05 May 2009

A Big, Fat F

I know my blog has gone from semi-interesting to totally lame lately. I am going to really try to post new things more often. Not only is it more fun for all of you out there in cyberland, but it is cathartic for me.

So, with the goal to actually blog in mind, I proceed with the following story:

I was on my lunch today, enjoying some tomato bisque and some Dr. Laura in my car. I've always had a love/hate relationship with her. I agree with most of her advice, but sometimes not with the delivery so much.

Anyway, she took a call from a mid-twenties female.

The girl said, "I want to know how to get over a divorce. I've been divorced for 1 year now, and I need to know how to get over it."

Naturally, my interest peaks.

Dr. L: Well, what do you need to get over?

Girl: I don't know...I feel like I've failed.

Dr. L: Well, you have.

**silence**

Dr. L: You have failed. You are divorced.

My stomach--knots. My heartbeat--elevated. I'm feeling the perfectionist/type A personality/ control freak part of me start to take over. And that part of me does not like to be called a failure.

But I am.

I am divorced. My marriage failed. Does it matter if it was my fault? Does it matter if it was his fault? Does it matter if it was my old boyfriend doing voodoo to sabatoge my relationship so he could fly in on a magic pony and take me to a land of dreams and sparkles? I really don't think so.

When you're filling out paperwork and have to mark one of the boxes (single, married, divorced), there is not a box that says, "divorced but it was totally not my fault." Mostly because chances are it probably was your fault. At least to some extent.

So I have got to accept the fact that I have failed. No matter what the details of it are. No matter how unfair it seems. No matter how badly I want to rent a billboard or wear a t-shirt around that says, "Divorced...but only because my ex is a loser." haha. (IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE: I do not think Ex is a loser.  I'm just trying to make a point.)

The gospel adds a dimension to this, though. Answers to prayer can be very powerful, and the peace you feel when you're making the right choice is undeniable. So from that perspective, I have not failed. I have followed through with the most difficult choice of my life because of an answer to prayer. And I have had countless experiences since then that confirm that this is the path I need to be on right now.

So no matter what that looks like to anyone else--even Dr. Laura--I can stand tall knowing that, though my marriage has failed, I am not a failure.

And one day I will be in a land of dreams and sparkles.

Magic pony and all.

4 comments:

..Kris Naven.. said...

I remember this one! You are such a great writer!

Lou Ellen said...

I remember this one too. Still good.

PDawg said...

This is the third time today I've read this. I haven't been able to comment yet because again I'm just stricken by what you've said and the fact that I feel like I've been in that exact same place. For me, it really smacked me right on my butt when I was in church about two weeks after we separated, and the pastor said "God hates divorce." Just like that. Bam. I sat there and I thought there's no way God wants me to be in a relationship that's this bad, but am I going against Him by divorcing? SO MANY CONFLICTS INSIDE. You're right. Separate the thing itself from you. You are not a failure. In fact, Nikki, I'd say what you've been able to do here on this blog is so amazing, by sharing your truth with people. I hope you can see what amazing things your struggles have led to that are so good.

Keep on sharing. Sorry you're exhausted. You'll get through it. :) Best of luck with all the papers and the end of the semester!

Anonymous said...

I remember the first time I read this I had the crazy sensation of wanting to laugh and cry at the same time. So much joy and so much sorrow. I think it is a great choice to reshare (with such heart and honesty). Thank you for sharing... to say it is not easy is an understatemnt, and I hope for us all to have the courage to share.

 
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