08 May 2009

Remember That One Time I Got Married?

So today would have been my 5 year wedding anniversary.

It is my second May 8th since I've been separated.

It's my first May 8th since I've been officially divorced.

So weird.

And so sad.

I was sitting at lunch yesterday and over the loud speakers a song started playing. It happened to be the song Ex and I danced our first dance to at our wedding.

The Universe apparently has exquisite timing.

And I sat and listened to the song, and pondered the irony of hearing it. And it made me feel a little weird, and sort of agitated and just...bleh. You know that feeling? yeah...

I went back to work, and tried to not bawl through the next few hours. Then I went to class. I was holding it together pretty well. Until my teacher said, "You're kind of quiet today, Nikki." Talk about rude, right? I mean, who WOULDN'T cry at hearing a comment like that? (p.s. insert sarcasm)
So again with the waterworks. What is with me? Apparently having dreams, and hopes, and love, and commitment, and refining, and creating life, and memories, and experiences with someone is pretty hard to get over.

Maybe "get over" isn't the right way to say it.

Maybe "accept your current reality" is a better way to say it.

Maybe "understand that everyone has choices, and that certain decisions have put you in this place" is a better way to say it.

Maybe "life sucks sometimes, and I just want to throw a tantrum about how unfair it is" is the best way to say it.

So I had a little therapy session in class, and I cried, and I felt sorry for myself, and I felt like a failure for a minute, and I felt hopeless and alone for a minute. And then I took a deep breath. And I put my Nikki Is Strong hat back on. And I'm ok.

So today is a little bit weird. And I'm a little bit sad. And I'm a little bit heartbroken.

And I'm a little bit closer to not being heartbroken anymore.


rookie cookie said...

Someday, there will be a new anniversary date and a new song. And both of those will make you cry tears of joy.

Anonymous said...

Sooo not only am I crying because of your post, but also because of Rookie's post. Geezzzzz.

I love you. It's ok to feel sad today. But you're right - this means you're just a little bit closer to not being so heartbroken anymore... :)

I love you.

Calee said...

wow...didn't realize I wrote 'I love you' twice. That actually makes it a little awkward when combined with the 'anonymous' status...

haha - my bad :)

I do love you, though.


Nikki said...

Rookie Cookie,
Thank you. Really.

Why were you commenting anonymously in the first place, you dork? haha. I know you love me. I love you, too. I'm so glad we're sisters.

Rachel said...

Tears are healing Nik. I'm glad you have such a perceptive guy to lean on. Hey, free counseling too:)

Brooke said...

I love you Nikki! Reading your blog posts makes me wish we were friends (not that we're not, but you know what I mean). You are amazing and courageous and I respect you so much. Push forward with love and faith! You are in my thoughts today.

katie said...

I don't normally comment on your blog, but I love to read it. Today's post was one of your best. I cried for you. You are stronger than most.

I also like Boy Wonder way more after how he handled your conversation. Sounds like a great guy :)

The Morgans said...

BoyWonder hit the nail on the head...he should be a shrink too! It is normal for you to be sad and if you weren't the least bit sad I would wonder about you. Just think, there will be a next time and then all your dreams will come true. Hang in there and I am glad that you were able to get this off your chest...several times.

Anonymous said...

April 23rd. Every April 23rd, I cry. For 19 years on April 23rd, I've cried. And it makes me MAD. Next year on April 23rd it will be different! (or it won't)

mom said...

Great post. I feel your pain and sadness. I see your strength and beauty.
Strength and beauty win:)
You win.
You may not win every battle, but you will win the war.
Your time is coming.
I love you!

mom said...

I forgot to mention that I meant everything I said in the voice mail I left for you yesterday. I'm so glad you are my daughter. You are a gift to me.

Kylee said...

I love reading your posts..because you sounds so much like me. Except you put it into better words (: I am sure that I will have those same feelings this August what used to be our anniversary rolls around. I feel that way when holidays come around...like the one this weekend. I mean it was a year ago this Mother's Day that my ex-husband told me he had an affair...and things fell apart from there. But, we keep moving on moment by moment. Just know that you aren't alone.

Daddy-o said...

I love you honey.

I cried reading your post, and Mom thinks that was a breakthrough. I'll let her think this is the first time. :)


Anonymous said...

I love the title of Brooke's blog. It seems appropriate here... You cry and validate your feelings and what they mean (mourn for a minute). Take a big deep breathe to recenter yourself. Then give yourself permission to smile and be grateful that you did hard things and know that they were the right things to do in your situation. Maybe I'm being silky or Captain Obvious here, but that was my thought.

How do you ever move on without that process? I know that I can't seem to.

Anonymous said...

You are an amazing woman. Every time I read a blog of yours I feel empowered to live, to love, and to be my true self. I don't know how to explain it except for that you have a knack for connecting with me (as a reader and a friend). Write a book. Pleeeease!! It would be and injustice to mankind if you didn't :]

Allison said...

I don't check your Have Joy blog enough, but I did tonight, and I shed tears reading this. And it takes a lot for me to cry. Wish we crossed paths more, from a distance you seem like an amazing girl. Not to mention, you look like you have way too much fun! Just thought I should write it, because I still can't get the lump out of my throat. You are thought dearly of. Remember, you don't always have to put on your happy face to go out :)!

Darlene said...

I read somewhere once that when a spouse dies we are allowed to grieve but when there is a divorce we are expected to just get over it!! When my husband told me over the phone that we were definitely over (after trying to reconcile 3 times) I fell to my knees and thought I would be sick. I cried so hard that I actually ended up with 2 new wrinkles!! I begged Heavenly Father for his help and he did provide it. I felt like he wrapped me in his arms and helped me get through it. In order to have Joy we have to have Sadness.....

Paco said...

Ran across your blog. Keep being strong, and know you are loved. You are quite the catch, soundly impressive, and I miss hearing you and Ang singing in the back of the jeep on the way to BYU SLC center for class..

-Paco from Cheer

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