29 October 2009

Q&A: No Sexy Please

I got this email from an anonymous email account last week, and thought it would make a great Q&A. **Warning: This post contains sexual content. Read at your own risk.**

Q: So my sex drive is pretty much not great. I am just tired at the end of the day & nothing sounds better than sleep when I crawl into bed. But my husband wants more than sleep, he wants action. When I'm not in the mood, often he gets really irritated & thinks I'm not attracted to him & this attitude lasts until we "do it" (usually a couple days).
I know that as soon as we get intimate, he'll shake it off & be cool with me again. But it is hard to want to get intimate with him when he's mad at me, ya know? It's a horrible cycle. But one we always fall into. It makes me want to just say "fine, lets do it" even when I have no desire, but I HATE doing it when I don't really want to & he doesn't want that either. So do you have any tips that will help me have more of a desire to do the deed? Please help me here. When he's "satisfied" (that sounds sleazy) he's a better husband and dad. But, I just don't feel like satisfying him as often as he'd like. What to do, what to do?
Am I the only person who doesn't want sex multiple times per week? I hope I'm not alone, but it sure feels like I am.

A: First of all, thank you so much for this question. I really think that a lot of women struggle with this, especially women with young children at home. Here are my thoughts in bullet points:
  • By some cruel trick, men and women are created differently. Not only in our need for sex, but in what sex means to us. Women want to feel close and emotionally connected BEFORE getting down. Men, on the other hand, feel close and emotionally connected AFTER doing the deed. Therefore, the less sex you have, the less close your husband will feel to you. That's just the way it is. You mentioned that he is a better husband and father when he is satisfied, and that is because he's feeling emotionally connected to you, which makes him more inclined to help out. So, the way you feel when your hubby does the dishes for you, is similar to how he feels when you make love to him. Maybe that will help you want to do the deed more often if you look at it that way.
  • There is a physical component to it, in that men have a build up of semen that continues to build until they can release it. It actually becomes physically uncomfortable if he can't release that on a regular basis. So more than him just being needy and selfish and wanting sex, he actually has a physical need...and if you're in a committed, religious relationship, then you're the only one who can fill that need.
  • Can I ask you a personal question? Are you able to have an orgasm? How often? If you are not physically satisfied during sex, that will definitely make you not want to do it as often.
  • Wow I have so much to say about this! I have to pick and choose so this doesn't get waaaay too long...
  • Is there another time of day (besides super late when you're completely exhausted) that you could have a little mmm mmmm with your hubby? I am a huge fan of scheduling sex. That's right. SCHEDULE it. Sounds really unromantic, but it can actually be really fun. Say Wednesday night at 8:00 (older kids are at mutual, younger kids are in bed). All day you know it's Sex Day...maybe you shave your legs in the shower. Maybe hubby sends you a sweet note or brings home dinner or something. You end up anticipating it during the day, and it could be really fun. That might not work for everyone, but it's worth a shot.
  • Have you ever talked to your husband about what his ideal number of times per week is? What is yours? If you sit down and talk about it, maybe you can come up with a compromise schedule, so that he doesn't feel like he has to beg to get his needs met, and you don't feel like he'll be pestering you every night, ya know? Just a thought.
Ok, I'm going to stop now. I have so much more to say.

Leave your thoughts to this anonymous reader about her predicament. And reader, was any of what I wrote helpful to you?


Anonymous said...

Okay~ I need to be the first one to comment on this :) This was my husband and I a couple of years ago (we have now been married for 9 years). I HATED doing the deed with him and would even catch myself rolling my eyes when he suggested it. Finding a different time of the day was the answer for us...Sunday mornings!!! We aren't rushing around the house frantically and our kids are a little older so they can entertain themselves. It starts the day and week out and I have one happy husband :)

Anonymous said...

When we are having sex regularly our whole relationship is SO much better! When you have kids scheduling it is almost a necessity. Once I realized how much happier my husband is (and I am..really!) and how much more he helps out and such, I wanted to do it more. I think you have to change your attitude of it being another "chore" to check off your list and realize it is a vitally important part of your relationship. When I did that it became much more enjoyable and I actually look forward to it.

The Harker Family said...

I love what you shared Nikki!!!! Just fabulous, and I agree 100%.

Anonymous said...

My husband thought scheduling sex would take the romance out of it, but it totally helps me! If I know it's going to happen, I'm thinking about it and the anticipation totally helps me be ready for it faster, if you know what I mean. No artificial ingredients needed. Much more romantic, much more enjoyable, happens more often. He loves that.

Anonymous said...

Definitely could use a safe place to look for good sex advice. You rock, Nikki!

Anonymous said...

I am so there with you. We've been married almost 7 years, and if it was up to the hubby, we would still be having sex EVERY day. I'm tired and most often that's the last thing I want to do. I'm also aware of what Nikki said, that husbands NEED sex.

So in an attempt to compromise, I adopted a philosophy that I read somewhere. It suggests that if you're not in the mood, but he is, then pull the quickie card.
"Hunny, I'm so tired, but I guess we could make time for a little quickie." This works like a charm. 2 minutes of doing something you don't want to is better than 8 or 10! It's still not my favorite thing, but I find sometimes that once I'm into it, 2 minutes might not be enough time.

We're still a couple of nights a week (sometimes more). Husbands need it. And that's part of our "role." Just like other things we don't like to do, mopping, scrubbing toilets, it has to be done! (but don't ever say that to him).

For times when you're really not in the mood, here's another idea. I've explained to my hubby that having sex is in a way, like getting a full body massage. If I asked him to give me a massage every night, he might get tired of it. Some nights he might say, "I just massaged you last night!" If he didn't want to massage you, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He's tired of doing it, and just wants to go to bed. After all, how many massages does a person need in a week? I really think this made it clear for my husband (helped me get our routine down to only a couple nights a week).

One more thing you might find helpful, on top of being tired, I've found that a lot of my resistance to sex is because of my unhapiness with my body. I hate being naked next to my husband (sad, I know) but he's still skin on top of bones, while I'm sporting a post baby body. Finding ways to feel pretty helps me feel more willing to get naked.

You're NOT NOT NOT alone. Don't feel bad for having your feelings. But find ways to compromise so that your husband knows he is special enough to you, that you would put choose him over your own desires (or rather, lack there of). Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Just popped in to say, "You're not alone."

In my case, DH is understanding about it. I know he's happier when we are more consistent though, so it makes me feel bad as well. But, usually not bad enough to do anything.

I like the Quickie Card - a LOT! I also like scheduling it. Though, I wouldn't tell him. But, I could still schedule it in my mind and he would still think of it as romantic.

This post has given me more of an urge to make an effort in this department. **I never realized he got physically uncomfortable.

I think my reluctance def. has to do with body image. Once we get started, I never regret it. But, for some reason, I just really don't want to go there.

And Yes, Nikki, Sex Fact Wednesdays sounds great.

Beki said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

This is something that my husband and I struggle with, but with two different variations.
-I am the one who wants sex more. I would love it every other day, while my husband is fine with it once a week.
-We have different sex times. He would rather have sex in the early afternoon while I'd rather wait until bedtime.
It is a constant struggle for us. Something that we both have to work on together.

Anonymous said...

Quickie card/massage girl here. Wanted to mention a FANTASTIC blog, geared towards planning fun, romantic evenings for you and spouse. A lot of ideas are intented to end up in the bedroom. But it's creative, fun, and romantic. Check it out. www.loveactually-blog.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

great question and great post. i agree with everything you said and definitely notice in my own marriage how right you are...

Anonymous said...

This is a great subject and one that seems so hard to talk about! Thanks for shedding some light on this subject. I would love a weekly wednesday sex talk.

Sometimes I dread having sex, but I have found that if I pray about it before.. asking God to give me a heart and mind that desires my husband, one that would enjoy making love to him. I promise that every time I make a concious effort to pray before hand, I ALWAYS enjoy it more. What a blessing sex can be if you view it that way. But I tell ya, its very hard sometimes!

Anonymous said...

Totally agree with everything being said here!

Nikki, you've got my vote for SEX FACTS DAY!! WHOOHOO!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm all in for sex facts Wednesday. After all it's hump day, so it only seems appropriate! ;) Love all the comments and ideas, I think there's going to be a lot of people gettin' busy tonight! haha

Anonymous said...

This is just what us LDS ladies need! Somewhere we can ask questions & talk about "it" with people who share the same standards! Refreshing!

Anonymous said...

Change up your routine. Like if your husband is out of town, try phone sex. It's hotter than you think.

One date night, we ended up getting milkshakes and then parking by the railroad tracks. One thing led to another and we had the hottest sex ever- even after 7 years.

I have found that once we are actually having intercourse, I remember how much I like it.

Boy Wonder said...

This is BOY Wonder! Just want to say that I like all the things that Nikki said... I'm in love with you!

Erin and Aaron said...

I highly, highly suggest that the question asker read Dr. Laura's 'Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands'--if not the whole thing, at least the chapter called "What's sex?" I think you'd find it very very helpful as she answers these same questions: literally almost word for word.

Jordanfam4 said...

Haha I love that Boy Wonder chimed in!! I love even more that so many questions were answered that so many of us LDS women have but never have the courgage to ask!! SEX FACTS DAY!! TOTALLY!! Great!!! Nikki your awesome!!

Anonymous said...

Please...sex facts Wednesday sounds perfect. Amen to the LDS-women-need-a-place-to-talk-about-sex. Please.

I could have written the original post. Word for word. But an interesting twist here at the mansion...my husband would sometimes encourage me to lose weight, exercise...and these conversations ALWAYS were on nights when I would refuse sex. On nights when we had sex, no 'honey, I am just trying to get you healthy' talks. Hmmm. I say, not fair.

Somewhere a few years ago, I could see that he wasn't changing. He still wanted sex every day. I began to accept that. I began a routine of every other night. He's happier - and I think I am happier too. I think we both benefit. Sometimes it's routine and I'm just in it for the backrub that preceeds. Sometimes the magic happens.

This 'magic' honestly only happens when the house is shut down. I cannot relax, fool around and enjoy myself when I hear 'stuff' - tvs, kids, etc.

I have much more to say, but for now...TBC

Anonymous said...

I am the person who posed this question. When I did I really felt alone & embaressed about it, to some degree. I am so happy to learn that so many other women feel exactly the same way. Well, I wish this problem didn't exsist, but I take comfort knowing I'm not alone! Anyway, thanks for all of the tips, it is really helpful to me. And Nikki, your Wednesday idea is much needed it sounds like!

Anonymous said...

Once a woman in our congregation told me that she and her husband had only had sex twice in that year. I had no response (in my memory), nothing, nada, crickets. I have never forgotten it, tho. They are still together, but it's been a troubled weird marriage.

On a different subtext..I tend to think, when I see a couple drifting apart, there was no little or no sex in that marriage. True, do you think? Or not? Can couples truly break up even when the sex is great and often?

Anonymous said...

Good post and I would love to hear some sex advice at least once a week!

Rachel said...

I have this problem when we get out of habit. Our minimum is 2 times a week and trying to squeeze in more feels like a chore.
Do a trade: You massage me and give me some closeness while we unwind and watch TV and when we go to bed I'll give you a romp in the sheets.
Get a sex position book. It is totally worth it especially if you have not been getting "satisfied."
Try getting dangerous!!! If you have little kids around you know how hard it can be to find some private time. When my hubby comes home from a 48 hour shift he is ALWAYS in the mood. I, on the other hand, have been dealing with the kids by myself for the last two days. Hmmmm, turn off???
I started doing things like pulling him into the bathroom for a hot make out session or walking from the bathroom to the bedroom naked while he is asking me a question. Give him a flirt and he will make the effort to get you in the mood. So, lock the door and pray for the five minutes you need as you grope each other like crazy. Little kids won't die without you for 5 minutes.

Cristine said...

I think a lot of women go through this situation because (like Nikki said) our horomones & chemicals are quite different from our significant others. 

My partner and I have quite the opposite problem... I have much more of a libido than he & I understand feeling rejected!!! 

I know it's soooo not being rejected but it "feels" like it. Sometimes I wish he would just be able to be on "my" time and enjoy the night life! Heh 

He prefers the AM nookie. Which is not ideal for me. I'm very self conscious about morning breath haha! And also, I'm not a morning person. 

As far as tips to "enjoy" the thought of sex more.., would be to THINK about how happy it will make him feel. Maybe you two could start off with more kisses and foreplay -that way you start to want him physically. 

Unless your ill or exhausted... Do you ever regret having sex with your husband? If so, I would reccomend seeing a therapist to help you overcome some issues you might not have tackled yet... 

Sex shouldn't make you feel bad or dirty. Ever!!!! <3 think about how LUCKY you are to have a husband that craves your touch and caress.  

Www.Adamandeve.com for some toys that you two could incorporate into your bedroom... Things like vibrating rings aren't too intense but something that could be fun!!! They even sell them at the drug store. 

I also definitely reccomend staying at a hotel every once in a while for some sexy and romantic fun!!! They usually have huge bathtubs. 

And don't feel like you have to dress up in rediculous lingerie either!!! Wearing his shirt to bed, sans panties, could be a really sexy surprise..... Just cuddle up and let your sweet husband softly caress you until YOU are in the mood.... 

I agree with reading: "the proper care and feeding of husbands" by Dr. Laura. 

Make sure though that your feelings are being heard.... You shouldn't have to do it every time you aren't feeling I'm the mood.... But it works both ways too.. Don't make him beg for something that he deserves. 

My theory to relationships are give and take... Try to be the sweetest wife because your husband is sweet to you. I almost never fight with Don because I know how much he loves me for me. I've been in & out of the hospital for 3 months now.... And I bawl my eyes out because I'm in too much pain to make love... I took something so special for granted... :( 

Sorry for the long ramble-post... But I hope it helped even a tiny bit!!!

rookie cookie said...

Here is a website that might be helpful.


Their tag line is "Strengthening marriage through intimate products, romance and sexual fulfillment."

Anonymous said...

First - I like the idea of a 'Sex Facts' Day, so bring it on.
Second - Any idea what 'normal' for having sex per week is? An article said (but is it true...) that while newly married couples have sex almost every day, that drops to about once a week after a couple years, and after the kids come once a month. I was in shock, because I can't imagine going for a month in between sex, but...was still curious.
Third - I know it's an incredibly touchy subject, but orgasms would probably be a popular post on here.

KateHargadon said...

I will definitely need to block your blog on "sex facts Wednesday" so that your 11 year old readers don't read more then they need to....hahah

Anonymous said...

I want the person who posted this to know that you are not alone! I have so many friends who feel the very same way, and I think part of the problem is that in a very religious culture, sex is a no-no topic, and you feel frustrated and helpless when you don't have support or someone to talk about it. (And let's be honest, your husband doesn't like to talk about the fact you don't like sex...)

With that being said, I would encourage you to not only plan sex, but every once in a while, do something totally sparatic! The sparatic sex drives most guys crazy and they will be happier just a little longer...it might buy you an extra day of no sex.

Try doing it everyday.... said...

OH! And about the Dr. Laura book, she has a great analogy.

She talks about the fact that most men do not love getting up and going to work everyday, but they do it to support the family. I personally love sex, so there is no "working" for me, but just remember that your husband probably makes sacrifices for you by working EVERYDAY the least you can do is have sex with him a few minutes before bed a few times a week.

I have heard that twice a week is "average," but I will say, the weeks my husband and I have sex a handful of times, we are a happier, healthier couple. I swear! I challenge anyone who doesn't enjoy it to have sex everyday and make it FUN to see how it affects your household.

rookie cookie said...

Are people really giving tips on how to keep your husband satisfied so that he won't want sex all the time? Is he a nuisance? Is he some kind of animal? Do you want him to feel loved or check off the list? Meaningful sex binds a marriage, not to-do list sex. Seek to improve sex so that you feel connected. Husband's are human beings and should be respected as such.

Anonymous said...

I've been wanting to read that book about having sex everyday for a year. I have no doubt that it builds closeness. But...as someone said (Dr. Laura, Dear Abby, they all run together...) if it's 4th of July for him and Labor Day for you, it takes some work to get to the point where you can want to have sex every day for a year.

I like the going-to-work analogy.

Also, I always remember the words of that great sexpert..Boyd K. Packer - who (I think, I think!) said that libido/sex drive is a blessing b/c it's what makes men want to form families. If there wasn't the sex part/the intimate part/the bond that all that builds, men would have no compuncton to want to form a family, build a home (feather the nest, bring the meat home to the cave), be loyal to one woman b/c men are not the nurturers by nature.

Anonymous said...

I agree with mostly everything that has been said. This is a difficult subject and not something you usually just talk about over lunch. But it is good to know that we are not alone. I have felt the same way and I realized that most of it had to do with me not feeling sexy at all. When I looked in the mirror all I see are strech marks, love handles, and all the imperfect areas that kids and way to many cookies have brought me! Whenever I would tell my husband that he would say that he thought I was beautiful and I just thought he was saying that to get some! Seriously though, I really think that most husbands do find their wives attractive and beautiful even when we don't!!! So some advice on how to fix it: First realize that you can change things if you want to. Start taking care of yourself. Exercise, diet, take a shower once a week or so(not always easy to do) shave your legs. Just make yourself feel better and do it for you and for your husband. The feminist in me says that you shouldn't do things for a man, but you should want to do things for your husband to make him happy. Tell him how you feel! Tell him you are to tired and that if he helped out with the dishes or the toliets you might have more energy! At least you can get some free cleaning out of it!:) OK not advocating that in a bad way that some people might take it!! Just be honest with him and yourself. Communication is the most important. Tell him that you need to hear that you are beautiful and sexy and loved ALL the time, not just when he wants sex! It will make you feel better about yourself and when you look in the mirror you will see how beautiful you are. Maybe not Heidi Klum four kids and crazy thin still, but your own beautiful. Remember, he married you not the super model and he loves you strecth marks and all!!! I've worked on this, which was really hard after my last baby because I felt completely unattractive along with all the wierdness of just having a baby and pains and everything. But after focusing on these things, it has gotten better! I feel better about myself and I feel more sexy! Oh, and it helps if you initiate it sometimes!! Espically if it has been a problem he may not want to because he feels rejected and hurt or he doesn't want to seem like he is nagging you! Find sexy clothes and go out of your way a little. It;s hard when you have spit up in your hair, but he most likely doesn't care! OK I think that is enough. Thanks Nikki! Self image and how we feel about ourselves overall is usually at the heart of most of our problems, at least for me and people that I have talked to! But it can be fixed and the end result is so worth it!!!

Anonymous said...

Maybe you should re-name your blog
"have sex"
Just a thought.

Anonymous said...

To anonymous 10:53: I really hope you meant shaving your legs once a week and not SHOWERING! Lol

Allie Z said...

The gal needs to read For Women Only!!! It was written shaunti feldhahn and her hubby. WOW!!! It's all about understanding our differences as women from men. Shaunti did a study, asking God fearing men and those without faith. Their answers were startlingly similar!!

There's a male counter part called For Men Only. I bought the set, read For Women Only and then read the dude version. Totally awesome to see both sides and become a better wife!

Nikki- Do you have this book? Have you ever read it? I'd send it to you to borrow if you wanna peruse...

Anonymous said...

I thought I should leave a comment as a woman who's in the opposite position on this topic. I'm not sex-crazed by any means, but my husband rarely makes any effort whatsoever to have sex with me. At one point after I got pregnant with my first child, he didn't touch me for two years. If we have sex once a month that's actually an accomplishment. At this point, the last time we had sex was five months ago. We've been married for 9 years and it has been like this since the beginning. You're probably thinking, "he's gay," "there's something wrong with him hormonally," and/or he's just not attracted to me. Believe me, these worries have run through my mind every single day and cannot begin to detail the level of emotional pain his lack of interest in sex has caused me. I can't count the number of nights I have laid in bed in tears wishing he would touch me. We have been to counseling and he has even seen doctors and still to this day I have no idea what the problem is, and he shows no interest in changing things. He just says "he's not a sexual person," and shrugs it off, and I have no reason to believe any of the above reasons are the case. He shows absolutely no signs of being gay, his hormone levels are normal, and in every other way he's very caring, kind and supportive of me. Were it not for the sex thing, we have a pretty good marriage.

When I hear women complaining about their husband wanting to have sex with them it causes me equal parts shame and anger. I WISH my husband wanted to have sex with me, and I WISH I knew why he never has and seemingly never will. As someone who is in the other boat, I'd like to say please get over yourself and stop complaining. Make the time and effort. If you knew what it was like to go weeks, months, or years without your husband touching you, I guarantee you you'd never utter a word of complaint again.

Anonymous said...

Dear Annonomous poster at 9:35am,
The person who asked the quetion asked "Do you have any tips that will help me have more desire?"
At first your comment was relevant. Then when you made the comment "get over yourself & stop complaining" it became obvious that you are just projecting your feelings about your own situation on to someone, who unlike your husband, is making an effort to improve their relationship.

Anonymous said...

Ok, I realize I just spelled anonymous very wrong in the last post, haha!

Anonymous said...

Alright, the down side of an anonymous post is you can't delete it & re-write it. Sorry about all the errors in that comment at 2:03:)

Anonymous said...

Re: Anonymous @ 9:35

That sucks. I don't know how that feels, but you don't really hear of this from a woman's side and I thought for a second about what it would be like if my husband wasn't interested in me sexually and it was pretty depressing. So thanks for sharing that. I agree with the later comment that your comment sounded pretty harsh, but I took it to heart, I mean, me not wanting to have sex with my husband is almost always because of myself, of what I want in that moment (usually to go to bed), rather than thinking about what my husband wants. I put him off and it causes a negative cycle and then just complain he is a caveman/sex maniac - I never really thought about how it makes him feel emotionally.

Anonymous said...

Another RE: 9:35am

You've given us something to think about, but I think your point would have been better received had you left out the offensive laguage in your final paragraph. It was a pretty friendly discussion prior to your comment.

Anonymous said...

For what it's worth, I think that anon 9:35's point was well taken. Given her situation, I can understand the intensity of her feelings, and how it may be difficult to listen to women complain about "too much." Sort of like an poor kid listening to a rich kid complain about having to eat vegetables. :)

Anyway, 9:35, I liked your comment. Sometimes a point needs to be made strongly to have an impact. I didn't take it as a personal attack to anyone; just a strongly held opinion.

Anonymous said...

When I'm not in the mood some times all it takes is a few kisses to get me there. Often my husband will touch me, to get things going, but for me, kissing is more meaningful some how.

And to 9:35- I'm sorry for your situation, I can't even imagine my husband not wanting sex. That sucks. P.S. I'm not complaining that he wants it.

Anonymous said...

My husband and I have been married for 8 years and we have 2 kids. Sex has been generally a positive experience, but we've had our ups and downs since day one. It seems we can never get on the same page. For the first couple months, he was very hesitant because of past mistakes and his hesitancy made me feel insecure and unattractive. He quickly got over that but I was still left feeling like there was something wrong with me. His desire soon went WAY up and mine went down. He ended up feeling like he was begging for it for about 4 years. I finally got over my insecurities and found my sexuality and started to LOVE sex, while he was so tired of nagging me for years that his desire went down. We are still at the same point. My desire is very high and his is low to medium. I feel bad that I made him beg for years, but I don't think I realized it. I was only thinking of myself and how tired I was, etc. and treating him like a nuisance. That really affected him to the point that he initiates much less than he used to because he got tired of being rejected. Now I see what it's like to be on the other side and it's not fun-- so I agree with 9:35 that sometimes we need to get over ourselves, and give our man what only we are able to give him. No one else can meet that need, as Nikki said. We pray for our intimacy and I know things will even out eventually. So having been on both sides, I understand how frustrating these issues can be, but I try to remember that sex is a gift given to us from God to help couples bond physically, spiritually, and emotionally. It's not a chore. We just have to find a reasonable balance for our own situation, which can take time patience and that's ok. And Nikki, I think something on orgasm would be VERY helpful!!! It's an issue that a lot of women have but are afraid to say so. And LOL that Boy Wonder commented!!! :) Awesome.

nicole viola said...

Hey Nikki,
Good subject! A blogger I "know" did this awesome "challenge" earlier this year that you might like to check out. Here's the link:

Anonymous said...

Nicole Viola- good link!
Lots of good ideas, from Nikki & many of the comments!

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