12 August 2008

Q&A: When is enough enough?

That's right, people. I'm doing it again! Even in the wake of the awesomeness that was going on last week. Again, please leave your thoughts and advice if you feel so inclined. The people who send me their questions benefit from everyone's experiences, not just my own. Thanks in advance! Here goes:

I have been married for 6 years now(in the temple) and we have two great kids. while i was pregnant with our first my father in law died and my husband kind of spiraled into a downward motion. he became depressed and focused all of his time into his fathers company. when that fell through things got worse and my husband has had a big issue with pain killers. which has brought on a lot of financial issues, trust issues, and a lot of unhappiness for me while i have tried to get him help. and 2 years later its still a problem. I feel like I am ready to move on and provide my children with a better future, and i'm still not trusting my husband at all...how did you know when enough was enough?? I have prayed for answers and i know that this is all on heavenly fathers time but i don't want to give him false hope. Also, I am so afraid to break my temple covenants and deny my family of an eternal family.


Okay, there are a lot of pieces to this question that I would like to address. First of all, I can't really answer this question in the way you are probably looking for. Knowing when enough is enough is between you and the Lord. My enough will not be the same as your enough. You are really the only one that can answer that question.

So, instead of attempting to answer this, I am going to give you some thoughts I have or things to think about that might help you in your search for an answer.




  1. It sounds like your husband made some bad choices during a time of stress and sadness in his life. Addictions are so dangerous because they really can take over, and they are difficult to overcome. That does not mean they cannot be overcome, though. The fact that it is still a problem two years later doesn't mean a whole lot to me. This could very well be a lifelong struggle for him. I would suggest that his behavior surrounding the addiction is more important to look at than the fact that he still struggles with it. For example, is he honest about it? Does he meet regularly with the bishop? Has he been to counseling or rehab? Does he feel godly sorrow? Is he actively trying to overcome this trial? Serious addictions will not be overcome quickly or easily, and it is possible to have a strong marriage despite a word of wisdom problem. An anonymous person commented on a post a few weeks ago about how her husband struggled for years with pornography. And though it has been a 20 year struggle, there was still love and kindness in their marriage, and she said she is so happy she stuck through it. Look at your husband's heart. Look at his goals and intentions. If these are in the right place, he absolutely can overcome this addiction...though it very well may be a lifelong struggle.

  2. Like you said, breaking temple covenants is not something that should be taken lightly. Exhaust every option before you make that choice. Talk to your bishop about the thoughts you've been having, about your concerns for your marriage and your children. Make sure your relationship with Heavenly Father is where it needs to be, so that you can be in tune with the spirit. Hold regular family home evenings, attend the temple, and read your scriptures. This will not only be a strength to you, but to your husband and children as well. At a time you so desperately need the guidance and comfort of the spirit, make sure you find time to be still and listen to its quiet promptings.

  3. It sounds like the trust has been damaged in your relationship. This can be so devastating to a marriage, and can take some hard work to regain. Have the two of you met with your bishop? Have you met with a therapist? I would suggest making an appointment with both.

  4. What exactly have you been praying for? Do you feel you have received an answer? Maybe you are praying for the wrong things. Nikki's opinion on prayer: I find that when I pray for the Lord to tell me the answer, or to show me which path to choose, I very rarely get the clear cut answer I'm looking for. However, if I pray for guidance as I make the choice, if I weigh out the options in my mind, if I read and study about the topic, and make my own choice, and take that choice to the Lord in prayer, it is easier for me to recognize the "not a good idea" feeling or the "yes, go ahead with your plan" feeling. Perhaps try changing what you're praying for...

  5. I am perplexed by you saying "I don't want to give him false hope." Why would it be false? Isn't that exactly what you should be doing right now? Giving him hope? Standing by him? Showing your faith in him? (This is assuming you answered yes to the questions I posed in point #1.) It sounds to me like you have already given up this fight. Maybe I misinterpreted what you meant by that...so if you would like to clarify, please do.

  6. Lastly, if you answered no to the questions in point #1...I would spend some serious time in prayer. Speak to your bishop. Read ensign articles and conference talks on addiction and divorce. You have a tough choice ahead of you no matter what: stay in a relationship with a spouse who is not changing serious negative behavior, or leave. Neither one is pleasant. And no one can really know the implications of either one for your specific situation. Read your patriarchal blessing. Get blessings from family or friends. Now is not the time to make a quick choice. Pray, pray, pray! And whatever choice is right for you--to stay and work it out, or to face the awful reality of divorce--if you make the decision prayerfully and humbly, the Lord will not leave you to face it alone.

My heart goes out to you...

48 comments:

Calee said...

I love you, Nikki.

That's all.

-Calee

Scott and Abby said...

When is enough, enough. You can check my blog out at

eatonfamilylife.blogspot.com

Three years ago I was in a snowmobile accident. I shattered my vertabre and was life flighted to the nearest hospital. I stayed there for about 10 days and under went spinal surgery where they put rods and screws in my back.

Before that time I never understood how ANYONE could become addicted to pain meds. I mean use them when you have pain and stop when you don't. My extended family had a history of addiction so I WAS AWARE that it would be easy for me. I weaned myself off pain meds a few months after the surgery (even though I REALLY still needed them) I still had ALOT of pain.... but I had that fear of addiction and the knowledge of the word of wisdom. A year after the ordeal the Dr still asked if I needed pain meds... and to be honest yes I did but I would not take them for that fear and knowledge. Two years later, I still could feel that craving for how pain meds made me feel. I still had pain in my back and headaches from the accident but I knew I had to stop early on so it wouldn't become a problem. I NOW know how easy it is to become addicted even though I never allowed myself to get to that point. Here is the reason I am giving everyone this history.

Addiction is a slippery slop. You either can put the wall up early and stop it early on and move on stronger, happier and closer to your loved ones.... or you can slid a little then a little more then ALOT more all the while HURTING everyone around you. It is a choice. Im going to get spiritual here so those of you who are not LDS bear with me. It makes me think of Joseph Smith as a young boy. When he had surgery and he refused to take any alcohol (I hope Im getting the story right bc its be ages since Ive really read it). Once you allow yourself to become under the influence (its all about your intent...) Satan has undue power over you. I just happen to stop much earlier bc I knew that it could get to that point.

No one KNOWS your intent EXCEPT you and Heavenly Father. Soooo with that being said, when you are a loved one of that individual and they have been deceitful-- you can not trust them. But, here is the light at the end of the tunnel. In the LDS marriage, there are three components in a marraige. You, your spouse and Heavenly Father. When you can not trust your spouse, you can ALWAYS trust in the LORD. He will let you know when it is time for y'all to move on. If you don't feel like it is time to move on but don't feel quite safe with your spouse.... seperate until other things are resolved. A temple marriage is not something taken lightly, do EVERYTHING EVERYTHING YOU can. But, everyone has their free will. So once you and Heavenly Father feel that it is time to move on. No fear, no guilt.(Easier said than done.) You kept your covenents.

I gave you my history on pain meds and how they work so maybe you could see someone who could have fallen but didn't and kept her covenants. Sometimes I think it helps to see the other side. Addiction is EASY, but people don't just fall into it esp. with the knowledge we have.

Nikki, Thank you for your blog. I hope I didn't offend anyone in this comment. I was just hoping to shed some light on my experience with addiction.
Abby

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Very well said Abby. No one truley knows how situations hit a person and hard they are taking it. Being there and helping someone through an ordeal is important especially if it is your spouse. I believe that you are obligated to help your spouse through every obstacle that may come his/her way, and vise versa. If we do not help, then it is like not lending a hand to them when they are drowning. And in doing so we begin to drown too because of our lack of kindness. Everyone knows the poems "Footprints", why is that we can not help to carry those that have fallen as well?

Nikki said...

Abby,
Thanks so much for sharing your experience. It is interesting to hear your story, and see how you chose a different path. Thanks.

Also, anonymous at 11:19...I agree that we will be held responsible to help those around us, especially our spouses. It is important to remember that they must be willing to help themselves, as well. And that sometimes, it becomse too dangerous for us to stay close to them if they are not actively trying to better themselves.

Nikki said...
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Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

From 11:19,
I know very well, from a fact that the situation can turn dangerous before your eyes. I DO NOT deny that part. I just want to make sure that people try to see the other side of the situation through there spouses eyes. Like the previous people have stated, and we all, know that addictions are real, serious and extremely difficult to overcome. We are going through are own torment because of the pain that they are putting us through, but what about the pain that they are going through. It is afterall their pain that has brought us to this situation. I only want people to see taht some situations can be mended, and of course we in the situation are the only one who can make that decision. Some situations are not capable of healing and walking away is best. I like what Nikki said about looking at someones heart. That is totally and completey true and will help you make an accurate decision as well. If there is no love in his heart then there is no love for those around him. There may not be any love for himself as well. I think that if that is the case TRY, TRY to reintroduce the love, "For love does heal all wounds".

Anonymous said...

Love heals nothing. Love isn't enough, it has to be accompanied by action...correct action.

Anonymous said...

Yes, although I think that love often precedes action. It's easier to walk towards a spouse that has their arms wide open than towards one that has a gun pointed at you (figuratively, of course).

brookebaby said...

YES. i really like that example. well said.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, Brooke. Now that I know someone liked my post, I want the credit! :) Chicken, I know, but I'll own that. haha

In either scenario (arms wide open vs. gun) the responsibility is still on the offending spouse to walk towards the other one, but the first spouse makes that walk much easier than the second (and, consequently, shares much less of the responsibility for the outcome if the partner chooses not to make the walk).

~prfsn8r

Cleavin' before leavin' said...

It's such a different situation with a spouse than it is with any other person. With a spouse, you are so completely co-dependent in your life (as I think it should be) to have it run smoothly, and you are an equal part of each others eternal salvation. And because its that much of a co dependency, their actions affect your life just as much as your actions affect your own life. So, naturally, when things are so hard and you feel you can't do it anymore, you feel like it would be easier to just have to be affected by your own actions, and get rid of the toxicity of your spouses bad choices. It's easier at some points to give up and walk away, because you chose them in your life, and you can choose to rid your life of them.
But, if you think about that person being a sibling, or a parent...it's different. Depending on how long you are married, your relationship is usually longer with a parent or sibling. It's almost as if the unconditional love runs a little deeper there in some cases, than in a marriage (even though thats sad to say.) Granted, it should not be that way, I think its easier sometimes to put aside all feelings of negativity to help a parent or sibling (or a chile even) through something like that out of choice and NEVER give up on them...then sometimes it is a spouse. Because even though their choices to sometimes affect our lives, its not as much of an impact with a family member, as it is a spouse.
So I guess the point of my ramblings is that we have to really learn unconditional love and compassion for our spouses. To truly cleave to them. If its at an unhealthy point, and you could easily say that you could cut off any other relationship at the same point, then to me, that is the point that you prayerfully decide that the relationship will not heal because of those actions.

Anonymous said...

Unconditional Love is definitely the answer!

You can not change other people only yourself. But when one person wants change in the marriage, look in the mirror and ask yourself "how can I change my own actions"?

When there are problems in a marriage, you need to step away from the problems, and stop talking about the problems.

The key is not fixing what is wrong but make new things right.

Love is the foundation of your marriage.
Love is your solution.
People get bogged down in negativity and trying to solve the problems.
It is not fun living with someone who constantly harps on all your flaws, it is not productive.

You have to create Love.
Focus on building love.
Love will solve all your problems. It may take time for him to notice the change and it will take even more time to see a change in him but for your children's sake...

What about the children?
All I have heard everyone talk about here is themselves, his problems and her problems.

What about thinking about your children and their feelings?

Mothers usually think of their children's happiness before their own unhappiness.

I think we need to consider changing our own actions, what we say, how we react to what others say, tone of voice, etc. etc.

Consider this:
Be the change that you want to see in your marriage.

Anonymous said...

How rediculous! I guess when you blog surf it's easy to get lost for some time. I cought myself reading a friend of a friend which brings me to you.
Hopefully I can get to the point. I just had some recent experiences in life that have helped me realize what's most important that I would like to share a couple.
We all go through trials in our life and believe me I've had my share. One of life's greatest lessons learned for me was when my husband and I shared a bitter sweet experience w/ the "Lucky 7's" to say our last goodbye's to a best friend. Brad happen's to be one of them in the bunch. As you know our friend had leukemia. When my husband and I would go to visit our friend in the hospital, we would not hear any complaint's from him nor his wife. A year ago, Our friend going through this courageous battle made the comment to my husband and I saying: "If I could have one more year to spend w/ my family..That's all I want." One year later, I am so grateful he was blessed w/ that year w/ his family. As I shed tears it definately put things into better perspective for me. It became a daily reminder for me to count my many BLESSINGS and not my WORRIES. Around the time our friend was dying, I tuned in to an episode of "Oprah" that I DVR'd. I was interested because it was about people leaving their last words dying of cancer. And ofcourse, my husband and I shared conversation w/ our friend going through this and questioned each other: "What would our last words be if we were dying?" One guest, who was a professor at a university gave a lecture on life's Greatest Lessons Learned to his college students. Later to find out that this lecture was never intended for his students but for his children. I liked the comment the professor made that has stuck in my head. To sum it up he said to keep trying on someone and to never give up. I work w/ someone that has been very difficult. Numerous times, I pass judged this person. After I heard this lecture..it has not only helped me to see this person in a different light, but others as well.
As I go back to the experience w/ our friends, it made us appreciate our individual friendships w/ the "Lucky 7." We will cherish this special friendship forever. It's a great comfort to know we will see our friend again. We have so much love for each of our friends individually. When Brad was w/ us, he shared his love for you and the girls. He spoke very highly of you. We pray for you, for Brad, and your girls.
Not to go into much detail but I will share this w/ you. Everyone deals w/ life experiences in a different way. There was a time in my life I struggled w/ the word of wisdom and hit rock bottom. When you are in that place in life it is very difficult to get out of. I was unpleasant to those who cared. Family and friends never gave up on me. I can only say I am in the place in my life because of fast and prayer in my behalf. I am grateful for the support system I had at the time in my life where things weren't going so great.

Anonymous said...

Put yourself in his shoes and try to see through his eyes. Would you want to be abandoned and left alone by the one you vowed to spend time and all eternity with? I myself am not married in the temple (though I wish I was) but when I took my vows and said that I would love hin and only him til death do us part, through sickness and in health, I meant it...I take my vows very seriously. We need to stop and remember what Christ would do, would he ever give up on someone who was lost and struggling? I myself suffer from a very serious addiction. I know that when I am trying to protect those who love and care about me, I lie to them about the severity of my problem, not because I want to hurt them, but because I know that what I am doing is wrong, and I don't want to dissapoint them. Inside I kick myself hard enough that I mentally don't know if I can handle being kicked down by people I love. Addiction is not who your husband is. He is still who he is, the person you fell in love with and promised yourself to for time and all eternity. The addiction is altering that person, changing his perception of life and loved ones. I really loved Nikkis responses to your question. Your enough will not be the same as her enough was. I know Nikki and I know that what she says is true...I'm sure she exhausted every possible effort and constantly spoke to the Lord and when none of the efforts were able to mend what was at hand, and the Lord comforted her in her choice, it was then that she removed herself and her children from the situation. She didn't quit, she just removed herself and her precious children from a situation that was not healthy for those involved. So when you have done those things, and have exhausted every aspect and more, and you feel at peace with the Lord and your decision, then that's when it is enough. Is it fair that this has fallen in your lap? No, it's not. Is it fair that your kids have to suffer as well? No. But, If you do everything in your power to ease your conscience, and in the end know that you did everything you could, then you will know for the rest of eternity that you tried, and that you didn't quit or fail. Peace of mind is so much better than the guilt that might come from walking out of the fire and leaving someone who is weak to burn. You LOVE him or you wouldn't have married him for eternity. He is still in there, it may not seem like it, but I promise you he is. Addictions CAN be conquered. With the Lord and his indefinite love anything is with in reach. Nothing is a worthless cause. Even if in the end you cannot save him, you will know that you did everything you could to help him. In the end he is the one who will face the judgment for his choices. And if you follow Nikkis guidance and counsel, in the end at your Judgment, God will thank you and say "Good work my faithful child" Can we same them all? NO. Don't let his addictions pull you down and weaken your testimony of Christ, keep close to the Lord through it all, don't try to face it alone and whatever is meant to be will be. With every trial there is a needed lesson learned. I have screwed up over and over again, but I can honestly say that I am a stronger, better person because of all my trials. I would'nt take any of them back for the world. God knew we'd struggle, and be imperfect. This may just be a little bump in the road to eternity. There may be a lesson needed to be learned for you to progress together in your quest of perfection. We don't know why we are dealt the cards we're dealt, but we do know that the Lord would not give us anything that we cannot handle. "I never said it would be easy...I said it would be worth it...."Hold your head high and remember who you are...a child of God. Know that he loves you and your husband, and that he will not turn his back on you through this hard time in your lives. He is hurting with you and your husband. Remember the man you married. Remember your vows and the way you felt as you kneeled across from hin and promised eternity. He knows what he's doing is wrong, he knows he is hurting the ones he loves. His spirit is the same as it was before the addiction. Drugs truly alter who you are, and how you act. Love him through it, support him whole heartedly. Pray together for strength. He may have forgotten who he really is, Remind him. Positive energy reflects positve feeling. Negativity breeds hurt and hate. The devil wants to destroy Families. We cannot let him win this war. (Sorry I blabbed and rambled...)

Leslie said...

What is up with all the anonymous commenters!!! Step up people and put a name to the long rambling stories.

Nikki - I am enjoying your new blog. Things you share are important and need to be said. Hope you are doing well.

Sacramento Single (AGAIN) Chick said...

I have been divorced a little over a year. And I think something to think about is how your life might be if you chose to divorce. I can tell you, it's no walk in the park. Being a single mom comes with many challenges and many heart aches. Mostly the heart aches are those of my children. Having to watch them look at other families with a mom and a dad together, and see the slight look of sadness in their eyes when they realize they dont have that is very sad. Knowing that as they get older it will always be a hurdle. This year I won’t have my kids on Christmas. It kills me that I will be missing that. It's still hard for me to see how happy many of my married friends are, not out of jealousy but rather sadness that my husband and I couldnt work together to acheve that. Sitting at home alone at night after the kids go to sleep can be very lonely...I'm not saying you should stay together just so you can always have them on holidays or just so they have mom and dad together or just so you dont get lonely at night (I'm sure eventually you would find some one else, but this could take years), but I just want you to think a little about the future and how you would feel actually being divorced. There is no easy way out. Either choice you make will take work in the future. Maybe your husband can get help. Maybe it might take years. Even if it took years it would be so worth it. What if you were to marry again and the next guy had the same problems, or worse problems. Marriage is not easy, every marriage has problems, it takes work and diligence and sometimes we have to pull our spouse along. But I say, if he's willing to work on it it's worth sticking out. I wish so badly my ex would have been willing to work on it. Willing to try counseling and get some help to overcome the problems that he had. Unfortunately for him (and my kids) he wasn’t. But, I can assure you, if you asked him today, he would tell you that he regrets not trying to work it out. Because honestly, being single AGAIN sucks. And trust me, I’m in my 20's and dont have a shortage of guys to date, but it still sucks. Try to work it out, give it all you've got, and then if it still fails, at least you will know that you did absolutely everything you could! I hope this post doesnt make me sound bitter, I'm not. I just want you to think about the reality of the situation because I know Satan wants you to believe you are better of, which maybe you are, then again, maybe not. Good Luck, I know the heart ache and confussion you are going through. You're not alone.

Chuck Norris said...
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Julia Kelly said...

love the advice you gave Nikki. You can pretty much apply that to any trial you are going through.

Pray, pray,pray! Stay close to the lord and 'he will direct your paths for good.' The key is to remember that we don't have to go through ANY hardship alone. That is what the atonement is for. Christ not only suffered for our sins, but he suffered for our pain and heartache. We knew life wasn't going to be easy, but we signed up for it anyway.

My heart goes out to you as well.

Nikki you are amazing, don't let the bad stuff get you down. What you are doing here is so brave. And so great for so many readers. Good for you.

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Cindy W said...
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Anonymous said...

Divorce is ok. A person should be free to choose what he or she pleases without being judged. I do not think this blog is negative and I love reading it. I think it will definitely help others in need.

Coleman Family said...

I think if people can't say something they would attach their name to, they shouldn't say anything at all.

chuck norris' #1 fan. said...

i say, thank you to chuck norris. he always knows just what to say! and i totally agree with anonymous #4983... whatever. this answer was so great. and bash nikki is so last week (why was it ever to begin with anyway?) There's a little quote that comes to mind..."if you can't say something nice..." find another blog to read.

Anonymous said...

I know people are harping on the "anonymous" comments, but I am leaving mine anonymous to protect the privacy of my husband.
Addiction is a very difficult trial for both the addictee and the spouse. The amount of pain that both go through is great, just different.
My husband has struggled with an addiction to pornograpy since he was a teenager. We have been married for four years and he still struggles with his addiction.
I agree with Nikki, whole-heartedly, that you need to step back and look at your husband's HEART. You need to ask yourself those questions. My husband always tells me that a lot wives don't stay (very sad) when there's an addiction. Of course, sometimes that is the path you need to choose. And, as Nikki says, that choice should be made after LOTS of prayer and studying and exhausting all alternatives.
However, I believe most of the time, we should stay. I know that if I left my husband, he would fall farther than he has in years, if ever. They (anyone who struggles with any kind of addiction) NEED your support and LOVE. My husband beats up on himself when he's slipped up. If he didn't get to come home to a wife he knows loves him unconditionally and who will forgive him, he'd just go deeper and deeper. We ALL make mistakes. Heavenly Father and Jesus love us regardless and will forgive us when we sincerely repent. Addictions are no different. Anyway, that's my two-cents about the question.
I also want to tell you, Nikki, you are an amazing woman.

Sacramento Single (again) chick said...
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Anonymous said...

I can completely understand wanting to remain anonymous if you're discussing your personal situations (i.e. addiction, affairs, etc) and asking for advice. However, if you're simply here to give an opinion or badmouth Nikki, at least have the guts to stand by your comments. I think there are a lot of intelligent and genuinely good people visiting this blog, and I think we can all appreciate the insightful comments. Let's keep this a fun place to share our experiences and views, not use it for virtual target practice!

Have a great day everyone!
~ Cami

Leisha said...
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Leisha said...

Nikki,

This blog is wanted and needed.

Your answer to this question was well-thought out, mature and insightful.

It is the age-old struggle for anyone in love with someone battling addiction. When IS enough enough?

I appreciate so much your comment about changing the direction of our prayers. It is good, solid, appreciated advice.

It is helpful for those of us who are here for it's intended purpose. (Remember us? The ones who don't even know you or your husband or care what transpired in your lives?)

We have here a very clear example of why divorce isn't easy. Just read these nasty comments, oh the joy. How fun to be the target of those.

You are a good example to me, in so many ways and I don't even know you. But, in a way...I do. By what you say and don't say I get a good idea of the type of person you are.

I get it.

Stay strong.

Thank you.

A hopefully helpful reader said...

So far the ADVISE has been great. I just have one thought regarding prayer. In my own personal experience, I have found that when I pray, especially for a big answer, I need to be willing to accept whatever answer comes and be willing to REACT on that answer. For example: If you get an answer that you should stay, are you willing to stay and work it out? If you get an answer that you should go, are you really willing to do that? Have you already made up your mind and are hoping HE will confirm it? I truely believe that you need to be ready to accept and be okay with whatever answer comes your way. Only then, do I feel we will get our answers and we can then be at peace with them.
I feel for you and I am truely sorry for your situation. I do hope you have sought the counsel of your bishop. It's okay to ask for help and guidance. That's what he's there for.

Leisha said...

P.S. Am I the only one who watches that show Intervention? Apparently some well-intentioned people on this blog need to. Seriously.

Love isn't enough, even unconditional love. It just isn't. Loving someone endlessly will never change that person unless they choose to change. You can't love someone to death. You can't let someone destroy your entire life with their bad choices.

Clearly, anyone who thinks love is enough hasn't experienced a family member with an addiction. Especially a drug addiction. Sometimes not enough "tough love" destroys the person at a faster rate than they could ever destroy themselves.

Sorry. Just had to add that. I agree to exhaust every avenue with your husband and your marriage. But don't let it destroy you and your children in the process.

Anonymous said...

This is totally not related to the topic but I just read a very interesting story on MSN.com about how woman on the pill are less likely to pick a good mate. Thought some of you might find it interesting as well...

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26180187/from/ET/

Carli Webb said...

I just wanted to say that my parents were divorced when I was 4. I dont know why exactly, nor do I care. I feel that my mom felt she had to leave because it was best for her and for my brother and I. They are both happily re- married and have more children. I had a great life, and like brad, my dad loves us and is involved in our lives. Who ever said that everyone who gets divorced did not try hard enough and that its evil, I say to them that it is better to get out than to have your children see you fighting constantly. The spirit can not remain in that kind of environment. I do not like the judgemental comments. They dont have to read your blog if it makes them so angry.

Kristina said...

I really like the very last thought that Nikki leaves us with on this post.

Even outside the context of divorce, the thought of taking whatever answer we receive from the Lord can be an intimidating one. I completely agree with Nikki that we should take hope in the fact that He will not leave us alone, especially if we take courage and do what it is He has told us to do.

What a comforting thought. Regardless of our situation or how scary/impossible the answer seems, the Lord will not leave us to handle it on our own. If we can muscle up and have some faith, we can make it through.

So perhaps leaving is the hardest thing for this woman to do right now. Perhaps staying seems even more terrifying. What a tender mercy to know that regardless of our fears, we can trust that He knows better than we do.

Take courage, advice-seeker! The Lord is with thee withersoever thou goest. -Joshua 1:9

Caroline said...

Oh my, some of these comments can be likened to what would be seen on a Soap Opera! Crazy, crazy...although very entertaining I must say! I'm just so speachless...I won't even attempt to begin to respond to some of these comments (like women on the pill are more likely to choose a bad mate? What the??? That means that about 80% of women have chosen the wrong mate, which clearly cannot be true or backed by any legitimate research. Geez!). In any case, I fully agree with Nikki's response. Excellent, excellent, excellent!!!! I could not have said it better! Also, someone mentioned that "tough love" is sometimes what is needed. I fully agree! This is also in line with the Lord's plan. The Lord's does not allow us to endlessly sin, as he turns a blind eye to us and just stays by our side because he is our Father. He too exercises "tough love". If we want to return to his presence, when we sin we MUST have a change of heart, repent, and vow never to engage in that sin again. That is the process of repentance. If we keep committing the sin over and over again, then evidently the repentance is not sincere and we will not have the chance to return again to live with the Lord. This can also be likened to marriage- we must stand by our spouse when he/she sins, but we should not be a doormat that he/she continues to step all over. He/she must have a change of heart, repent, and vow to never engage in the behaviour again (this must always be sincere even if there may be slip ups here and there). Well this is just my opinion! I love your blog Nikki, and all of the awesome advice you gave, as well as the awesome discussions you generate! It is fanfreakintastic!

Caroline

Le said...

Whoever Leisha is, I so agree. I began composing a post saying the exact things you said, but... decided to let that anon. poster's comments stand for themselves. I am so glad that Leisha posted her remarks b/c we're all thinking it. Love is NEVER enough. I am speaking as a child raised in a miserable marriage. My mother had all the love, patience, and forgiveness in the world, she was a saint walking this earth but this is what was accomplished - nothing. We 3 kids were raised in a crazy, dysfunctional environment. We looked at other families and knew we were different. There was no peace and unity in our home, none. Dad was going in his direction, Mom was over in the corner crying, praying and cleaning house, and we were stuck in the middle. It has affected us all to this day, we all 3 have taken the miserable home life we had and internalized it in some way that it has manifested itself in our adult life in hard ways. How we wished my mother had a little less forgiveness and love and a little more backbone and gotten us out of Dodge so we could at least have peace and the spirit of the Lord in our home. Just my 2 cents...

Nikki, you are wonderful. Keep writing, girl.

Anonymous said...
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Chuck Norris said...

I agree about the open forum... that would be awesome Nikki.

What would Chuck Norris do?

Anonymous said...

Hi,

I love this site it is neet.

I love what that person said about

"Be the change you want to see in your marriage!

I also agree that love, unconditional love is all we really need!

See ya...

The Shaws said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Stacy said...

To the person who asked the question:
I found a great article in last months Ensign written by someone who works for LDS Family Services. I figure if it was chosen to be published in the Ensign, it's pretty important. So you obviously are not alone in this issue! There are some great scripture references and quotes from apostles. Hopefully this helps...the title and link are below if you don't have the July Ensign.

Hope, Healing, and Dealing with Addiction
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=0df33645a2cba110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&hideNav=1

Anonymous said...

Hey Leslie if you don't enjoy the long rambling, blabbings that are anonymous, THEN DON"T READ THEM, last time I checked that was the point of this blog was to comment, anonymous or not and share your opinions and or feeling, People stay anonymous because they have comments and opinions that they don't need everyone on the blog spot to know they too have an addiction or a trial...seriously! Focus People. This blog is meant to share...HOWEVER you want. Don't read it if it bugs that bad.

Anonymous said...

I left my comment a couple of days ago. After reading all of the negative feedback you got, I wanted to let you know I am sorry for what you have been through. I feel I am a pretty positive person and wanted to make sure it was kept that way. I shared the experience of a friend who passed away from leukemia. I shared that experience to perhaps help you. I I just want to say I know life's journey can be difficult. I was vague w/ not much detail about one of my trials in my life dealing w/ word of wisdom. It sounds that it wasn't much of a struggle. It actually lead from one thing to another which got me into serious trouble. Looking back, I am AMAZED I got through such an ordeal. I always had a good heart. Deep down I knew what was important. It was just a matter of time until I got there. I can definately say w/o my husband, family, and loved ones support from the beginning I don't know that it would have been at all possible for me to get to where I am now. Divorce is something I have not dealt w/ before. I do not know your situation so I can not judge. I can say that the journey may seem long and hard and it's difficult to see the big picture, but hopefully things will work out great for you, Brad, and your girls. I hope you realize that my comment was intended to help you. I left my name anonymous because I'm a very private person. I went through a very difficult time in my life that I was not proud of. But hopefully I can only be a strength for those going through a hard time. I hope that people can respect that.

Leslie said...

I apologize if I offended anyone with my comment about Anonymous commenters. I completely understand when people want confidentiality and are adding to Nikki's great posts. But it's the anonymous people who choose to ridicule her and can't even put their names to it.
Sorry anonymous.

Angie said...
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