Q&A: 3 things that damage relationships

Q: What are three things you see that damage relationships?

A: Great question!  I will give you three common problems I see with my clients who come in for marital/family counseling that really get in the way of their happiness.  Here we go.

1. Selfishness -- So common.  So easy to see in others, so hard to see in ourselves.  People who are focused on what they "should" be getting, or are caught up in how they feel, what they think, and what they want tend to be unhappy in relationships.  They are a bottomless pit looking to get filled by others, and that is not the way relationships work.  Choose to hear your partner's (or child's or mother's) opinion, choose to think about what he/she might be needing, and be open to the idea that there is more than one right way to do things.  Your way is not the only way, and your needs and feelings are not the only important needs and feelings in the relationship.  Look outside of yourself.

2. Anger -- this is a bit tricky, because underneath anger is usually a softer emotion, like fear, or insecurity, or pain.  But I want to focus on the anger part.  When you let anger control your responses, you create distance in your relationships.  BE IN CONTROL OF YOUR ACTIONS.  You may not be able to control feeling angry, but you absolutely can control how you respond with that anger.  DO NOT call names, swear, intentionally hurt, use mean sarcasm, or become physical in any way.  This is not productive, and it is damaging to individuals and relationships.

3. Holding on to hurts -- I struggled with how to articulate this one.  Part of me wanted to say "not letting things go (cue ridiculously overplayed Disney song)." But I think holding on to hurts is the best description.  We will all be hurt in relationships, because we are in relationships with humans, who make mistakes.  Whether in our marriage, or with our children, or with a sibling, we will have times where our feelings are intentionally and unintentionally hurt.  It can be difficult to let those things go.  Even if the offender apologizes and makes amends, we tend to hold on to the hurt feelings.    If you want to be happy in relationships, you will learn the skill of forgiving.  You will be able to accept apologies, remind yourself that this person loves you.  There are thousands of ways we hurt each other unintentionally.  Your husband forgets to bring home the dry cleaning, your wife forgets it was your big meeting at work, and on and on.  Talk about it, accept apologies, and move on.
Important side note: I am mostly talking about unintentional hurts, and the occasional purposeful one.  However, if you are in a relationship with someone who intentionally hurts you, over and over, without acknowledging the need to change, you need to consider setting some appropriate boundaries with that person.  I am not advocating allowing yourself to be abused or taken advantage of when I'm talking about letting go of hurts.  This is an entirely different topic altogether that I'm not going to get into right now.  Just keep that in mind.

What would your spouse/children/siblings say if you asked them whether you did any of these things?  We all do these to some degree or another.  Pick one to work on this week!  Good luck friends.  Happier relationships are waiting!

Q&A: I feel so alone

I got this email from a reader a few weeks ago, and thought there might be others out there struggling in similar ways.  It is posted here with her permission.

Hello Tuesday

I am setting a goal to start blogging more regularly.  I know, I know, you've heard it before.  I am going to start up my weekly Q&A sessions.  So here is the low down:

• Send in any and all questions.  Could be about relationships, parenting, religion, anything that tickles your fancy really.
• Every Thursday I will pick one question to post and answer, and all the readers can pipe in and give their thoughts and advice as well.
• Note: this is not me doing therapy over the internet, this is not taking the place of seeking professional help if it is warranted.  If you are in crisis and having an emergency please dial 911 or contact your local authorities.

So that's that.  Maybe there's not as much demand for this now, but we will see!

In other news, it's October!  I love this month!  The weather getting chillier, the yummy smells, the pumpkin and apple and cinnamon, the excitement of the approaching holidays, I just love everything about this season.  

Except finding costumes for my kids.  Last year I decided I was going to make their costumes because I didn't want to spend the money buying them.  It should be noted that I use the word "make" oh so loosely.  I do not consider myself a crafty person at all, so "making" a Halloween costume was quite the stretch for me.  Turns out that making the costumes was a brilliant decision - not only did I spend hours and hours "making" their (not cute) costumes, I probably ended up spending more money than I would have had I just bought the costumes in the first place.  Here's a really poor quality picture as proof:

The girls were happy, so that's all that really matters.  But I will not be pretending to make any costumes again anytime in the near future.

So this year, Walmart came to the rescue.  Yes, our costumes have already been purchased.  I accidentally bought them early, which absolutely goes against my do-everything-at-the-last-minute rule.  What is happening to me?  Buying Halloween costumes a month early?  I need to reevaluate my life.  Next thing you know I'll be planning meals and getting enough sleep.

Q&A: No Sexy Please

I got this email from an anonymous email account last week, and thought it would make a great Q&A. **Warning: This post contains sexual content. Read at your own risk.**

Q: So my sex drive is pretty much not great. I am just tired at the end of the day & nothing sounds better than sleep when I crawl into bed. But my husband wants more than sleep, he wants action. When I'm not in the mood, often he gets really irritated & thinks I'm not attracted to him & this attitude lasts until we "do it" (usually a couple days).
I know that as soon as we get intimate, he'll shake it off & be cool with me again. But it is hard to want to get intimate with him when he's mad at me, ya know? It's a horrible cycle. But one we always fall into. It makes me want to just say "fine, lets do it" even when I have no desire, but I HATE doing it when I don't really want to & he doesn't want that either. So do you have any tips that will help me have more of a desire to do the deed? Please help me here. When he's "satisfied" (that sounds sleazy) he's a better husband and dad. But, I just don't feel like satisfying him as often as he'd like. What to do, what to do?
Am I the only person who doesn't want sex multiple times per week? I hope I'm not alone, but it sure feels like I am.


A: First of all, thank you so much for this question. I really think that a lot of women struggle with this, especially women with young children at home. Here are my thoughts in bullet points:

• By some cruel trick, men and women are created differently. Not only in our need for sex, but in what sex means to us. Women want to feel close and emotionally connected BEFORE getting down. Men, on the other hand, feel close and emotionally connected AFTER doing the deed. Therefore, the less sex you have, the less close your husband will feel to you. That's just the way it is. You mentioned that he is a better husband and father when he is satisfied, and that is because he's feeling emotionally connected to you, which makes him more inclined to help out. So, the way you feel when your hubby does the dishes for you, is similar to how he feels when you make love to him. Maybe that will help you want to do the deed more often if you look at it that way.
• There is a physical component to it, in that men have a build up of semen that continues to build until they can release it. It actually becomes physically uncomfortable if he can't release that on a regular basis. So more than him just being needy and selfish and wanting sex, he actually has a physical need...and if you're in a committed, religious relationship, then you're the only one who can fill that need.
• Can I ask you a personal question? Are you able to have an orgasm? How often? If you are not physically satisfied during sex, that will definitely make you not want to do it as often.
• Wow I have so much to say about this! I have to pick and choose so this doesn't get waaaay too long...
• Is there another time of day (besides super late when you're completely exhausted) that you could have a little mmm mmmm with your hubby? I am a huge fan of scheduling sex. That's right. SCHEDULE it. Sounds really unromantic, but it can actually be really fun. Say Wednesday night at 8:00 (older kids are at mutual, younger kids are in bed). All day you know it's Sex Day...maybe you shave your legs in the shower. Maybe hubby sends you a sweet note or brings home dinner or something. You end up anticipating it during the day, and it could be really fun. That might not work for everyone, but it's worth a shot.
• Have you ever talked to your husband about what his ideal number of times per week is? What is yours? If you sit down and talk about it, maybe you can come up with a compromise schedule, so that he doesn't feel like he has to beg to get his needs met, and you don't feel like he'll be pestering you every night, ya know? Just a thought.

Ok, I'm going to stop now. I have so much more to say.

Leave your thoughts to this anonymous reader about her predicament. And reader, was any of what I wrote helpful to you?

Q&A: Stay At Home Mom

I had a reader submit a really good question this week--one that I think many of you out there might relate to. Thank you so much to the reader who put herself out there to send me this question...

Q: Is it normal to just not want to be a mom sometimes? I am a stay at home mother and sometimes I just want to quit and go away. It is not that I don't love my children but I get overwhelmed sometimes. I read your post and want to feel the same way about my kids but I don't. I love the fact that 3 of them go to school all day. Is it bad to feel this way. Growing up I always thought that I would go to work and that my husband would stay home with the kids. Obviously it is not that way and it is very hard sometimes.

A: Dear Reader,
I think that your feelings of being overwhelmed, and just wanting to quit are more common than you might think. Being a stay at home mom is HARD! Being a stay at home mom is a long, often times thankless, non-mentally stimulating job. Going back to work was hard, too, but I would definitely say that it was harder to stay home. It took way more self-motivation, I had to find sources of self-esteem elsewhere, and definitely had to take care of myself. The number one thing I would suggest to help you feel less overwhelmed? MAKE TIME TO BE AN ADULT. Make yourself go out with friends every once in a while. Make yourself get dressed at least a couple times a week (haha, serious). Find something that you can do that will be beneficial for your self esteem--like take a class at a local college, exercise, go get a massage once a month, or something like that. It is so easy to wear our scrubby mom clothes and eat nothing but PB&J and macaroni and cheese for weeks at a time. And this gets old. Fast.

Hang in there!! Find other moms to vent to. Pray to be more patient and/or loving and/or whatever with your kids. And know that I think EVERY mom goes through ups and downs, and every mom is relieved some days when her kids finally leave for school, and every mom has times when she thinks WHY IN THE WORLD AM I DOING THIS?!?! It sounds like your expectation wasn't to be home with the kids in the first place, so you have an added layer of adjusting to do with that as well. Is there a part time job you could get one or two days a week while your kids are in school? Maybe that would help.

Mostly I just want you to know that you're not alone. And if you ever feel like you are, and you're having a "being a stay at home mom sucks" kind of day, you can always shoot me an email.

Please leave a comment if you have felt similar to this reader. We could all use some support around the incredibly difficult and incredibly important job of raising our kids...no matter what that looks like for us.

Q&A: Love Story

Q: What is your marriage/engagement story? How long did you date before you got engaged? How long were you engaged before you got married? Was this your first marriage, or had you done it before? I always like hearing people's love stories. Oh, and here's the kicker: Now that you are married, would you have done anything differently? Are you happily married? Are there things you wish you had done/known/asked while you were dating?

Let's hear it, people...

Q&A: Where Do You Bump?

Q: Every married couple will clash over certain topics. Well, every married couple that is made up of two separate people with their own brains, and their own experiences, and their own expectations, anyway.  What do you and your spouse argue about? Maybe argue isn't the right word...maybe "areas you both have to compromise" is a better way to say it. No marriage is compromise-free. What are your rough topics?

A: It's all in your hands, readers. :)

P.S. I'll be hosting another live chat tonight for anyone that is interested. 9 PM, PST. I'll be here.

Q&A: Sleep Vs. Sex

Q: Do you prefer a great night's sleep to great sex?

A: According to a global study done by Westin Hotels (released Aug 17, 2009), 51% of respondents prefer good sleep to good sex.

I say, THAT DOES NOT SURPRISE ME AT ALL WHY IS THIS STUDY GETTING AIR TIME ON THE NEWS I SWEAR YOU CAN GET GREAT SEX WAY EASIER THAN YOU CAN GET SOME DECENT SHUT EYE ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN AND/OR A JOB AND/OR A LIFE AND/OR ARE BREATHING.

Other little discoveries from this study you may find interesting:

• 51% of travelers in the US prefer a great night's sleep to great sex, compared with just 31% who chose sleep over sex 10 years ago. Apparently we're getting more and more tired as time goes on.
• The men were more likely than women to prefer SLEEP to SEX. Weird, eh? In this study, the women actually preferred sex to sleep more often than the boys. Interesting.
• In nine out of 10 countries surveyed, snoozing beat sex. Only the Canadians chose seduction over sleep. Horny b-sturds. (Literally pronounced "bee-sturds")

Click HERE to read the full report.

So, sex or sleep?

Q&A: Stuffing Emotions

Q: Why do we learn, as a culture/society/nation, to stuff our emotions instead of honoring them? Why is it considered impolite to be true to what we are feeling?

For example, when we have an appointment with someone and they are 20 minutes late, and they finally come in and say, "I'm so sorry I'm late," and even though we're really annoyed, we say, "Oh, it's ok." Just like that. Stuff.

Or when the kid you invited over for a play date slugs your kid in the face, and the mom says (unconvincingly), "no, no, Jr.," without really disciplining her kid, even though your kid is bleeding all over, and we just silently clean up the mess and quietly promise ourselves to never invite Jr. over for another playdate. Just like that. Stuff.

Or when someone at work or church drops the ball and doesn't do an assignment, and their work falls on your shoulders, and we mumble and grumble and pick up their slack, but never confront them about it. Just like that. Stuff.

Or when you're having a terrible day, and you feel like any second you might burst into tears or kick someone in the teeth, and when you pass your friend at the mall and she says, "Hi! How are you?" With her perfect little hair, and her perfect little outfit, and her perfectly well behaved little Baby Gap models instead of children, and we just smile and say, "Oh I'm just great." Even though we are really on the verge of a breakdown. Just like that. Stuff.

I understand that there is a fine line between honoring your feelings and being flat out rude. I am not suggesting that you ignore everyone else's feelings so you can justify being a jerk. But I just don't see what is so wrong with saying,

"I am really frusterated that you are 20 minutes late! I have another appointment to be at, and now I am not going to make it."

or

"I am upset that Jr. slugged my kid in the nose. Can we talk about it for a minute?"

or

"Hi Perfect Lady Friend. I am actually not doing so hot at the moment. I'm pretty tired, and my kids are crabby, and none of my clothes fit, and I just got into a fight with my husband about his incessant need to spend money on dumb things like air fresheners and beef jerky. Sorry to lay all that on you. But thanks for asking."

I know that we can't spill our life stories to everyone on the street. And that many times it's just way more convenient to put on the happy face. But I also know that making it a habit of stuffing your feelings is a dangerous game to play. Pretty soon, in my opinion, you'll stop recognizing your feelings, and just find yourself being really irritated at your friend, but you can't figure out why. Oh yeah! Two months ago she ditched me and went to the movies with another friend of ours without inviting me. That really hurt my feelings, but I never told her because it would be awkward, so now it just sits inside me and festers.

I think we don't honor our true, in the moment feelings because it seems easier not to. It is uncomfortable to tell someone you are upset with them. It is anxiety provoking to tell Jr's mom that her son hits all the children so much that no one wants to play with him anymore. But guess what? If I'm Jr's mom, I for sure want to know if my kid is doing something inappropriate. And I also want to know if I could have handled it differently. And if I disagree, then I disagree. But disagreeing doesn't mean it has to be a fight, or a ruined relationship.

I don't know. I have a billion thoughts about this right now and I'm just rambling. What are your thoughts? Better to keep it to yourself so you don't hurt someone's feelings? Better to say what you think? Why are we raised to stuff our emotions? Leave me your thoughts.

Q&A: Get Involved?

I got a great question from a friend of mine a few weeks ago that I have been wanting to use. I have pretty strong feelings about this, but I'm interested in other opinions. If you have one, please share!

**P.S. Writer of this question: I do plan on responding to your email sometime in the next century. I've been waiting until I had a substantial amount of time to respond, and apparently that has not occurred yet. I'm really sorry. I will be getting back to you, though. :)

Here goes...

Q: I have a friend whose husband does a lot of things that she doesn't know about and I am sure that if she knew, there would be big problems. Should I get involved and tell my friend or should I stay out of it completely?

A: First off, this makes me sick to my stomach. Completely, absolutely sick inside. Ugh.

Okay, now that I got that part out, I'll move on to the answer.
This is such a huge dilemma between look the other way or talk to your friend. Both come with some guilt...one for not getting involved, the other for not minding your own business. There are a lot of things to consider with this one...

First of all you need to take into account that your relationship with your friend might possibly change. What if you talk to her and she doesn't want to hear it? That could possibly make things weird for the two of you.

I know a lot of people would say "it's none of my business," or "I need to just stay out of it." And that is true to a certain degree.

However...

I also believe that we have a certain responsibility to each other, especially as friends, to look out for each other, to give advice, to cry with each other, and also to tell our friends the hard things every once in a while that they need to hear. Like "Hey Suzy Q, it hurts my feelings when you constantly interrupt me. I just wanted you to know." Maybe Suzy Q never realized she did that, but because of a good friend she can make changes.

So what am I trying to say... umm...

I'm trying to say that I would tell her. I would maybe meet her for dessert at Ruth's Chris Steak House to have a little heart to heart (wink wink inside joke :). Or maybe I would write her a letter. And I would say to her, "do with this what you want. Once I tell you, it's out of my hands. But I care about you, and I think there are some things you need to know." This will likely not be the most pleasant conversation. But I really really really really think it would be the right choice. At least for me. I don't know. Pray about it first. See if you can get some guidance that way.

But can you imagine being in her shoes? Can you imagine your husband doing things you didn't know about, things that would devastate you, things that everyone around you knew about, but you didn't know? Can you imagine how that would feel? Would you want to know?

I sure would.

Which is why I would end up talking to her. Because I know that if I was in her position, I would really appreciate having a friend like that.

I'm sure there are people out there who disagree with me. I'd love to hear your thoughts... (though can we keep it at least cordial? I know you can do it!)

Return of Q&A

At least for now. :)

I started getting a lot of really good questions, and then I promptly defaulted on the Q&A the last couple of weeks. Sorry.

I think that's my little way of revolting. I am a rule follower. Like to the point of detriment. Example: If the brownie box says to bake for 18-22 minutes, I put them in for exactly 20 so I can make sure I'm right in the middle. And if there are 20 seconds left on the timer, I will sit there and wait for the 20 seconds to be up and the timer to go off before I open the oven to check them.

Ridiculous. I know this.

Anyway, why am I talking about rules? Oh, because of my self imposed "Q&A Every Thursday" rule. The rule that I've been breaking.

I feel like such a rebel.

Anyway, at least for today, I'm back with the Q&A.

And with rhyming, apparently.

So, my closely related single friend sent this question to me. And I thought it was a good one. Except not a good one for me to answer. Because my name is Cynical Cindy these days. So I'm mostly putting this one out there for all of you. Here goes:

It seems like a lot of my friends are in this boat right now, and it might be interesting.

With all of the heartache and sadness that I seem to hear from all of my married friends, it makes me wonder if anyone is really as happily married as they thought they would be when they were dating/engaged. It also has me completely on my toes with dating – every little issue that comes up is automatically a red flag, and I find myself saying that it’s probably just the tip of the iceberg and will get way worse once we get married.

So I’ve been wondering a lot lately which is the right answer – do I hold out for someone and a relationship that is all happy-go-lucky and never has any issues, because there will surely be issues later? Or is that naïve? Maybe it’s best for me to suck it up, and realize no relationship is perfect, and our issues are normal? I feel like everyone that I say that to looks at me like I’m crazy though. I get the big DON’T DO IT talk from my family/friends because they see my relationship has problems.

I want to say that we are just much more aware of our problems than most dating couples, but will I kick myself years later for justifying those things? I’m not sure.

A: Like I said, I'm not sure I'm really the best person to answer this question. However, I can say that for me, I was happy in my marriage. At least at first. And those of you who know the full story know the details of that. But I have thought this myself lately. Are there really any truly HAPPY MARRIAGES? Are people really, genuinely happy 5, 10, 25 years later? I am jaded from my own experiences, and also from being in the therapy world, where I see couple after couple in dysfunction.

Do I believe it's possible to be happily married? Absolutely.

Do I think many achieve that? Eh.... (insert nonchalant shoulder shrug)

As for the red flags thing... PAY ATTENTION TO THOSE. But there is not going to really be any way to know for sure. The only way you can know is through the spirit. You might date someone for 2 weeks and get married and live happily ever after, or you might date someone for 10 years, and the second you get married things change and you're unhappy. There is just no guarantee. Which is why it's so terrifying.

And also why I plan on being an old, single Bag Lady. Alone, safe, and plenty of luggage.

And I would also suggest this (here come some therapy words for you): In looking at red flags, make sure you are looking at the PROCESS of your relationship. Instead of saying "we fight over whether to go out or stay home" say "how do we resolve those conflicts? Do we communicate well? Does he listen to me? Are we quick to admit when we're wrong?"

Because in a marriage, you cannot avoid the fact that you will have disagreements. And what the disagreement is about is pretty much not important. What is important is how you guys handle the disagreement. If you respect each other. If you are both willing to compromise. Pay attention to those kinds of things.

Everyone out there, please put in your 2 cents. I would love to hear from some of you who have happy marriages. GIVE US HOPE!! haha. Cynical Cindy is pretty powerful.

Okay, I've got to go organize my bags.

Q&A: Temper Tantrums

Q: My four year old has been exercising her independence lately, and that means TANTRUMS! I mean, uncontrollable, yelling, screaming, crying tantrums. I am at a loss. Any advice?

A: Well, first of all let me emphasize that you are not alone!! Tantrums are just a part of childhood. It's hard when you're little to not get your own way. Think about it...someone else tells you where you go, what you do, what time you have to go to bed, what you can or can't eat, and on and on. That's got to be insanely frustrating! I do have a few tips, however, to at least minimize the intensity of the tantrums (hopefully):

1. Don't give in to them!! If your kid throws a fit, and that ends in getting what she wants, she will keep throwing fits. Bottom line. Stick to your guns. This means not giving rules about things that don't matter, or things that are not worth sticking to your guns about.
Example:
mom: no you can't wear purple socks today
child: why not? I love my purple socks!
mom: because they don't match
child: I don't care! They are comfy!!
mom: no. get your white socks.

child proceeds to scream and kick and throw a tantrum.
mom decides purple socks are not worth it and gives in.
child learns that throwing tantrums=getting what she wants.

This situation could have been avoided if mom had not made a rule about purple socks, unless it was really important. But I'd venture to say that if it were really important, mom wouldn't have budged in light of a little tantrum. (Please mom can I run in the busy street? Please?!?! WAAAAHHOHHHHHH!! Okay, thanks mom!! Get it?)

2. Be consistent. If you give in to 1 in every 3 tantrums, your child will keep throwing them. The end.

3. Set expectations. Tell your kids: We are going in the grocery store now. We are not going to get a treat at the check out line. But if you obey mom, we'll have a popsicle when we get home, ok? This way when you're in line and your kid starts to whine for some candy, you can remind them about the deal you made. "Remember in the car when I said we're not getting a treat today? We're almost done and we can go home and have a popsicle."

(side note: as I was writing that I accidentally left the "r" out of the word "treat." hahaha. Remember that we're not getting a teat today?? hahahahaha.)

4. Validate your kid's emotions. Say, "I know you're frustrated that you can't have a sucker right now, that must be frustrating. I'm sorry. But I don't want you to get a tummy ache. Let's eat dinner really quickly so you can have a sucker, ok?" This doesn't always work, but you would be surprised at how much just acknowledging your kid's feelings can diffuse a situation. Sometimes they just need to be heard.

5. Understand that kids are kids. And they will throw tantrums. And there's no magic formula, or perfect parenting technique that will completely eliminate tantrums from your life. Let's face it, as adults we still throw tantrums! haha.

6. Oh, and my final piece of advice about how to avoid tantrums? DO THIS:

Q&A: Who Do You Talk To?

I decided to post this question that I got months ago...I found it as I was going through some old emails, and thought it could be useful.

Q: What I'm curious about is who did you talk to? When going through all the crazy mixed up feelings at home, and then putting on a happy face for people, it gets frustrating that I don't know who to talk to. I'm not necessarily wanting a divorce from my husband, but we definitely have some problems. All my friends are super happy and blissful in their marriages it seems like. Also, I don't necessarily want to be husband-bashing. I don't want my friends or my family to know how unhappy I am at times. I've considered counseling, but right now I can't exactly afford it.

A: I think this is a really good question. First of all, I think EVERYONE WHO IS MARRIED probably feels like this at some point. Marriage is (unfortunately) between two humans. Which means there will be times when human tendencies come out, and those times can leave us feeling frustrated and like we want to vent. I agree that husband-bashing is not a good idea, but that sometimes we feel like talking to someone. For me, I definitely talked to a therapist. However, if that isn't an option, maybe an ecclesiastical leader (like a bishop). But I think that would be more for serious things, not just everyday husband annoyances. (Or wife annoyances...even though we all know that wives are perfect. haha. Sorry if that comment offended my one male reader. I'll do a woman bashing post sometime to make up for it).

So, since family and friends are off limits (thanks to the rules of No Husband Bashing) and if a therapist and/or a church leader are not options, I would say make friends with a journal. My journal has been a life saver for me. Venting, crying, anger, fear, insecurities, frustrations...write it all down. Writing is very cleansing, very cathartic. Well, it is for me. You're all shocked, I know. But writing in a journal is a great way to vent and let off steam without breaking the confidences of your marriage. It's also a great way to put things in perspective. You can write it all down, and go back the next day and re-read it..and lots of times the things you were frustrated about don't seem so bad. My journal was my saving grace through some very dark times, and it still is.

Only now I call my journal "Have Joy."

:)

Q&A: Blind Date

Q: I go on a lot of blind dates, and they always seem to be awkward and uncomfortable and end poorly. Do you have any suggestions for things I can do to make the dates be more fun?

A: My advice? Don't do this:

Q&A: Second Thoughts

I am doing something a little different with the Q&A today. This question has been sent to me twice, and it is one that I think probably many people wonder about. I think there are probably many different opinions, and I think the person who sent in the question would greatly benefit from hearing various perspectives.

Therefore, I am not going to answer the question. At least not today. I am posting this question so that all of you out there in CyberWorld will think about it, and hopefully put your thoughts together in a comment for whoever sent in the question. Feel free to answer anonymously if that makes you more comfortable sharing your thoughts...

Q: I have often thought about if I married the right person. The Church teaches you to marry a returned missionary, get married in the temple, so on and so on. (I'm not blaming the Church for my problems). I just question a lot of things because we got married so quickly, and everything seemed right at the time, and now we even have started a family, and I feel horrible for still questioning our relationship now. I love my husband, but it is not like the kind of love that I have experienced before. That sounds aweful, but it is true. I don't know what to do, and since I have seen both sides of the grass (because I am a convert) I often wonder if I made the right decision. Does this make sense? I am comfortable, but not truly happy. What advice would you give me. Please help. This has been on my mind for a long time.


What would you tell this young mother?

Q&A: Anxiously Engaged

**Disclaimer: The following post and comments are about sex. I will attempt to answer the question as candidly as possible without being inappropriate. However, even while maintaining appropriate appropriateness, it is still a sex discussion. Feel free to look away while you still can.

Thanks to all those who sent questions to me via email or comment! I got some good ones, and I was actually torn about which question to answer. I decided to go with a sort of fun one for this first time around. Please leave your thoughts and opinions for the bride-to-be who wrote:


I've been engaged for 2 months and wonder what you wish you knew for your wedding night and any suggestions/recommendations you would give a soon-to-be married gal who's not sure what to expect.

Congratulations! Being engaged is so fun and exciting! Treasure every moment of it.

And counting down to your wedding night is definitely a big part of the excitement. At least it was for me. Let me give you my suggestions/recommendations in a nutshell:

1. Take a deep breath. Sex is amazing and beautiful and fun. But probably not on the first night! The first night is more awkward and nerve-racking and uncomfortable (emotionally and physically, let's be real here). But in spite of all the nerves and discomfort, you are with someone you love, your best friend, the person you trust most completely in your life (and if not, then you might want to rethink the whole marriage thing! But that's for another Q&A :).
2. Don't expect too much. In spite of what society and movies and music lead you to believe, good sex does not happen naturally. It just doesn't. Sure, the basics are easy to figure out, (thanks to raging hormones), but learning what you like and don't like, and how to be comfortable with your body, and getting into a rhythm with your partner (literally...haha...too much? my bad) takes time. And education. Which leads me to my next suggestion:
3. Read books about sex. Not dirty books. Not romance novels. Books by therapists and experts on what to expect and how things work and what goes on. I read The Act of Marriage, (by Tim and Beverly LaHaye) which my Marriage Prep teacher at BYU suggested to our class. It's written by a husband-wife therapist team (not LDS), and is specifically for people who have waited until marriage to have sex. In other words, it spells out a bunch of basics that much of the general population probably already knows. I absolutely loved this book. It not only goes into detail about the physical aspects of sex, as well as the different emotional meanings for men and women, but also ties in the spiritual aspect of sex and actually discusses various scriptures from the Bible about sex and man and woman and stuff like that. I really recommend this book for sure. Another book I would suggest is an LDS book called Between Husband and Wife by Stephen Lamb and Douglas Brinley. This book was also recommended by a BYU professor of mine, and I own it, but have never actually read it. I've skimmed through it here and there, but I really got what I needed from The Act of Marriage book. I'm sure there are lots of good books out there. Just find something and read it. And make your fiance read it. But don't read it together!! And make sure you read it fairly close to your wedding date. Like...the day before.
4. Talk to your fiance! Now this is a double edged sword, because talking about it gets you thinking about it, and thinking about it eventually gets you doing it. Anyway, making sure you and Handsome Man are on the same page about sex is an absolute must. I think many times people have awkward experiences because they just don't realize that Bride and Groom are expecting totally different things. What will that night look like for you? Will you wait until you leave the reception, or will you sneak off after the luncheon and before pictures? Will you get to the hotel and boogie down right away, or will you lock yourself in the bathroom while you shower or freshen up from a long day in a wedding dress? What types of sexual things are you okay with? Is there something you for sure want to do? Are there things you for sure don't want to do? TALK TO LOVERBOY (that would be your fiance) ABOUT IT. I know it might seem weird, or like it's taking the romance or the spontaneity out of the night, but trust me... It's way less weird to talk about it ahead of time, than to get to the hotel and realize he wants A, B, and C and you want X, Y, and Z.

Bottom line: It will be clumsy and weird and painful (probably) and messy and "I can't believe this is really happening" and amazing and awesome and beautiful all at the same time. And it will get more amazing and awesome and beautiful the more practice you get. So try and think of some way to get your husband to want sex all the time so you can get really good at it. Wait, wait...I'm pretty sure that's built in. You get a husband and he more than likely is the Sex Drive Included version. :)

I tried to answer your question without being too graphic for this public blog. If you have more specific questions, email me at havejoy@ymail.com.

Q&A: When is enough enough?

That's right, people. I'm doing it again! Even in the wake of the awesomeness that was going on last week. Again, please leave your thoughts and advice if you feel so inclined. The people who send me their questions benefit from everyone's experiences, not just my own. Thanks in advance! Here goes:

I have been married for 6 years now(in the temple) and we have two great kids. while i was pregnant with our first my father in law died and my husband kind of spiraled into a downward motion. he became depressed and focused all of his time into his fathers company. when that fell through things got worse and my husband has had a big issue with pain killers. which has brought on a lot of financial issues, trust issues, and a lot of unhappiness for me while i have tried to get him help. and 2 years later its still a problem. I feel like I am ready to move on and provide my children with a better future, and i'm still not trusting my husband at all...how did you know when enough was enough?? I have prayed for answers and i know that this is all on heavenly fathers time but i don't want to give him false hope. Also, I am so afraid to break my temple covenants and deny my family of an eternal family.


Okay, there are a lot of pieces to this question that I would like to address. First of all, I can't really answer this question in the way you are probably looking for. Knowing when enough is enough is between you and the Lord. My enough will not be the same as your enough. You are really the only one that can answer that question.

So, instead of attempting to answer this, I am going to give you some thoughts I have or things to think about that might help you in your search for an answer.

1. It sounds like your husband made some bad choices during a time of stress and sadness in his life. Addictions are so dangerous because they really can take over, and they are difficult to overcome. That does not mean they cannot be overcome, though. The fact that it is still a problem two years later doesn't mean a whole lot to me. This could very well be a lifelong struggle for him. I would suggest that his behavior surrounding the addiction is more important to look at than the fact that he still struggles with it. For example, is he honest about it? Does he meet regularly with the bishop? Has he been to counseling or rehab? Does he feel godly sorrow? Is he actively trying to overcome this trial? Serious addictions will not be overcome quickly or easily, and it is possible to have a strong marriage despite a word of wisdom problem. An anonymous person commented on a post a few weeks ago about how her husband struggled for years with pornography. And though it has been a 20 year struggle, there was still love and kindness in their marriage, and she said she is so happy she stuck through it. Look at your husband's heart. Look at his goals and intentions. If these are in the right place, he absolutely can overcome this addiction...though it very well may be a lifelong struggle.


2. Like you said, breaking temple covenants is not something that should be taken lightly. Exhaust every option before you make that choice. Talk to your bishop about the thoughts you've been having, about your concerns for your marriage and your children. Make sure your relationship with Heavenly Father is where it needs to be, so that you can be in tune with the spirit. Hold regular family home evenings, attend the temple, and read your scriptures. This will not only be a strength to you, but to your husband and children as well. At a time you so desperately need the guidance and comfort of the spirit, make sure you find time to be still and listen to its quiet promptings.


3. It sounds like the trust has been damaged in your relationship. This can be so devastating to a marriage, and can take some hard work to regain. Have the two of you met with your bishop? Have you met with a therapist? I would suggest making an appointment with both.


4. What exactly have you been praying for? Do you feel you have received an answer? Maybe you are praying for the wrong things. Nikki's opinion on prayer: I find that when I pray for the Lord to tell me the answer, or to show me which path to choose, I very rarely get the clear cut answer I'm looking for. However, if I pray for guidance as I make the choice, if I weigh out the options in my mind, if I read and study about the topic, and make my own choice, and take that choice to the Lord in prayer, it is easier for me to recognize the "not a good idea" feeling or the "yes, go ahead with your plan" feeling. Perhaps try changing what you're praying for...


5. I am perplexed by you saying "I don't want to give him false hope." Why would it be false? Isn't that exactly what you should be doing right now? Giving him hope? Standing by him? Showing your faith in him? (This is assuming you answered yes to the questions I posed in point #1.) It sounds to me like you have already given up this fight. Maybe I misinterpreted what you meant by that...so if you would like to clarify, please do.


6. Lastly, if you answered no to the questions in point #1...I would spend some serious time in prayer. Speak to your bishop. Read ensign articles and conference talks on addiction and divorce. You have a tough choice ahead of you no matter what: stay in a relationship with a spouse who is not changing serious negative behavior, or leave. Neither one is pleasant. And no one can really know the implications of either one for your specific situation. Read your patriarchal blessing. Get blessings from family or friends. Now is not the time to make a quick choice. Pray, pray, pray! And whatever choice is right for you--to stay and work it out, or to face the awful reality of divorce--if you make the decision prayerfully and humbly, the Lord will not leave you to face it alone.

My heart goes out to you...