07 December 2008

Peace

I get to church today.  Sit down.  Weird thing happens.

I start watching all the families.  The babies playing with their moms.  The dads taking rowdy kids into the hall.

And I was suddenly overcome with a rush of sadness. 

A very deep, very raw kind of sadness.

And I seriously started bawling.  Right there.  My sister is singing the sacrament hymn, and looking at me weird because I am really trying to avoid going into hysterics.

The complete unfairness of my situation just hit me all at once.  And I start thinking about how unfair it is for my kids.  And how their entire lives they're going to be passed back and forth, and have questions, and have heartache, and there will be nothing I can do to make it go away.  

And it sucks.

And I almost walked out of the meeting right then.

But I didn't. 

I stayed.

And I got up and bore my testimony.  Because nothing chases away pain and bitterness like reminding yourself of what you believe in.  Especially because when you're doing that, you open yourself up to the spirit, which has been called "the comforter" for a reason.

And I bawled while doing incoherent blabbering at the pulpit.  And I have no idea if anyone else felt the spirit, but I sure did.  And I am so thankful for the gospel in my life.  I am so thankful for the knowledge that there is a plan, and that it is a plan of happiness, and that when you look at things from an eternal perspective they are never as bad as they seem.

Happy Sunday. :)

15 comments:

Karli said...

praying for you nikki. i know i don't know personally what you're going through, but i sure sympathize with you and wish i could help take some of that pain away. how grateful i am that we have the gospel as well to bring you a measure of comfort at this time. i loved the post previous to this as well and have read and re-read this talk several times. i kept thinking after Elder Wirthlin died last week how grateful i was that we were able to hear this last bit of wisdom from him before he did. thanks for sharing this and for being strong enough to bear testimony when you're hurting.

Scott and Abby said...

My heart hurts. Im so sorry. I know this isn't much. I just wanted you to know that you have people out here in the blog world that are thinking of you and cheering you on.

Michael and Cordie said...

If we lived closer I know we'd be friends, you are one cool girl. Thanks for sharing things with us!

The Hunt Family said...

I enjoyed your testimony today!
:)

The Dobrons said...

I got the chills reading your post. It's nice to hear someone share something that you feel so deeply about too. It's amazing that we have that knowledge and the Comforter to get us through such sucky times. Life would be EVEN harder without it. Thanks for sharing that.

Caroline said...

Oh Nikki, I got teary eyed reading this post. I can only imagine how difficult this must be. You are so strong-hang in there! It's awesome to see what strong faith you have- it will pull you through this, you will see! I'm praying for ya girl!

Kristina said...

Nikki we are the same person. I sat next to my happily-engaged roommate today in sacrament and cried the whole time. Then got up and cried more as I talked about the atonement and my relationship with the Savior.

What a Sunday! Wish we were together!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing your heart and your spirit. I don't think you will ever understand the miracles you do with just your simple words. Everyone gets to a point where the heart hurts and no one seems to understand. Then they are able to read your beautiful words and know they aren't alone.

The comforter, spirit, holy ghost, whatever the name is what helps us get up in the morning when it seems that life just isn't fair sometimes. And it is was prompts us to pour out our soul (sometimes in front of hundreds of people) to help heal ourselves.

I hope you know that you are never alone. You have the spirit and you have friends known and unknown that pray for you daily and think of you often. Keep up the writing and you will always have prayers to help you!

Jen said...

nikki- i feel for you. i don't understand perfectly what you're going through, but i get what you mean about your kids, because i got to be one of those kids. and rest assured, that there are tender mercies for them- and i'm sure for you as well. there was heartache and there were tears and a lot of questions, but there were unfailing examples of love and loyalty and peace in my life, too- those were not mistakenly placed. and one day, they will grow up to have their own families and the thing that will be most important are the memories of love that they felt from each of their parents- separate or together. the rest comes together like a puzzle and time heals things.
and for you, i'm sure there are blessings beyond your wildest dreams awaiting you. and what a great thing that you got up and bore your testimony.

Kari said...

I felt the spirit during your testimony on Sunday. I wish I could somehow ease your burden. I think you are amazing. I know the feeling of bursting into tears in Sacrament Meeting for no "apparent" reason (not apparent for anyone else anyway). It happens to me often. I don't think I could ever express to you how much you mean to me and how getting to know the amazing woman you are has changed my life. Love you Nikki!

Kristin said...

I just realized that Kari had used my computer and when I left that post, I was logged in as Kari. It was me! Sorry about that -Kristin

emily said...

thanks nikki.

Anonymous said...

I'm one of your many stalkers. I went through A LOT of years of infertility treatments (six years) before I conceived my twin girls via IVF. I used to do the same thing sometimes watching all the families and how they took up entire rows of seats. It became unbearable to go to church on Mothers or Fathers Day. I felt horrible for feeling sad because I was so blessed and felt deep in my heart that someday it would happen for us. And it did. That's the point I wanted to share. It happened. It took WAY longer than I thought it would and I never thought I wouldn't have kids until my early thirties. But when they were born, the pain went away. Not instantly and I still feel it sometimes because I am done after two kids. But it got a lot better. In your situation, your kids will be shuffled around and will experience some pain. But the bright side is that they are loved, and divorce is so common that they will not be singled out at school and most likely won't feel sad about it as often as you think. And once you find your soul mate which I totally believe you will, some of your pain will go away. Oh, and I believe you will find true love because you are awesome and have so much love to give and because if anyone deserves to have a happily ever after...you do.

Nikki said...

Thank you, thank you to all of you who have left comments. I have been terrible at responding to them lately, but they really do mean a lot to me. I appreciate every single one of them.

All of your words of encouragement help pick me up when I'm having hard days.

Thank you.

miktro said...

I appreciate how upbeat you are in the face of adversity :) Love really is about action and not about lip service, I totally agree. I stumbled across your blog on facebook. Stay strong, it gets better :)

 
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