17 October 2014
You are His
I feel the need to say thank you. Thank you to those readers and friends who have been supportive and kind. Let me give you some background, and this is going to get really personal.
I love to write. I used to blog daily (years ago), and I have always been a story teller. Not the kind of story teller that's a big fat liar (oh, she's a "story teller"), but just someone who can take an ordinary event and make it into a big, long, entertaining story. Everyone in my family is like this, it's one of our family traits. I think I'm the worst at it out of everyone in the fam, but that's an entirely different post altogether.
For the past few months I have been feeling more and more like I need to be writing again. I have felt...compelled, I guess is the best way to say it. And as I've thought about it, and tried to figure out how much time to put into it, and how to pursue it, I have found myself becoming discouraged. I have been swimming in self-doubt and insecurity, and it's been confusing to me. Why in the world would I be feeling so unsure? It is just a blog! No one cares if I write, or what I write. If you feel like writing, Nikki, just write! But time after time those dark voices would whisper that I wasn't good enough and shouldn't even try.
I had a conversation with my sister, Calee, who really helped me put things in perspective. She reminded me that one of the most influential tools Satan uses in our life is self-doubt and fear. And that if I really knew I was a daughter of God, if I really knew He was aware of me, that those dark voices would be quieted, and would not have as much influence on my decisions.
So, I hit my knees. I asked Heavenly Father to remind me that He knows me. I asked Him to remind me of my gifts, and to help me discover how He would have me use them.
Later that day, my prayer was answered.
I received a text from an old friend (who I do not talk with regularly) telling me how much she loved reading my blog and how uplifting it was to her. I felt God's love as I read her words.
Moments later, I received an email from another friend who I haven't been in touch with since high school (besides the sporadic liking each other's Facebook posts), telling me that she felt she needed to write and tell me how much she appreciates my posts. She said that she knows it is difficult to make time to write every day, but that my posts have been helping her get through a difficult time. Again, I felt like Heavenly Father was reminding me that there are reasons I've felt compelled to be writing.
Just a few minutes after I received that email, I got another email from a woman at church (my Relief Society President). I am fairly new in our ward, and I don't know many people well. I have chatted with this woman once or twice, but that is the extent of our interaction. In her email she wrote that I had been on her mind lately, and that she felt she needed to tell me that I am special, and that Heavenly Father knows and loves me.
As I read through her email, my eyes filled with tears. I felt overwhelming love from my Father in Heaven, who was gently reminding me over and over that He knows me, and through others, was encouraging me to follow the promptings I've been receiving regarding writing. I cannot describe the intensity of the feeling. I know that there is a God. I know that not only is He all powerful, the Creator of all things, but He is also our loving Father. He knows us. Each of us. He knows what you are struggling with right at this moment. He knows the desires of your heart. He knows your heartaches.
I know He knows mine. And I know He knows yours.
If you are struggling with self-doubt or insecurity, with heartache or loss, with sadness or confusion I challenge you to do what I did. To pray, and ask God to remind you of His love for you. Ask Him to strengthen your testimony that you are His child.
Your answer may not come as mine did (there have been many times my answers to prayer have not been so quick or so obvious), but I know it will come.
Since this experience last week, there have been other emails and texts and comments and Facebook posts in continual answer to that prayer. Thank you to those of you who have followed the promptings you have felt to reach out to me in some way. You have been His answer.