Expressions of love

Happy little video to start your week off right!  What are your expressions of love within your marriage?  With your kids?  With your friends? Make the effort today to do something kind for your spouse.  If you don't have a spouse, do something kind for a friend or parent or someone you love.  Make it a great week full of good things, everyone!

10 things smart husbands will say

Want your woman to be head over heels for you? Here are 10 classy lines that a smart husband will have in his back pocket at all times.  You're welcome.

1. Sweat pants are so classy these days!
2. The musk of your unwashed hair is delicious.
3. Of course you should have another serving of chocolate cake.  No one deserves it more than you.  In fact, have four more servings if you'd like.  And here's a Dr. Pepper to wash it down.
4.When you wear no makeup it really reminds me how much I love your personality.
5. Honey, that outfit looks even better today than it did yesterday!
6. Your furry legs make me feel so warm and snuggly!
7. I love when you wear your glasses and teeth whitening retainers at night, it really brings out your eyes.
8. You're tired tonight?  Let me rub your feet in a non-sexual way and then you go straight to bed.
9. I'd love to go pick up some tampons for you.  Would you like me to grab anything else?  Like a treat?  Or my dignity?
10. Of course I don't mind that you put a little ding in the car.  The fact that it's from you will be a reminder of how lucky I am to have you.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a shower not to take.

10 No No's for happy relationships

1. No name calling
2. No keeping score
3. No secrets
4. No weeks without sex
5. No going to bed at different times
6. No shutting down/storming out/stonewalling during conflict
7. No humor at your partner's expense
8. No talking badly about your partner to anyone. Except maybe your therapist. ;)
9. No intimate physical or emotional connection with anyone other than your partner.
10. No punishing your partner (withholding sex, companionship, money) for a perceived wrong.

There are millions more, but these are some very common problems I see with couples.  Are any of these no no's on your regular to do list?  Which ones can you work on to improve your relationship?

Q&A: 3 things that damage relationships

Q: What are three things you see that damage relationships?

A: Great question!  I will give you three common problems I see with my clients who come in for marital/family counseling that really get in the way of their happiness.  Here we go.

1. Selfishness -- So common.  So easy to see in others, so hard to see in ourselves.  People who are focused on what they "should" be getting, or are caught up in how they feel, what they think, and what they want tend to be unhappy in relationships.  They are a bottomless pit looking to get filled by others, and that is not the way relationships work.  Choose to hear your partner's (or child's or mother's) opinion, choose to think about what he/she might be needing, and be open to the idea that there is more than one right way to do things.  Your way is not the only way, and your needs and feelings are not the only important needs and feelings in the relationship.  Look outside of yourself.

2. Anger -- this is a bit tricky, because underneath anger is usually a softer emotion, like fear, or insecurity, or pain.  But I want to focus on the anger part.  When you let anger control your responses, you create distance in your relationships.  BE IN CONTROL OF YOUR ACTIONS.  You may not be able to control feeling angry, but you absolutely can control how you respond with that anger.  DO NOT call names, swear, intentionally hurt, use mean sarcasm, or become physical in any way.  This is not productive, and it is damaging to individuals and relationships.

3. Holding on to hurts -- I struggled with how to articulate this one.  Part of me wanted to say "not letting things go (cue ridiculously overplayed Disney song)." But I think holding on to hurts is the best description.  We will all be hurt in relationships, because we are in relationships with humans, who make mistakes.  Whether in our marriage, or with our children, or with a sibling, we will have times where our feelings are intentionally and unintentionally hurt.  It can be difficult to let those things go.  Even if the offender apologizes and makes amends, we tend to hold on to the hurt feelings.    If you want to be happy in relationships, you will learn the skill of forgiving.  You will be able to accept apologies, remind yourself that this person loves you.  There are thousands of ways we hurt each other unintentionally.  Your husband forgets to bring home the dry cleaning, your wife forgets it was your big meeting at work, and on and on.  Talk about it, accept apologies, and move on.
Important side note: I am mostly talking about unintentional hurts, and the occasional purposeful one.  However, if you are in a relationship with someone who intentionally hurts you, over and over, without acknowledging the need to change, you need to consider setting some appropriate boundaries with that person.  I am not advocating allowing yourself to be abused or taken advantage of when I'm talking about letting go of hurts.  This is an entirely different topic altogether that I'm not going to get into right now.  Just keep that in mind.

What would your spouse/children/siblings say if you asked them whether you did any of these things?  We all do these to some degree or another.  Pick one to work on this week!  Good luck friends.  Happier relationships are waiting!

Laptops and Life Lessons

Let me tell you a story:
I had an old Macbook.

Like OLD.

Like I got it in 2009. And it was already refurbished.

It was older than my grandpa's dance moves. You getting the picture?

Anyway, it stopped holding a charge. I bought a new battery and it still wouldn't hold a charge. So for a long time (like a year at least) I just had to have it plugged in all the time. And if one of my kids tripped on the cord and pulled it out then my laptop would shut down. Not cool.

Then one day it wouldn't turn on even when it was plugged in. I was so bummed! I could buy another battery, but I had already done that and it hadn't been successful. So we decided it was time to get me a new laptop.

My new MacBook arrived. I was stoked. Fully charged, not plugged in, I happily used it everywhere I couldn't use my old laptop (i.e.: the bathtub).

Finally the battery ran out on my beautiful new MacBook. It was my bedtime, so I quickly plugged the laptop in and slipped into dreamland. The next morning I opened my new beauty to find it completely NOT CHARGED. What? Hadn't I plugged it in all the way? I wiggled the cord around, and nothing.

That's when it hit me.

My old computer hadn't been broken.

My charger had been broken!!!!!!!

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

I died.

Could not stop laughing. We had purchased a new laptop when really all we needed was a new charger!! Because of what I knew about my laptop (that it was old and crummy) I hadn't looked at all the possibilities and had missed what was really going on. As a result, I spent way more money than I needed to. Oops.

It got me thinking, how many times in life do we do this? How often are we so focused on what we think is going on, or on our own limited viewpoint, that we fail to see what is really happening? We make assumptions all the time based on what we think we know. We do it with our spouses, we do it with our kids, we do it with our neighbors, friends, and siblings. And it limits us. It limits our ability to fully connect with people, and to see the big picture.

Moral of the story: Don't make assumptions! Especially in relationships. Or when it comes to MacBooks. Because sometimes, no matter how sure you are, it's not the laptop that's the problem.

Tender Moments

I was able to go to Time Out for Women a few weekends ago, and it was wonderful.  I felt uplifted and encouraged and inspired.  I was able to watch my amazing sister Calee Reed perform, and I couldn't help but think about how happy our mom must be to know that Calee is passing on the legacy of music.  Calee is so talented and I bawled the whole time she was on stage.  She is living her dream!!  It is so beautiful to watch and I am so proud of her!

I also saw Mercy River perform, and was especially touched by a song they did called "Walk You Through the Night."  It's a song about motherhood, and about how although as mothers we do not have all the answers, we can walk our children through dark times and love them perfectly.  I thought not only of my own children but also of my mother.  It has been almost four years since she passed away.  Although my mom was not perfect, she was the perfect mother for me.

I spent the next few days thinking about that song, and thinking about how I could overcome my own insecurities and shortcomings as a mother.  I bought the Mercy River album (duh) and was listening to that song when my 2 year old came into the kitchen with me.  She grabbed my legs and we started to dance.  My heart about exploded with love for this tiny human that is a piece of myself.  I bent down and picked her up in a cradle-style hold and began to rock her back and forth to the song.  My eyes welled with tears as I was filled with gratitude for the opportunity to be her mother.  She looked up at me with her big brown eyes and said,

"Mom?"

I looked down at her sweet face as she continued,

"PUT ME DOWN!!!!"

Moment ruined.  

RUINED.

I put her sassy face back down and she ran out of the kitchen to play.  And that about sums up my experience of motherhood.  Tiny, fleeting moments of tenderness interrupted by crazy, frustrating, not tender at all real life.  And I'm so incredibly thankful for every single part of it.

Not now, Son

 

Ran across this comic the other day, and I think it's profound.  How many of us are guilty of this?  I know I am.  It is so easy to let the not-so-important-in-the-long-run things take precedence over what really matters.  How will you make a little extra time for what's important today?

Laughs in Your Face

Sometimes when you think you're finally past the hardest of it, life laughs in your face.

You guys.  LIFE LAUGHS IN YOUR FACE.

Life's all like, "hahahaha!  You thought I was done with you?  When are you going to learn?  I'm taking away your Dr. Pepper next."

And we're all like, "Whoa, whoa, Life.  Chill out.  Just give me a minute to breathe."

And Life's all like, "You're an idiot."

And then we cry. And then we read posts like this and laugh.  And maybe cry some more.

Sometimes life is kind of heavy. 

And that's ok.  We are building emotional muscles.  I'm pretty much an emotional bodybuilder at this point. 

But sometimes I wish I wasn't.

You're Gonna Miss This

I've been trying to live in the moment this week, and this song has been playing through my head every day.  Thought I'd share it with you.

The Days are Long...

 

Enjoy the days, I hear they are gone before we know it...

Focus on the Flower

 

When I was in grad school one of my professors told us about the Lotus flower.  I have reflected on the symbolism of this flower many times, so I'm now sharing it with you.

The Lotus flower is sacred in Buddhism.  It means purity, cosmic harmony, potential, and enlightenment among other things.

But what is symbolic to me about this flower is where it comes from.  Lotus flowers grow in murky, swampy, shallow waters.  The seed emerges from the mud at the bottom of a swamp and blooms on the surface of the water.  There is the obvious symbolism that beautiful things are created from dark circumstances, and that is surely significant.  But there is another lesson in the flower.

Imagine being there.  In a swamp.  Shallow, warm, muddy.  Bugs everywhere.  A less than pleasant smell.  Hot, humid, murky as far as you can see.  And there, a Lotus flower.  Amidst the unpleasant surroundings, a beautiful flower has blossomed.  

What do we choose to focus on in our lives?  Are we so caught up in our murky circumstances that we fail to see the beautiful gift that is born from that very swamp?

Are we able to look past the swamp to appreciate the beauty of the flower? 

Without the swamp, there would be no blossom.

We all have swamps in our lives, and each swamp yields something beautiful that would not otherwise be there.  Find your Lotus blossom.  

Focus on the flower.

Yup

 

Love this.  We must take risks in order to reach our highest potential and highest happiness.

Creation

Here's to creating some happiness today...
(From Post Secret)

Q&A: Sleep Vs. Sex

Q: Do you prefer a great night's sleep to great sex?

A: According to a global study done by Westin Hotels (released Aug 17, 2009), 51% of respondents prefer good sleep to good sex.

I say, THAT DOES NOT SURPRISE ME AT ALL WHY IS THIS STUDY GETTING AIR TIME ON THE NEWS I SWEAR YOU CAN GET GREAT SEX WAY EASIER THAN YOU CAN GET SOME DECENT SHUT EYE ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN AND/OR A JOB AND/OR A LIFE AND/OR ARE BREATHING.

Other little discoveries from this study you may find interesting:

• 51% of travelers in the US prefer a great night's sleep to great sex, compared with just 31% who chose sleep over sex 10 years ago. Apparently we're getting more and more tired as time goes on.
• The men were more likely than women to prefer SLEEP to SEX. Weird, eh? In this study, the women actually preferred sex to sleep more often than the boys. Interesting.
• In nine out of 10 countries surveyed, snoozing beat sex. Only the Canadians chose seduction over sleep. Horny b-sturds. (Literally pronounced "bee-sturds")

Click HERE to read the full report.

So, sex or sleep?

Q&A: Stuffing Emotions

Q: Why do we learn, as a culture/society/nation, to stuff our emotions instead of honoring them? Why is it considered impolite to be true to what we are feeling?

For example, when we have an appointment with someone and they are 20 minutes late, and they finally come in and say, "I'm so sorry I'm late," and even though we're really annoyed, we say, "Oh, it's ok." Just like that. Stuff.

Or when the kid you invited over for a play date slugs your kid in the face, and the mom says (unconvincingly), "no, no, Jr.," without really disciplining her kid, even though your kid is bleeding all over, and we just silently clean up the mess and quietly promise ourselves to never invite Jr. over for another playdate. Just like that. Stuff.

Or when someone at work or church drops the ball and doesn't do an assignment, and their work falls on your shoulders, and we mumble and grumble and pick up their slack, but never confront them about it. Just like that. Stuff.

Or when you're having a terrible day, and you feel like any second you might burst into tears or kick someone in the teeth, and when you pass your friend at the mall and she says, "Hi! How are you?" With her perfect little hair, and her perfect little outfit, and her perfectly well behaved little Baby Gap models instead of children, and we just smile and say, "Oh I'm just great." Even though we are really on the verge of a breakdown. Just like that. Stuff.

I understand that there is a fine line between honoring your feelings and being flat out rude. I am not suggesting that you ignore everyone else's feelings so you can justify being a jerk. But I just don't see what is so wrong with saying,

"I am really frusterated that you are 20 minutes late! I have another appointment to be at, and now I am not going to make it."

or

"I am upset that Jr. slugged my kid in the nose. Can we talk about it for a minute?"

or

"Hi Perfect Lady Friend. I am actually not doing so hot at the moment. I'm pretty tired, and my kids are crabby, and none of my clothes fit, and I just got into a fight with my husband about his incessant need to spend money on dumb things like air fresheners and beef jerky. Sorry to lay all that on you. But thanks for asking."

I know that we can't spill our life stories to everyone on the street. And that many times it's just way more convenient to put on the happy face. But I also know that making it a habit of stuffing your feelings is a dangerous game to play. Pretty soon, in my opinion, you'll stop recognizing your feelings, and just find yourself being really irritated at your friend, but you can't figure out why. Oh yeah! Two months ago she ditched me and went to the movies with another friend of ours without inviting me. That really hurt my feelings, but I never told her because it would be awkward, so now it just sits inside me and festers.

I think we don't honor our true, in the moment feelings because it seems easier not to. It is uncomfortable to tell someone you are upset with them. It is anxiety provoking to tell Jr's mom that her son hits all the children so much that no one wants to play with him anymore. But guess what? If I'm Jr's mom, I for sure want to know if my kid is doing something inappropriate. And I also want to know if I could have handled it differently. And if I disagree, then I disagree. But disagreeing doesn't mean it has to be a fight, or a ruined relationship.

I don't know. I have a billion thoughts about this right now and I'm just rambling. What are your thoughts? Better to keep it to yourself so you don't hurt someone's feelings? Better to say what you think? Why are we raised to stuff our emotions? Leave me your thoughts.

Ode to Dr. Pepper (PART 2)

Thank you to Emily who showed me this amazing video. I need to marry this man.