28 February 2011

Five Weeks



Five weeks ago today my life was forever changed. From then on, every holiday, every birthday, every wedding or birth or baptism or blessing would be laced with sadness. I will forever have a void in my life. An emptiness.

I have moments of peace, and moments of sadness so profound it takes my breath away.

I have found myself picking up my phone to call her, and ask her about this, or tell her about that. And I almost hope I don't ever stop doing that. I listen to her voice on saved voicemails, I watch old home videos and feel overwhelming gratitude for the amazing woman I was blessed to have as my mom. She lived more life in her 50 years than many do in 100.

I miss my mom. Here's to five weeks closer to being with her again.

12 comments:

Rachel said...

Oh Nikki, it hurts me to see you go through this. Knowing what you have ahead of you and wishing I could tell you that it is easy makes me want to cry. It's not true but I wish I could. You are blessed to have the gospel and your wonderful family to cling to. You are right: the future events of your life will have a shade of sadness... but I can tell you that those shades become lighter. They never go away but they become more bearable as time heals your heart. May God bless you and give you strength. Love you.

Chris and Lisa said...

I am so sorry, Nikki! Reading your post made me totally cry. We are indeed blessed to have the Gospel and the knowledge that we WILL be together with our families again, for eternity! Love and miss you!

Grandma S. said...

Dearest Nikki. What a beautiful tribute to your mom. She is happy for it. She is proud of you and loves you and your little girls so much. How grateful we are for memories that let her live with us until we see her again. A mom's love is endless and so is grandma's.

Mandi said...

Nikki- So sorry you are going through this. It's so hard!! Your a strong woman. I'm so glad you have the gospel in your life to remind you that you will be with her again someday, but it does make all those little holidays hard. Hang in there it may get a little easier with time. Pray always, you are loved and your mom is always with you. I wish i were close enough to give you a BIG hug!! But this one will have to do.((HUG))Love me!!

HammondFam said...

It isn't fair, and I am so sorry! I can only imagine how hard it is not to have her here with you. I just keep picturing her up in heaven with more spring in her step than she had while she was here! I wish I could take away your pain. I have been reading a book called "making sense of suffering," it is a church book. I am also reading Jesus the Christ. Both books have helped put suffering in perspective for me. Maybe they will help you too? I don't know...just a suggestion...take it out leave it! :) I just want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I know that your Father in Heaven will be there for you in your times of darkness. He will open his arms and comfort you when no one else can. Im glad that you have so many amazing memories of your mom. I'm sending my love from Vegas. You are such a beautiful girl with so much light...don't let suffering take that from you...ever! Hugs!

Eric Requel Bella and Lyla said...

Again, that makes me cry. Nikki, I am so sorry. I wish I could give you a big hug! I can't imagine life without my Mom. Love you girl!

Caroline said...

Nikki,

My mother-in-law passed away 9 months ago after a 4-year battle with ovarian cancer. The holidays were especially hard on her three grown children, but remembering her and talking about her helped to keep her close. We kept up the traditions she lovingly made over the years. My husband and his siblings are constant reminders of her love, character, and personality, and I thank God every day for the family she created and left as her living legacy.

From reading your blog, I'm sure that your mother is proud of her excellent work in preparing you to care for your own family, and proud of YOU. She made you into a strong woman, and knows that you will be OK.

Keep her memory alive on earth, and know that after experiencing physical pain here, she is in a perfect, peaceful place.

Lots of love from a stranger,
Caroline

Lou Ellen said...

Good post, thanks. We mourn because we love. Wear her jewelry, put on her sweaters, spray on her cologne, use her pots. Last night I drained spaghetti in my mother's 61-year old colander that she got for her wedding in 1950. Fed my granddaughters, it all felt right.

Julia Kelly said...

I've sure been thinking about you Nikki. Lots of love to you and your family.

Debbie said...

Nikki...we love you all so much and wish there was something we could do to help you through this. You will have days full of tears but the memories of her will get you through. I KNOW she is close and very much aware of how you are missing her. And I KNOW she misses you too. Lots of prayers for you and your family...again...we love you <3 we would love to see you next time you are here...BIG HUGS...

Cristi said...

Ok crying now, too. :) Nikki, you are amazing. We love you.

Jessica said...

I wish I could take your pain away! I understand it so well. I can tell you that every special occasion, like a birth, baptism, wedding, etc. something has happened that tells me my dad is there. You will feel her and she will let you know she's there on those occasions. Even though you will feel the sadness of her not being physically there, she will let you know that she's there and you will feel comforted. Although your life will never be the same, you will become stronger. It sucks we have to have these painful mortal experiences.

 
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