You must allow yourself to feel angry. And sad. And lonely. And crazy. You must experience it, or it will rear it's ugly head with so much power you might not be able to calm it down. We need to make time (yes, schedule time) to feel angry. To sit down and think about whatever situation you are angry about. And you can cry, or scream, or write, or workout, or whatever it is you do to vent those feelings in a healthy way.
And then you can move on. And you will not give up control to Anger.
I'm reminded of another quote from Happily Ever After, by Kristin Armstrong:
"It is impossible to avoid pain; you must walk through it or it will wait for you around every corner. And it is impossible to numb pain; you must experience it fully to come cleanly out the other side." -pg. 17
If you want to stop being angry, you have to allow yourself to experience the pain of what you are going through. It ain't gonna be pretty, but it will be worth it.
11 July 2008
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19 comments:
I went through a situation several years ago where I was deeply hurt by someone I cared about. The anger didn't show up for about nine months after my life changed...and at that point I had no idea what to do with it.
Anger is a hard thing to experience, even when you are conscious of it's effects. It really shook me up and made me question aspects of myself.
It's nice to hear about your experiences on here. Thanks!
Amanda Q (just so you know which amanda it is)
You know what makes me angry?
The fact that you have these great quotes and writings on your side bar but it cuts into your blog so as I'm reading your great words I'm not getting them all because it cuts them off! I'm just say'n....Love ya Nikki!
Hmmm...you're the second person to say that, Requel! It looks totally normal on my home and work computers...so I'm not sure how to fix it...
I'll look into it, though. Thanks for pointing it out.
Anyone else having that problem?
Suggestion:
Forgiving the Unforgivable: Overcoming the Bitter Legacy of Imtimate Wounds, by Beverly Flanigan, M.S.S.W.
Promise it will speak to you ;)
--Anonymous Empathizer
Nikki,
I hope that you don't mind that I stopped by your blog and read it. My friend Karli Cleaver gave me your blog address.
I am in the midst as you are of going through a divorce. I am a Christian(which I think sometimes makes it harder). I am 22 and I have one child his name is Greg(8 1/2 months old).
I won't share my situation in a comment..because that would take a great deal of time. Maybe I could email you and give you some insight.
I am so thankful that I read your blog tonight. I was much like you, not that angry. The first week I was angry( my soon to be ex was unfaithful). Then when I wanted to work it out. I wasn't angry. But, now I find it coming in spurts. I think part of me doesn't want to show my angry side of it because then it shows that I am not handling it well. Everyone is so concerned and they don't want bitterness to take root and niether do I. But, I am again like you and try not to dwell on my shattered dreams and the situation. Partly because I do not want to feel that pain and sadness. But(there are a lot of but's), we do definitely need to experience.
I am going to be starting a blog that will sort follow my journey that I am on now. I will give you the address when I get it started.
Oh and I am definitely going to get that book that your sister gave you. It sounds like a good one and I have been looking for a book like that.
Sorry that this is completely random.
Kylee Grove
I completely agree with you. You have to experience each and every emotion in the process you just can't let it take over you, you have to move onto the next one.
By the way, I have not problems with your blog at all!
"And who is going to have to clean it up? You. There is no one else."
I can't imagine how true that must feel, but there are far more people around you willing to help "clean it up" than you may think.
The hard part can be letting them...
hi- so i randomly found your blog through blog stalking on others' blogs. :) i am really impressed by your faith and your testimony- good luck with everything you're doing and thanks for the thoughts- i'm sure i'm not the only one who has read them coming away with a little more perspective on life!
Amen. Sister. The "writing it out" helps me the most in difficult, unfair, out-of-my-control situations. It reminds me that I'm NOT crazy and gets all that emotion out SOMEwhere. You are right that it can build up and become out of control if you don't turn the valve and let a little out at a time to avoid an explosion. Great post.
p.s. your blog looks perfectly normal on my computer too? weird.
Nikki,
I love this new blog that you created. Anyway, you're so right about being angry. I remember being really sad and than all of a sudden I was raging with anger. I didn't know how to handle it so I would lash out like some crazy person. I never at the time thought to have a moment to just be angry...I think that was my problem I tried to control everything.
I think it is all part of the grieving process. I have lost two uncles whom I was close to, to different illnesses. I remember feeling angry that they of all people had to suffer so. I think the same about you! Why should you have to suffer through these tough times. In the end it has made me stronger and I know that it will make you stronger also!
Nikki,
I just got done reading through your blog. (took a while, but a worthwhile read :) I just love your insight and how you are able to express so wonderfully your thoughts and experiances. (ok please excuse all spelling in this comment)
Thank you for sharing your jouney. I think you are very brave. It takes a lot of guts to put yourself all on the line like you are.
All of us are learning and benefiting from you sharing your story.
So when is your book being published? :)
Well said, well said. I love to read what you write.
And your blog looks fine on my computer.
from the one who found your blog somehow, BYU texas cheerleader mom (hee, hee, not the murdering one - just the one who reads blogs of strangers!)
Well said, well said. I love to read what you write.
And your blog looks fine on my computer.
from the one who found your blog somehow, BYU texas cheerleader mom (hee, hee, not the murdering one - just the one who reads blogs of strangers!)
Your blog and writing are beautiful and inspiring. Thanks for the scriptures and thoughts!
Oh, all my blog friends, I love you!! Thanks for all your comments. I would like to respond to a few:
Amanda Q-I am so glad you found my blog and that you comment. I really enjoy hearing from you, and I feel a bit of a (soon-to-be) therapist bond. :) You are friends with Emily Rudy, right?
Anonymous Empathizer-thanks for the book suggestion. I will definitely pick it up. I appreciate the suggestion.
Kylee-I am more than happy that Karli directed you to my blog. It sounds like we are in very similar situations. I'm just a little ways ahead of you, it sounds like. I highly recommend Happily Ever After...really good stuff. Good luck as you maneuver through the next few months. Each day is another step in the right direction, just remember that when things get start getting blurry. Feel free to email me at havejoy{at}blogspot{dot}com if you want to talk more personally.
Anonymous "the hard part can be letting them"- I totally agree with you. There are so many people around me who have been huge blessings in my life right now. I have posted about that on my other blog in the past. So many people are willing to help me. But there are some things that friends and neighbors really can't help with, and that's mostly what I was referring to in this post. Things like the day to day stuff--going to work, for example. If I have a meltdown to the point of not functioning, no one can go to work and get paid for me. I've got to pick myself up and get it together. There's no one to fall back on in that case. Thanks for pointing out that there are people who are willing to help. This has definitely been a lesson in humility to realize that I have to rely on others for help sometimes, because I just can't do it all on my own. Very out of character for me to ask for help :). Thanks for your comment.
Jen-welcome to my blog! I'm glad you found it and enjoyed part of it. Thanks for your encouraging comment. Hope to hear from you again!
Amanda and Noah-yay for hearing from you! I never emailed you back to tell you how much I appreciated you contacting me and sharing your story with me. Seriously, it helped a lot. I'm glad you're still checking up on me :)
Julia-thanks for the comment :) Glad that once you took the time to read through this whole thing you considered it worthwhile...that would be a bummer waste of time if you read through it all and thought it was terrible. haha. I am submitting the proposal for my book to Deseret Book hopefully by the end of the summer, and should hear back from them within a month or two whether or not they want to sign me up. I'll definitely keep everyone posted on that, but it's sort of been on the backburner for a little while.
Anonymous "Amen, sister!"-haha! Thanks so much for your comment. It's definitely nice to know that there are other people who sometimes feel angry and crazy out there. :)
Anonymous BYU Texas Cheerleader Mom- haha, I love your name for yourself! Are you the mom of a current BYU cheerleader? Did you know that I used to cheer at BYU? I'm assuming you knew that, and maybe that's how you found me (through other cheer friend's blogs), but if not, that is a totally random coincidence!
Suzette-Thanks for your comment! Hope to hear more from you.
Nikki,
You are so right, it is healthy to admit what has happened to you sucks!!! However, you are even more right when you noted that you do have to control your anger. The first (and most important)piece of advice my bishop gave me when I went through the same thing was "don't let anger into your heart" At first that just made me mad at the Bishop, after all I didn't bring any of this on myself! Yet I followed his counsel, and it protected me in so many ways. I have had so many people tell me they can't believe how well I handled what I was dealt. Don't get me wrong I had so many mean thoughts about how to get back at my ex, I shocked myself, but I never let anger take over, and I never acted on any of those thoughts. Sometimes the only thing that got me through this was knowing that one day I would be able to explain this whole situation to my 2 daughters (when they are old enough to understand) and I wanted to have NO REGRETS!! Yes, that means you bite your tongue sometimes, and you give alot more then you take, but Heavenly Father blesses you so much it amazes me still!!! Stay Strong Nikki, you are doing a great job!!!
Nici
I love this new blog! It is working fine for me as well. You have a way with words. It's like I am getting to know myself by reading your blog! I needed the reminder to feel...to find my way out of survival mode!
Thanks for sharing your talent, you have a gift and I am thankful for it!
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