that his behavior surrounding the addiction is more important to look at than the fact that he still struggles with it. For example, is he honest about it? Does he meet regularly with the bishop? Has he been to counseling or rehab? Does he feel godly sorrow? Is he actively trying to overcome this trial? Serious addictions will not be overcome quickly or easily, and it is possible to have a strong marriage despite a word of wisdom problem. An anonymous person commented on a post a few weeks ago about how her husband struggled for years with pornography. And though it has been a 20 year struggle, there was still love and kindness in their marriage, and she said she is so happy she stuck through it. Look at your husband's heart. Look at his goals and intentions. If these are in the right place, he absolutely can overcome this addiction...though it very well may be a lifelong struggle.


2. Like you said, breaking temple covenants is not something that should be taken lightly. Exhaust every option before you make that choice. Talk to your bishop about the thoughts you've been having, about your concerns for your marriage and your children. Make sure your relationship with Heavenly Father is where it needs to be, so that you can be in tune with the spirit. Hold regular family home evenings, attend the temple, and read your scriptures. This will not only be a strength to you, but to your husband and children as well. At a time you so desperately need the guidance and comfort of the spirit, make sure you find time to be still and listen to its quiet promptings.


3. It sounds like the trust has been damaged in your relationship. This can be so devastating to a marriage, and can take some hard work to regain. Have the two of you met with your bishop? Have you met with a therapist? I would suggest making an appointment with both.


4. What exactly have you been praying for? Do you feel you have received an answer? Maybe you are praying for the wrong things. Nikki's opinion on prayer: I find that when I pray for the Lord to tell me the answer, or to show me which path to choose, I very rarely get the clear cut answer I'm looking for. However, if I pray for guidance as I make the choice, if I weigh out the options in my mind, if I read and study about the topic, and make my own choice, and take that choice to the Lord in prayer, it is easier for me to recognize the "not a good idea" feeling or the "yes, go ahead with your plan" feeling. Perhaps try changing what you're praying for...


5. I am perplexed by you saying "I don't want to give him false hope." Why would it be false? Isn't that exactly what you should be doing right now? Giving him hope? Standing by him? Showing your faith in him? (This is assuming you answered yes to the questions I posed in point #1.) It sounds to me like you have already given up this fight. Maybe I misinterpreted what you meant by that...so if you would like to clarify, please do.


6. Lastly, if you answered no to the questions in point #1...I would spend some serious time in prayer. Speak to your bishop. Read ensign articles and conference talks on addiction and divorce. You have a tough choice ahead of you no matter what: stay in a relationship with a spouse who is not changing serious negative behavior, or leave. Neither one is pleasant. And no one can really know the implications of either one for your specific situation. Read your patriarchal blessing. Get blessings from family or friends. Now is not the time to make a quick choice. Pray, pray, pray! And whatever choice is right for you--to stay and work it out, or to face the awful reality of divorce--if you make the decision prayerfully and humbly, the Lord will not leave you to face it alone.

My heart goes out to you...

My life this past year in a picture:

Makes me wonder

Words that make me think from a song I love:

This is how it works
You're young until you're not.
You love until you don't,
You try until you can't.
You laugh until you cry,
You cry until you laugh.
And everyone must breathe,
Until their dying breath.

No, this is how it works,
You peer inside yourself,
You take the things you like,
Then try to love the things you took.
And then you take the love you made,
And stick it into some,
Someone else's heart,
Pumping someone else's blood.
And walking arm in arm,
You hope you don't get harmed.
But even if it does,
You'll just do it all again.
--On the Radio, by Regina Spektor

Oh {anger}

You must allow yourself to feel angry. And sad. And lonely. And crazy. You must experience it, or it will rear it's ugly head with so much power you might not be able to calm it down. We need to make time (yes, schedule time) to feel angry. To sit down and think about whatever situation you are angry about. And you can cry, or scream, or write, or workout, or whatever it is you do to vent those feelings in a healthy way.

And then you can move on. And you will not give up control to Anger.

I'm reminded of another quote from Happily Ever After, by Kristin Armstrong:

"It is impossible to avoid pain; you must walk through it or it will wait for you around every corner. And it is impossible to numb pain; you must experience it fully to come cleanly out the other side." -pg. 17

If you want to stop being angry, you have to allow yourself to experience the pain of what you are going through. It ain't gonna be pretty, but it will be worth it.