20 October 2009

Unsolvable Problems

In my couple's therapy class back in college a few classmates gave a presentation on some research, and gave a quote that I loved. Please read below:

"There is value, in choosing a long term partner, in realizing that you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you'll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years..." --Wiles, 1998

I love this quote. I think so many times when we get married we're looking for the perfect match. For me, it helps to recognize that no matter who I end up marrying, there will be problems and conflicts that are unavoidable. With Partner A it might be one set of problems. With Partner B it will be a different set of problems. The trick is deciding which set of problems we'd like to put up with for the rest of our lives.


Anonymous said...

I think it is a great quote AND definitely NECESSARY to not expect a picture perfect marriage.

But, I am ALL about solving problems. And I sincerely do not believe that relationship problems can not be unsolvable if both parties are willing to put their love for God and each other before themselves.

We have had a lot of problems in our marriage and have successfully "solved?" them. It is not solving, but working through. And they are not problems anymore. And haven't been for a long period of time. And these were major problems: addictions and physical abuse. And verbal abuse patterns during childhood.

These problems just do not exist anymore. We worked through them together. We kind of "solved" them. And on any problems that we find in our relationship we can continue to work together to find a way of communicating and relating to each other that works.

There IS hope if your you are set with a pretty bad set of problems. As long as both members of the party are willing to work on it.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for posting that. Strangly enough I was sitting in couples therapy last night with my husband and I was thinking about that exact same thing. Do people work as hard as I do on our marriage? Do other people have to try as hard as we do? Some may not and that's just fine. I think so often we get caught up at looking at other people and thinking that their marriage is "perfect" and it just isn't true. Everybody has problems, everybody has issues, it's just decided that you want to deal with them and that the other person and the relationship is worth fighting for.

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